I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - therapist suggests I befriend them to "humanize" them instead of idolizing from a distance, but it hasn't worked. They have their own friends in our town and have accepted our invites, and then gone off somewhere afterward. It felt stilted and unnatural.

And what did your therapist say when you told her you wanted to move over this issue?

That I should do what would make sense for our family. She didn't call it a bad idea.

Either your therapist is awful or you are only hearing what you want. But since you don't really seem open to hearing that you're idea is crazy, you should just be aware of the consequences. Not dealing with your mental health issues and instead forcing your family to move is likely going to cause major issues in your marriage. Pretending that your mental health issues don't impact your daughter is not helpful to her at all.
But sure OP, move. Disrupt your entire family. I'm sure a new house will cure your issues.

Nah therapy is mostly nonsense / a sham unfortunately. OP'S experience is not unique.

[Anonymous]

Well they aren’t the perfect family if they have a snotty daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.

You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.

The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.

+1. You can use this as a teachable moment for your daughter. Teach her to value her worth. Teach her not to accept being mistreated. That this person is not a real friend based on their behavior. If you get up and move what message does that send your daughter?

[Anonymous]

How upset is your daughter, really? I’d make a guess that seeing the kid’s behavior is having more of an effect on you than on her.

I don’t think you should talk to your daughter about it at all. I think you would pass on too much of your own feelings and warp the situation. Leave her to work it out herself. Invite other kids over as well as the neighbor if DD wants.

It’s really hard to see your kids getting knocks but it’s usually better if you keep your own feelings out of it. She will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, the only thing that stood out from your OP was that your daughter has a frenemy next door. I'd move for that. Meanwhile you can work out what's bothering you with your therapist or someone else.

[Anonymous]

You are not happy with you. You cannot move away from yourself.

Given how you perceive things, I’m not 100% convinced your daughter’s problem is entirely the neighbor girl’s fault. You said your daughter is quiet and introverted and that she’s being “ignored” when she goes next door because “someone else has also been invited over”. Kids socialize in groups. Is your daughter expecting to be entertained? What is she expecting to do when hanging out? Does she have other friends? How does it go when she hangs out with other girls? The girl next door might be being nice by inviting Silent Sadie over, but if Silent Sadie doesn’t engage of course she’s going to invite someone else along. And if they don’t mesh well, your daughter is free to decline the invitation.

[Anonymous]

What your dd is going through could have happened with some girl at school, not just the neighbors. This time it’s just too much in your face.
I get it, I saw my kid wanting to be friends and the other kids preferring someone else/being lured by someone else. It hurts. My kid is fairly young and independent by nature so at least he didn’t try to hard but yes it did break my heart.
I am not sure what to tell you except avoidance is not always the answer.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

1. Wherever you go, there you are.

2. There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier, richer, happier, whatever. Stop comparing yourself to people who have more, start looking at what you have. Volunteering might help you get things in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Get a new therapist.
Explore medication for your anxiety
Do the work.

[Anonymous]

As a white person, #whitepeopleproblems

[Anonymous]

My DD was the same and it happened anytime there was a group of kids. It turns out she has terrible social anxiety and needed real intervention.

In the meantime, have your DD tell the girl, “sorry have other plans can’t come over” and then no communication after for a day or so. You and your DD can then go out and run an errand. Do this even if she complains. Your DD needs to realize that she won’t fall apart by saying no to a friend”s request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.

You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.

The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.

Sweet Baby Jeebus take all of this advice.

[Anonymous]

Your kid has to make her own way. What are you going to do , move her college every time there's a kid with a better set of teeth and grades than her who she likes?

Seriously lady. do nothing. Let it eat you up. Go on- be consumed by jealousy for a whole day and see what time you've wasted. You only get one life. Spend it more wisely.

[Anonymous]

We have a little girl next door who was playing Mean Girl. She was getting all the kids to gang up on one kid, picking a different one of my children to do this to each time. I would correct this little girl repeatedly, even in front of her mother, and it would never stop. My kids are now forbidden to play with that family and I tell them the reason in plain language.

So I relate to have a little girl next door who is not as cherubic inside as her appearance.

Furthermore, the parents are popular and host lost of parties, and try to keep their guests right at the property line on my side even though it's really strange for everybody. In retrospect, I am suspicious that the mother may be socially competitive and was teaching her DD to behave this way intentionally.

I wonder, OP, if this perfect family that you have next door is deliberately dropping hints or engaging in behaviors specifically to make you jealous. It sounds like they had the money for an even nicer place but chose to be the 'big fish' in a slightly less wealthy neighborhood. The mom may have a need to feel like the winner. I am sure your therapist is telling you to see the big picture and the problem is you...but you may have actually been a target in the same way your daughter is a target now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not benefiting from your therapy if all you're doing is venting. Your therapist should not be giving you socializing tips. They should be working with you to help you do the really uncomfortable introspection that will help you figure out 1) why you're so envious of your neighbor and 2) how to maintain the perspective you will need to be a supportive parent to your DD. This is not the last social problem your DD will face. If each one burns you this much, you will be of no use to your DD.

Find a new therapist, or at least commit to doing the work with this therapist.