People with a lot of friends and a big support system -- how do they do it? (Question about sister)

[Anonymous]

My sister has a huge network of people who care about her - close friends, work friends, neighbors, etc. she recently underwent surgery and it was literally like the queen had died. Friends inundated her with meals, flowers, calls, social media posts. It was heart-warming but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel bad. I just do not have this kind of support in my life. And I am wondering how one goes about acquiring it? Maybe that is a silly question and if I don't know, I will never know? But I am curious. How do some people have such large "support" bases??

[Anonymous]

She’s probably a giver. You have to give in order to get.

Do you check up on your friends?

[Anonymous]

Is she social, funny, beautiful, life of the party, etc etc?

[Anonymous]

You're more likely to have that, if you're kind, supportive, non-judgmental, and the one that often does the heavy lifting to maintain relationships. Some people are naturally like this (my dad), and some people have to cultivate it. It is work, if it isn't in your nature.

Way back when my dad had major surgery, there was a woman also being operated on. Her case was more complex than dad's, which was serious enough. The waiting room was full of people there to see how she was doing. We got to talking, and it turned out that other than a couple of people, the rest weren't even related to her. She was "mom" to so many, was kind and generous, and looked out for them when they had troubles, small and large, in their own lives. They all considered her family.

[Anonymous]

This requires A LOT of giving before the receiving can happen. Not everyone is willing to put in the investment - are you?

[Anonymous]

Is she living in the same town that she grew up in - or the town that she went to college in? I find that happens more with people who have stayed in place for decades as opposed to those who move to big metro areas for work.

Also, sometimes there are just "sorority" types. If that's not you, that's ok. I was never that way and I do not mind. I have close friends that mean a lot. Not the larger circle. That's ok, too.

Hope she is recovering well.

[Anonymous]

Step back OP from this particular situation, and tell us what your sister is like with all of those people? My mother in law was like that - and it was so different from anyone in my family of origin. She taught me so much about human connection, and I miss her a lot. I would be more than delighted to fill this page with tales of how she has shown up for people, saw them who they were and how they wanted to be send, her memory and attention to detail. The list goes on.

I suspect your sister has a lot of that. So tells us what pulls people to her — and tell us where you are similar but maybe have not been able to express it the same way or as strongly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step back OP from this particular situation, and tell us what your sister is like with all of those people? My mother in law was like that - and it was so different from anyone in my family of origin. She taught me so much about human connection, and I miss her a lot. I would be more than delighted to fill this page with tales of how she has shown up for people, saw them who they were and how they wanted to be send, her memory and attention to detail. The list goes on.

I suspect your sister has a lot of that. So tells us what pulls people to her — and tell us where you are similar but maybe have not been able to express it the same way or as strongly.

send=seen

[Anonymous]

I have a huge network. I'm a giver, but my parents are bigger givers, and I think a lot of it is inherited good will.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be a support giver to others FIRST before you begin to expect others to give you their support.

[Anonymous]

You give a lot too, that is how. When your friends and family need you, you are there for them. You are there even if they don't need you. You give a lot of your free, rest time. It is that simple. Nothing is for free, apart from parents' love, and as we have seen on dcum, in many families even that is not without cost and it is often not given.
It takes effort and time and understanding of what friendship is.

[Anonymous]

I am like your sister OP. I’ve also struggled privately in unimaginable ways with loss. Grass isn’t always greener 💝

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she social, funny, beautiful, life of the party, etc etc?

While OP’s sister may be those things, the listed traits are different than the ones that make someone want to cook your family a meal when you are in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a huge network. I'm a giver, but my parents are bigger givers, and I think a lot of it is inherited good will.

+1

DP - My dad always said, “good always wins”. It is a mindset that definitely began at home. “Say what you mean, ans mean what you say.” “You get one reputation, respect it and protect it”

[Anonymous]

Many People with large networks tend to be extremely extroverted and need contact and relationships with many people. I have friends who get their energy from constantly interacting with others and they spend most of their free time maintaining their many friendships. I don’t know that most of these friendships are on a deeper level, but all of those people would definitely bring meals.