People with a lot of friends and a big support system -- how do they do it? (Question about sister)
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
It did not work for us. |
Anonymous
I don't know it feels like a popularity contest. My SIL is like the OP's sister - and yet when our FIL was extremely ill (and he passed) I could not believe how selfish she was. It was awful! She didn't care or assist one bit. I was actually traumatized. So much for "family". No one would know this. She would be the one to receive tons of attention were she to have surgery or what not. I would not. Very limited support. |
Anonymous
Ha ha what a joke. It's popularity. |
Anonymous
This is not a good thing. She's a busy body. Maybe people "come" when she says, "come" because they are afraid not to. |
Anonymous
What do you mean? |
Anonymous
| Someone probably set up a FB organizational chart to provide meals and services. Or she belongs to a church that did that. |
Anonymous
DMV or elsewhere? |
Anonymous
+1 It’s charisma and often, financial generosity. My mom gave a lot of money to a lot of people and people were always grateful to her for that. (She also helped them in other ways, helping them find jobs, setting them up with good doctors etc.) |
Anonymous
Why so condescending? A meal train when you are sick is quite a big deal. Makes you feel you are not alone, that is really all you need 95% of the time. |
Anonymous
+3 You have to be one of the “cool kids”. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
But what about the introverts who lack the social skills/techniques that extroverted, 'cool' or charismatic people possess? How do they build up their network? How do they find their tribe? |
Anonymous
This. The PPs saying “oh, you have to be very giving and support others and then they will support you” must have a different experience than me. I was raised to be very giving and generous and that how I was for the first 15 years or so if adulthood. I was generous and forgiving with friends and colleagues (not a doormat, but I looked for the best in others and have them the benefit if the doubt). I volunteered a lot, helped people with their weddings and new babies, threw showers, organized meal trains, etc. I was also a part of several communities and actively participated in them— one in my longtime neighborhood, one through a long-time hobby, and one through a volunteering organization. Several years ago, I went through a very difficult time. I withdrew to deal with a medical issue, a mental health concern, and some family stuff. I was not secretive about any if it, but also didn’t blast it on social media. I told people when I saw them as appropriate. No one showed up for me from those communities. I mean no one. I was ok because my DH and a handful of close friends were there, and because I reached out for professional help when I needed it. But I didn’t receive a single offer of compassion or even a check in from those groups. The volunteer org I’d been with for years reached out simply to ask when I’d be available to volunteer, and when I said I didn’t know, they said “let us know!” and I never heard from them again. The hobby community was worse- just radio silence. Plus later I learned that some people had asked after me, but instead if anyone reaching out to me directly, people just speculated and it became a piece of gossip. Not nasty gossip, thankfully, but just something to talk about. People in my neighborhood weren’t as indifferent, and since I see them more, those relationships persisted. A couple people told me they had talked about doing a meal train but weren’t sure if it was appropriate. I think people needed to be told what to do. I’m a lot less generous now. Not stingy, but I prioritize my own happiness and well being waaaay over anyone else’s now. I used to wake up on a Saturday, briefly wish I didn’t have a volunteer shift or a neighborhood cleanup or something, but I’d do it because I said I would and because I was very conscientious. Not anymore. I don’t sign up for much now and I will bail on things if it’s what I need to feel my best. I don’t know the magic that gets people those outpourings of support. I’m sure it’s a combination of things. But the idea that it’s just people reciprocating someone’s past generosity? It can’t just be that. What I’ve learned is that very few relationships are reciprocal in that way. People get taken for granted all the time. |
Anonymous
|
Some posters say that you have to give first before you receive. While this may be true in a lot of cases, it doesn't always happen.
When my parents were younger, in their 30s & 40s, they used to host fancy dinner parties for their friends a couple times per year. My mother is an excellent cook! These gourmet dinners usually consisted of 'amuse-bouches' and champagne on arrival, followed by a 3-course dinner with fine wines + dessert and coffee. My mother would do all the cooking herself, except the dessert, which was bought. My parents would pride themselves on being good hosts. They liked to make people feel welcome. They also loved dressing the dinner table with their best table linen, a beautiful dinner service, flowers, etc. They enjoyed that kind of thing. My parents' friends all loved coming to these dinners! They brought a present for my mom and they had a good time. However, after a number of years my parents came to the conclusion that meals were never or hardly ever reciprocated. Usually about 8 to 10 guests would come to my parents house, but most of them never hosted anything. Putting on a great dinner with quality food and good wine is expensive and, although my parents loved doing this as a gesture to friends, they stopped hosting the dinners as it felt too one-sided in the end. My father in his younger days was also generous and he would often buy a round at his local bar. Not everyone reciprocated when it was their turn and it became noticeable after a while ... Sometimes one gives but doesn't receive ... |