If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she a single mother? You don’t mention husbands.

+100m

Is her husband not capable of switching child Care responsibilities with your sister or would he conveniently plan a guys weekend trip someplace else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister and I are planning on taking our families skiing either this Christmas Break, or next if covid dictates that. The youngest kid will be 10 and all are competent skiers, so everyone is old enough for a fair amount of independence on and off the slopes.

We didn’t invite my younger sister, whose kids range from 0 to 10. We love her but little kids would just change the dynamic. I can guarantee that if they come I’ll end up offering to stay back with the baby, while she skis or taking the 4 year with me and being stuck on the bunny slope. Plus then we’ll need to be quiet in the house after bedtime, and . . . Well traveling with little ones is just different. We’ve all been there.

But I also have a fourth sister, who is much younger and a newlywed with no kids. We are thinking of inviting them.

Would you be hurt if all your siblings went somewhere without you?

Bolded is, as they say, a you problem. Say to your sis "hey, going to a ski trip with the big kids...not sure if it will work for your littles and it's going to be loud hanging out at the house". That's it.

You're skiing for the week. I don't understand why one parent can't take the four year old skiing and the other parent stays with the baby. Then they swap or even puts the 4-year-old in ski school.. When I had my kids, I didn't ski for 8 years. That's the sacrifice we make when we choose to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Invite her but don’t babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read through 4 pages of comments and am shocked only 1 other person feels this way--I wouldn't care. But I have brothers, not sisters, so perhaps there is something to a sister dynamic I (thankfully) am not subjected to as a part of life.

Can't you just explain to the sister with the little kids what you explained here? You know your sister and whether she'll get it or flip out...I guess on the flip side, is there a reason you will personally feel responsible for making sure her kids are watched so your sister has fun? That's not your responsibility. To me it sounds like perhaps there is a more complex dynamic between this particular sister and OP that has brought upon this question in the first place.

But in general, I'm truly shocked by all these responses, as it wouldn't even occur to me to be "hurt." But I'm not offended by every little thing that happens in the world around me...

The dynamic among sisters is much different than the dynamic between sisters and brothers. And being hurt by being the only sister out of four that isn’t invited isn’t being “offended by every little thing that happens in the world around me.” You sound really smug and obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Yes. This is a terrible thing to do to any family member. But, you could think "Screw Family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read through 4 pages of comments and am shocked only 1 other person feels this way--I wouldn't care. But I have brothers, not sisters, so perhaps there is something to a sister dynamic I (thankfully) am not subjected to as a part of life.

Can't you just explain to the sister with the little kids what you explained here? You know your sister and whether she'll get it or flip out...I guess on the flip side, is there a reason you will personally feel responsible for making sure her kids are watched so your sister has fun? That's not your responsibility. To me it sounds like perhaps there is a more complex dynamic between this particular sister and OP that has brought upon this question in the first place.

But in general, I'm truly shocked by all these responses, as it wouldn't even occur to me to be "hurt." But I'm not offended by every little thing that happens in the world around me...

The dynamic among sisters is much different than the dynamic between sisters and brothers. And being hurt by being the only sister out of four that isn’t invited isn’t being “offended by every little thing that happens in the world around me.” You sound really smug and obnoxious.

I think this may have been the pp that also said she is not close with her siblings. It’s likely she just may not know how close sibling relationships work

[Anonymous]

OP here,

You all have convinced me this is a no go, but for some reason I still feel compelled to come back and explain, because as usual DCUM makes a lot of assumptions that aren't true.

I'm not the oldest, and she's not the youngest, we're the two middle kids. So, the dynamic that person is imaging doesn't apply here.

There's also not a dynamic where she helped me with little kids and now I don't help her. For one thing, it just didn't happen that way. My kids are close in age, and when they were little she lived across the country. Her oldest and my younger kid are a few weeks apart, so there just wasn't much time together when I had little kids and she didn't. Since then, she's had 3 more kids and moved close, so I've had lots of opportunities to help her out. Which is fine, that's just the way things happened not a complaint. Now family dynamic is such that we help each other out, and as the person with the younger kids she gets lots of help. I took her kids to the pool all summer, and taught two of them to swim and one of them to ride a bike, because she was pregnant and uncomfortable, and then nursing a newborn, and her DH was swamped with work. Not a complaint, just saying I help out a lot, and most of the time, I'm happy to do that.

But the result is that she's got young kids who are used to being helped by me, and she's used to getting help from me, and while I'm not complaining about the dynamic, or bothered by the dynamic most of the time, on a ski vacation it's going to get challenging to change that dynamic.

She does have a husband. A great guy, involved parent, and lousy skier. But they have 4 kids, and honestly a 4 year old who has never skied really cramps your style, so her older two are going to be desperate to ski with someone else, and they're not quite ready for the freedom I was imagining my kids and their older cousins having. So somewhere, a third adult or teen would end up involved. Ski vacations with little kids are just different from ski vacations where everyone is a competent skier. I didn't take my own 4 year olds on any ski vacations, because honestly with them along it wouldn't have been enough fun to justify the price tag. In fact, this will be my own kids' first ski trip further than PA, and more than one night, so I kind of want to focus on them.

Covid also makes this more complicated. Even if we have a kid vaccine, we won't have a baby vaccine in December, and she's not going to be willing to use any kind of childcare for the baby because of that. I'd be the same way. And if there's no kid vaccine, and we have no way of knowing that, she's not going to be willing use ski school and risk them bringing it back. And even if she is, I can tell you the dynamic with two same age kids one of whom has to go to ski school, while the other is free to go wherever with his older brother and cousins will be hard. Plus ski school costs a ton of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

You all have convinced me this is a no go, but for some reason I still feel compelled to come back and explain, because as usual DCUM makes a lot of assumptions that aren't true.

I'm not the oldest, and she's not the youngest, we're the two middle kids. So, the dynamic that person is imaging doesn't apply here.

There's also not a dynamic where she helped me with little kids and now I don't help her. For one thing, it just didn't happen that way. My kids are close in age, and when they were little she lived across the country. Her oldest and my younger kid are a few weeks apart, so there just wasn't much time together when I had little kids and she didn't. Since then, she's had 3 more kids and moved close, so I've had lots of opportunities to help her out. Which is fine, that's just the way things happened not a complaint. Now family dynamic is such that we help each other out, and as the person with the younger kids she gets lots of help. I took her kids to the pool all summer, and taught two of them to swim and one of them to ride a bike, because she was pregnant and uncomfortable, and then nursing a newborn, and her DH was swamped with work. Not a complaint, just saying I help out a lot, and most of the time, I'm happy to do that.

But the result is that she's got young kids who are used to being helped by me, and she's used to getting help from me, and while I'm not complaining about the dynamic, or bothered by the dynamic most of the time, on a ski vacation it's going to get challenging to change that dynamic.

She does have a husband. A great guy, involved parent, and lousy skier. But they have 4 kids, and honestly a 4 year old who has never skied really cramps your style, so her older two are going to be desperate to ski with someone else, and they're not quite ready for the freedom I was imagining my kids and their older cousins having. So somewhere, a third adult or teen would end up involved. Ski vacations with little kids are just different from ski vacations where everyone is a competent skier. I didn't take my own 4 year olds on any ski vacations, because honestly with them along it wouldn't have been enough fun to justify the price tag. In fact, this will be my own kids' first ski trip further than PA, and more than one night, so I kind of want to focus on them.

Covid also makes this more complicated. Even if we have a kid vaccine, we won't have a baby vaccine in December, and she's not going to be willing to use any kind of childcare for the baby because of that. I'd be the same way. And if there's no kid vaccine, and we have no way of knowing that, she's not going to be willing use ski school and risk them bringing it back. And even if she is, I can tell you the dynamic with two same age kids one of whom has to go to ski school, while the other is free to go wherever with his older brother and cousins will be hard. Plus ski school costs a ton of money.

I get it OP. Having gone on vacation with sisters and all the kids, it can be a lot. I still would ask, but there need to be expectations regarding care if she decides to go. You and the older kids and parents also deserve to have your own fun vacation time without worrying about little kids..

[Anonymous]

Yes I would.

[Anonymous]

This is phucked up beyond belief. Of course I would be hurt. My sisters and I would never in a million years do something like that to each other. I just cannot even imagine that kind of toxic family environment.

[Anonymous]

The only way to do it is to say how psyched you are about catching up on ski time and invite anyone who wants to do a full ski weekend. Specifically state that the goal is slope time for everyone. She may want to come with just her oldest to do ski school or something.

[Anonymous]

no no no no inviting the newlywed sister

Keep it 2 sisters only (and this should be VERY rare, just the two of you)

Or ALL

[Anonymous]

I liked your follow up, OP. I get where you are coming from. Still, I simply don't see how you can invite the youngest newlywed without hurting the non-invitees feelings, unless you have a very unique relationship with her, where she will understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either go with the one sister or go with all. The three of you can't go without inviting one. That would be awful. Yes, I'd be hurt big time.

Messed up, OP! This is family. You should bad for even thinking of this.

[Anonymous]

^ and now having read your follow up, my comments about by his being messed up still stand. Manage her expectations and/or insist on ski lessons for her older kids. Who knows maybe she won’t want to go? But to leave her out is super wrong.