People with a lot of friends and a big support system -- how do they do it? (Question about sister)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who get these outpourings tend to friendly and nice, and also extroverted, and also really active on social media. I think it also helps to have a wide age crossrange of people to whom you are connected. Retirees, 20 somethings, middle aged people with teens who they want to do good deeds all have more capacity than dual employment couples with young kids.

For the person who would like the network you get with Church, but not Church. I think you can find a version of this in many hobbyist groups. I have it in an activist group I'm part of-few of the people are close friends but they would absolutely put together a meal train, give money, help out with tasks if I needed it enough to ask (which would be really hard for me). I even know people who have developed that sort of group through an exercise class. Part of it is just being active in your community so that you are a know person-even if you aren't friends with everyone.

Yes to the bolded. I am friendly and nice, but not on social media, and not extroverted. I have a good set of close friends who I could and would call in a crisis, and they would be there for me. But I think people know me as fiercely independent and a little private and for all those reasons probably no one who would jump up and pitch in without me asking. I would have to ask for it, and that's frankly the way I want it. But I do adore my friends, and regularly reach out to a small, close group privately for regular texts and calls, and it would never occur to me to "test" them by cutting off contact for a month or more to see who contacted me. I think a willingness and desire to do that reflects more on the person running the "test" than the friends who they are hoping will contact them.

My sister, OTOH, is very extroverted and very much on social media. I think if she were going through a publicly-known issue (and all of her issues are, through social media), she would have supportive messages, emojis, text message affirmations, and more meals than she'd know what to do with for about a week. And everyone who sent a meal or helped would get an over-the-top Instagram post about how awesome they are. And then it would peter out. Her DH is also the kind of person who never enters a room without leaving with a new friend and plans for lunch. He's the kind of guy whose barista and dry cleaner would show up at his funeral. It's not because he's "better" than me or anyone. Hell, baristas and dry cleaners probably don't want to be so close to every customer. But it's just who he is. It doesn't mean that my close circle of friends isn't good enough or there for me when I need them.

The PPs talking about how to make friends at all as an adult in a small, insular town are exploring a different question, IMO.

PP here. I posted how I went off grid for 4 months last year and no one in our small town contacted me (or DH for that matter) spontaneously. I did this because I got tired of chasing people and not making much progress socially. It's draining.
And it's pretty demoralizing trying to organize or suggest meet ups with people, or to get some dialogue going, only to be met with a slight indifference (even when people are friendly) or some vague plans to meet up sometime in the future.

I know we were in the middle of a pandemic and we were all staying at home, but with today's technology it is really not hard to keep in touch with someone.

Neither DH nor I are on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter so perhaps this plays a role? We use text, WhatsApp or email instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who get these outpourings tend to friendly and nice, and also extroverted, and also really active on social media. I think it also helps to have a wide age crossrange of people to whom you are connected. Retirees, 20 somethings, middle aged people with teens who they want to do good deeds all have more capacity than dual employment couples with young kids.

For the person who would like the network you get with Church, but not Church. I think you can find a version of this in many hobbyist groups. I have it in an activist group I'm part of-few of the people are close friends but they would absolutely put together a meal train, give money, help out with tasks if I needed it enough to ask (which would be really hard for me). I even know people who have developed that sort of group through an exercise class. Part of it is just being active in your community so that you are a know person-even if you aren't friends with everyone.

Yes to the bolded. I am friendly and nice, but not on social media, and not extroverted. I have a good set of close friends who I could and would call in a crisis, and they would be there for me. But I think people know me as fiercely independent and a little private and for all those reasons probably no one who would jump up and pitch in without me asking. I would have to ask for it, and that's frankly the way I want it. But I do adore my friends, and regularly reach out to a small, close group privately for regular texts and calls, and it would never occur to me to "test" them by cutting off contact for a month or more to see who contacted me. I think a willingness and desire to do that reflects more on the person running the "test" than the friends who they are hoping will contact them.

My sister, OTOH, is very extroverted and very much on social media. I think if she were going through a publicly-known issue (and all of her issues are, through social media), she would have supportive messages, emojis, text message affirmations, and more meals than she'd know what to do with for about a week. And everyone who sent a meal or helped would get an over-the-top Instagram post about how awesome they are. And then it would peter out. Her DH is also the kind of person who never enters a room without leaving with a new friend and plans for lunch. He's the kind of guy whose barista and dry cleaner would show up at his funeral. It's not because he's "better" than me or anyone. Hell, baristas and dry cleaners probably don't want to be so close to every customer. But it's just who he is. It doesn't mean that my close circle of friends isn't good enough or there for me when I need them.

The PPs talking about how to make friends at all as an adult in a small, insular town are exploring a different question, IMO.

PP here. I posted how I went off grid for 4 months last year and no one in our small town contacted me (or DH for that matter) spontaneously. I did this because I got tired of chasing people and not making much progress socially. It's draining.
And it's pretty demoralizing trying to organize or suggest meet ups with people, or to get some dialogue going, only to be met with a slight indifference (even when people are friendly) or some vague plans to meet up sometime in the future.

I know we were in the middle of a pandemic and we were all staying at home, but with today's technology it is really not hard to keep in touch with someone.

Neither DH nor I are on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter so perhaps this plays a role? We use text, WhatsApp or email instead.

NP: not IME. 2 of the most social/popular women I know do not use social media much. They do have profiles but maybe post a pic twice/yr.

[Anonymous]

Extroverted. Warm. Non judgemental. Giving. Genuinely curious about people during conversation. Open about their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Also puts in the time with friends, keeps regular dates with people, makes an effort. For extroverts this kind of effort is effortless so that helps.


I'm a huge extrovert and when my dad died this year I was overwhelmed by the love, support, food, childcare help I got. My husband is much much more private, but he also wants a community and can't quite figure out how to do it.

[Anonymous]

much much more private

And it means that person values other people's privacy, which is a very good thing. Something, those who proclaim to be extroverts, don't know how to manage.

[Anonymous]

The idea of "a support system" is different for different people. I have lots of faith in the goodness of people, people in general. Even people I don't know. If a neighbor needed immediate help, or I did, of course it would happen. Ongoing help? Care taking help? Not really appropriate.

And if something big happens in my life, that's where I rely on close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also puts in the time with friends, keeps regular dates with people, makes an effort. For extroverts this kind of effort is effortless so that helps.


I'm a huge extrovert and when my dad died this year I was overwhelmed by the love, support, food, childcare help I got. My husband is much much more private, but he also wants a community and can't quite figure out how to do it.

Curious on what practical advice, if any, you gave your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she social, funny, beautiful, life of the party, etc etc?

While OP’s sister may be those things, the listed traits are different than the ones that make someone want to cook your family a meal when you are in the hospital.

+1. None of those have anything to do with it. Those are superficial traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This requires A LOT of giving before the receiving can happen. Not everyone is willing to put in the investment - are you?

It ALSO implies that you are an open person and informed many of your surgery coming up.

Many people don’t tell anything private to people. She shares. And frankly you can get good support and advice that way too. Work of mouth. Asking for referrals or help.

[Anonymous]

You work on being a good friend- reaching out, talking to your friends regularly, making plans, etc.

Then when you need support, don't be afraid to ask for it.

I recently had surgery and asked my neighbor and running buddy if she could coordinate the meal train for me. She was happy to do it and did a great job coordinating with my friends and family while I was in the hospital. I would do the same for her in a heart beat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This requires A LOT of giving before the receiving can happen. Not everyone is willing to put in the investment - are you?

It ALSO implies that you are an open person and informed many of your surgery coming up.

Many people don’t tell anything private to people. She shares. And frankly you can get good support and advice that way too. Work of mouth. Asking for referrals or help.

This is a good point. I will share what's going on with me during a health crisis. Others understandably don't want to share. People might not think to offer help.

[Anonymous]

When my dad died last year, I was touched by how many people dropped off food or brought flowers or took me out to lunch or called or sent cards. I'm an introvert and not someone who's "charismatic", but when we moved here 20 years ago not knowing very many people, I started living by the "to have a friend, be a friend" philosophy. That has made my life much richer and I'm grateful for the diverse friendships I've developed, including neighbors, co-workers, parents of our kids' friends. friends from a long-term volunteer activity I've done, friends from church, my book groupers (truly my people ) and my running group pals. I'm not someone who's constantly doing stuff for other people and we're pretty much homebodies, but we try to help when help is needed and we like to invite friends over for low-key gatherings. Mostly, though, I'm a good listener-- I'm genuinely curious about people's lives -- and I reach out. In some ways, over the years I've learned to be an extrovert in small doses. The greatest benefit has been that our kids have learned the habit of being a friend to others. The two oldest have gone on to college and were able to make really lovely friends easily. That makes my heart happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This requires A LOT of giving before the receiving can happen. Not everyone is willing to put in the investment - are you?

It ALSO implies that you are an open person and informed many of your surgery coming up.

Many people don’t tell anything private to people. She shares. And frankly you can get good support and advice that way too. Work of mouth. Asking for referrals or help.

This is a good point. I will share what's going on with me during a health crisis. Others understandably don't want to share. People might not think to offer help.

Yes, opening yourself up a little is one of those things that are important for closeness. We don’t really focus on that trait much.

[Anonymous]

People might not think to offer help

I don't like hearing about -what others are going through- from someone else. It feels icky. It feels like gossip. Even if it's presented as, "Mary's going through a tough time ...". If Mary hasn't told me this herself, I don't value hearing it from a third party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People might not think to offer help

I don't like hearing about -what others are going through- from someone else. It feels icky. It feels like gossip. Even if it's presented as, "Mary's going through a tough time ...". If Mary hasn't told me this herself, I don't value hearing it from a third party.

Well, sometimes Mary is too overwhelmed with her broken leg, divorce, or kid's cancer to pick up the phone and let you know. There are times when it's ok for a mutual friend or acquaintance to relay news about a family, so long as it's not in a salacious way.

Mary might appreciate a card, a casserole, or someone to babysit her kids if you're the type of person to want to reach out.