People with a lot of friends and a big support system -- how do they do it? (Question about sister)

[Anonymous]

While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

[Anonymous]

The easy solution would be to just ask your sister...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many People with large networks tend to be extremely extroverted and need contact and relationships with many people. I have friends who get their energy from constantly interacting with others and they spend most of their free time maintaining their many friendships. I don’t know that most of these friendships are on a deeper level, but all of those people would definitely bring meals.

Mostly this.

Also, people have to let people know they need help, which in these cases often means having multiple people in these different groups who will put the word out. There’s a level of personal disclosure required that many people aren’t comfortable with (often for good reason). You have to be okay with everyone knowing your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

+1 Is your sister respected or respectable in some way? I have seen such people get the flowers and meals and cards.

Also, in some communities, once you are a part of it, this is how it goes. So nothing really special about the people in these communities, some groups are just very community-oriented.

[Anonymous]

I know people like this. They have incredible bandwidth to maintain more relationships than I could hope to meaningfully sustain. But I don't think of this as a flaw, just different strokes and different strengths.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. She is amazing. She drives over gifts for all her friends’ birthdays, bakes cookies when a friend’s child is sick, offers to dog sits, volunteers for school and community events, helps out at the church soup Kitchen, sends texts to check in. She is just the best friend a person could have…but to a huge network of people. I think what you give comes back in most cases.

[Anonymous]

So, we had a lot of this outpouring (but not SM posts) when our daughter has brain cancer. Here is what I chalk it up to:

1. We live in a neighborhood that is pretty tight. But we have participated in that by hosting large potlucks, movie nights, etc. While we aren’t best friends with all the neighbors, they “know” us. When we had to call an ambulance, three different families sent someone over to help and I left one kid with them as we went to the hospital.

2. We belong to a church and attend a regular Sunday school. Church people tend to naturally show up for this kind of stuff.

3. My girlfriends from grad school are tight. We do annual trips. They love all over the country but sent stuff to us.

4. We have sometimes asked for help. My husband had surgery one day that there was a freak storm and school was canceled. I sent a message to like 5 empty nest neighbors asking if they could hang with the kids while I took my husband to and from surgery. Two or three of them then coordinated to make it happen.

5. I try to reciprocate. I’m not a natural giver but I do what I can. For example, the neighbor across the street cares at home for his wife with dementia. If I make extra of a meal, we send some over to him. He blows the pine straw off our driveway when he does his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people like this. They have incredible bandwidth to maintain more relationships than I could hope to meaningfully sustain. But I don't think of this as a flaw, just different strokes and different strengths.

Same here. Sure it'd be nice to have that level of support when I needed it, but you have to build that and it takes work. It's just not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably a giver. You have to give in order to get.

Do you check up on your friends?

+1

If you want a friend, be a friend.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, we had a lot of this outpouring (but not SM posts) when our daughter has brain cancer. Here is what I chalk it up to:

1. We live in a neighborhood that is pretty tight. But we have participated in that by hosting large potlucks, movie nights, etc. While we aren’t best friends with all the neighbors, they “know” us. When we had to call an ambulance, three different families sent someone over to help and I left one kid with them as we went to the hospital.

2. We belong to a church and attend a regular Sunday school. Church people tend to naturally show up for this kind of stuff.

3. My girlfriends from grad school are tight. We do annual trips. They love all over the country but sent stuff to us.

4. We have sometimes asked for help. My husband had surgery one day that there was a freak storm and school was canceled. I sent a message to like 5 empty nest neighbors asking if they could hang with the kids while I took my husband to and from surgery. Two or three of them then coordinated to make it happen.

5. I try to reciprocate. I’m not a natural giver but I do what I can. For example, the neighbor across the street cares at home for his wife with dementia. If I make extra of a meal, we send some over to him. He blows the pine straw off our driveway when he does his own.

Best wishes to your daughter. Do you live in the DMV? I’m here and it was eye opening to visit my cousin in Texas as she was going through a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

I think much of it can be attributed to how many groups a person belongs to/participates in: church, moms group, PTA, community organizations, a cohesive workplace, neighborhood , etc.
Once one person in a group is notified, then they can spread the word and organize others for meals, childcare, rides to appointments, etc. This multiplies the help that is offered when compared to people independently offering support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, we had a lot of this outpouring (but not SM posts) when our daughter has brain cancer. Here is what I chalk it up to:

1. We live in a neighborhood that is pretty tight. But we have participated in that by hosting large potlucks, movie nights, etc. While we aren’t best friends with all the neighbors, they “know” us. When we had to call an ambulance, three different families sent someone over to help and I left one kid with them as we went to the hospital.

2. We belong to a church and attend a regular Sunday school. Church people tend to naturally show up for this kind of stuff.

3. My girlfriends from grad school are tight. We do annual trips. They love all over the country but sent stuff to us.

4. We have sometimes asked for help. My husband had surgery one day that there was a freak storm and school was canceled. I sent a message to like 5 empty nest neighbors asking if they could hang with the kids while I took my husband to and from surgery. Two or three of them then coordinated to make it happen.

5. I try to reciprocate. I’m not a natural giver but I do what I can. For example, the neighbor across the street cares at home for his wife with dementia. If I make extra of a meal, we send some over to him. He blows the pine straw off our driveway when he does his own.

Best wishes to your daughter. Do you live in the DMV? I’m here and it was eye opening to visit my cousin in Texas as she was going through a difficult time.

I live in the south — probably she should have said that. And she is great, years post chemo.

[Anonymous]

I really think culture has a lot to do with this - culture of your friend group, culture of where you live, size of city, etc etc etc

[Anonymous]

I don't have a massive network, but I have a fair amount of people who care about me, and that's a result of keeping friendships for decades. My friend with a massive network probably does something for someone outside of her immediate family EVERY DAY, which is impressive but I wouldn't be capable of it.