Reply to People with a lot of friends and a big support system -- how do they do it? (Question about sister)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think a lot of givers don't get to play receiver.

The receivers are the ones who are very resourceful and typically very social. [/quote]

This. The PPs saying “oh, you have to be very giving and support others and then they will support you” must have a different experience than me.

I was raised to be very giving and generous and that how I was for the first 15 years or so if adulthood. I was generous and forgiving with friends and colleagues (not a doormat, but I looked for the best in others and have them the benefit if the doubt). I volunteered a lot, helped people with their weddings and new babies, threw showers, organized meal trains, etc. I was also a part of several communities and actively participated in them— one in my longtime neighborhood, one through a long-time hobby, and one through a volunteering organization.

Several years ago, I went through a very difficult time. I withdrew to deal with a medical issue, a mental health concern, and some family stuff. I was not secretive about any if it, but also didn’t blast it on social media. I told people when I saw them as appropriate.

No one showed up for me from those communities. I mean no one. I was ok because my DH and a handful of close friends were there, and because I reached out for professional help when I needed it. But I didn’t receive a single offer of compassion or even a check in from those groups. The volunteer org I’d been with for years reached out simply to ask when I’d be available to volunteer, and when I said I didn’t know, they said “let us know!” and I never heard from them again. The hobby community was worse- just radio silence. Plus later I learned that some people had asked after me, but instead if anyone reaching out to me directly, people just speculated and it became a piece of gossip. Not nasty gossip, thankfully, but just something to talk about.

People in my neighborhood weren’t as indifferent, and since I see them more, those relationships persisted. A couple people told me they had talked about doing a meal train but weren’t sure if it was appropriate. I think people needed to be told what to do.

I’m a lot less generous now. Not stingy, but I prioritize my own happiness and well being waaaay over anyone else’s now. I used to wake up on a Saturday, briefly wish I didn’t have a volunteer shift or a neighborhood cleanup or something, but I’d do it because I said I would and because I was very conscientious. Not anymore. I don’t sign up for much now and I will bail on things if it’s what I need to feel my best.

I don’t know the magic that gets people those outpourings of support. I’m sure it’s a combination of things. But the idea that it’s just people reciprocating someone’s past generosity? It can’t just be that. What I’ve learned is that very few relationships are reciprocal in that way. People get taken for granted all the time.[/quote]

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