How are you raising your kids?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The only allegiance I want my coach to have is to winning.

I prefer a coach who despise talking to parents. All parents. No favorites. No politics.

Winning. That’s it

meh. nothing angers me more than a coach who hides behind the policy of talking to players only to avoid a difficult subject with a parent. This is a service industry in which the parents are the customers, not the players. Too often coaches do not have enough respect for parents. I agree that parents should not go off half cocked, and these few bad cases are very likely coloring the picture of all parents as lunatics, but coaches need to man up as well.
With regard to posts on DCUM, nobody, including coaches should take anything on here seriously. This forum is not real life, so coach ... lighten up.

You have a point. Too many coaches automatically take a militant attitude with parents. Fair enough. But, coaches don't flock here to issue half-cocked innuendos assassinating parents. If we did, we may run out of space. I once kicked a kid off my team in the middle of a game. The player had been warned and warned but exhibited a poor attitude and, when I took him or her off the field, he or she threw a temper tantrum. I told the player (17) to pick up their bag and hit the road. It was incredibly gratifying, but not as gratifying as dealing with the parents when they called to complain that I had sent their little brat packing. They said to me "You are supposed to be the adult" to which I responded "Well, so are you, and you raised a little monster. Get it together before that kid ends up in jail". I refused to give them their money back as I had put the kid on a behavior contract and clearly outlined the expectations. All of a sudden, my name started getting trashed on the old forum. Pretty hard to figure out who it was huh? Oh, and the kid did end up in jail. I tried to tell them. Oh, and the rest of the players and the rest of the parents loved me for doing it

You have one example of a bad apple. We have thousands of examples of terrible coaching and money management and abusive tactics. Read thru the forum.

Abusive tactics. Did you leave right away? Seems like that would be the responsible thing to do.. Thousands of examples... please. This is a select group of loudmouth accentuated by the occasional irate Karen. At least, that is the makeup of the coach and childbashers. There are also good threads here

I would bet that 99% of these posts are by men not women. And now you can count yourself as one.

Karens can be either

Chad’s. They’re Chad’s.

Someone older out there is going to start talking about hanging chads.

How’s it hangin’ Chad? Sorry, just keeping in line with the maturity level of most of this thread.

[Anonymous]

I understand what OP is trying to say and there are a lot of truths but do you see how coach took no accountability for any of it. 95% of coaches just want parents to keep their mouths shut and just follow along. That's what pisses me off. They want to hide behind "development" with no measurable ways to track it and that they deal with players directly. If you want to diffuse problems, hold more parent meetings. Be more available to discuss things. Care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand what OP is trying to say and there are a lot of truths but do you see how coach took no accountability for any of it. 95% of coaches just want parents to keep their mouths shut and just follow along. That's what pisses me off. They want to hide behind "development" with no measurable ways to track it and that they deal with players directly. If you want to diffuse problems, hold more parent meetings. Be more available to discuss things. Care!

They also hide behind noone is going to be the next Messi so parents shouldn't care. That is similar to Math teachers not teaching the kids anything because what are the odds of one of these kids being the next Einstein.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only allegiance I want my coach to have is to winning.

I prefer a coach who despise talking to parents. All parents. No favorites. No politics.

Winning. That’s it

That would be great. I recall one of the club's in the area doesn't allow parents to talk to the coach directly. They need to talk to a staffer who will coordinate the meeting and be in the meeting as well. More clubs should do this. More clubs should also drop having players family members help with team mgmt. Too much favoritism by the coach goes to those players. Again, politics in travel soccer is unnecessary.

New to this thread but after downing lots of popcorn, I'll play. Our club does exactly this when a talk needs to happen between parent and coach. This is the first club we've been with that doesn't have near the level of parent/coach drama! They refer to all that as "Game of Thrones Soccer" and don't partake in it. I won't dare mention the club name as that will spin off a whole other tangent of hatred and discontent. No, we're not with Loudoun

[Anonymous]

+1 to both above posts. Look: when you join a team that is not Rec, what you year is it’s all about your DCs development. You watch and wait. Then after a while you realize that all is not quite as it seems. Let’s say, the biggest players always start. Or at U11 or U10, the kids never play different positions. Or, playing time is a serious issue (which is never ok at very young ages). You raise this to the coach and they say, I’m the coach. Not you. Or you raise to the club and they say, it is at the coach’s discretion. You could leave, but now your DC has friends. And at least the downsides are known. Who would now trust another club or coach to be honest? How do you know the difference? All most of us want is for our kids to learn, grow, and have a great time playing competitive soccer. Play in high school. Maybe college for a very few. The system seems designed to beat families down, to be honest. I should not have to talk to the coach to get my 9YO to see more than 15 minutes in a game. Or to play anything other than defense. He may not be the best on the team now, but he is also unlikely to improve much with that little time in game. So. What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Hear, not year above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh.
I do agree that some parents are out of control as are some kids. However, many clubs have given up on development and parents are tired of shelling out thousands of dollars to have coaches who yell and scream at kids if they screw up but won't spend the time to help them grow. Youth soccer is toxic and coaches are part of the problem too.

100% I believe that is the point of most of the posts on this forum. And the fact that some coach gets on here to defend his horrible behavior is just perfect.

[Anonymous]

All this rational discussion with parental proof has scared away the OP. Maybe he realized this isn't a soccer field filled with 9/10 year olds and actually educated parents who have watched enough BS go down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been around this now for many years.

Not sure who is worse, the coaches or the parents. But I will say this, the parents have emotion as an excuse. They are not the supposed professionals in this relationship. The coaches have two jobs: 1) To teach the kids; 2) to communicate in a professional and thoughtful and open manner to their paying customers (the parents). At the older ages at the higher levels they should also connect top kids with college coaches. Winning is tertiary, but nice to also achieve. If they are doing the first two things it is likely that will be true too.

The coaches in this area are by and large excellent and far better than when I played. The parents are far worse. I am one of them and part of the problem. I think we need to temper our expectations for how our kids will turn out and substantially raise our expectations for how much our kids should be accountable for their own development. The same is true in education. The same chronic expectation of perfection for others to produce great results for our kids with minimal stress and accountability for our kids in classrooms is played out in athletics. There has never been a better infrastructure for success in athletics and education matched with an equally impoverished environment at home for breeding autonomy, independent decision making, and excellence.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh.
I do agree that some parents are out of control as are some kids. However, many clubs have given up on development and parents are tired of shelling out thousands of dollars to have coaches who yell and scream at kids if they screw up but won't spend the time to help them grow. Youth soccer is toxic and coaches are part of the problem too.

100% I believe that is the point of most of the posts on this forum. And the fact that some coach gets on here to defend his horrible behavior is just perfect.

+2 To the OP, I would tell you what I tell my clients - communication goes a long way. Clubs or coaches need to communicate expectations to parents. Coaches, in particular, need to communicate with players. All players should be treated fairly. The 5'10 inch striker on your u13 team is fast and can win the ball in most situations. However, if he skill and tactical issues to work on, make sure you tell him that. That undersized benchwarmer can't make himself bigger, but make sure you help him understand how to use his body and technical skills effectively.

Every player on the team should be equally important in terms of your communication, effort, and interest. Ignoring players who have displeased you for reasons unknown to them is part of what sets parents off. Hold your best players to the same standards as you do your bench players and acknowledge hard work and effort when you see it. It's way easier for that fast kid to win the ball than the slow kid, so when the slow kid succeeds through intelligent movement off the ball, that should be celebrated more than a footrace.

Having been through youth soccer with several kids, with different years when my kids were at the top of a team or at the bottom, the best coaches treat every player on the roster with respect. And truth be told, when your kid is at the top, as a parent, that can be tough to take. You'll get the sideline grumbling when the bench players start warming up during a tight game. Ultimately, teaching children fairness and respect is more important than any win. I'm all for playing your best in tournaments, but in regular league games, you need to find a spot for every player to play in the younger age groups.

Oh, and by the way, if you made a mistake and picked a kid who is not up to snuff, have the difficult conversation. That's your job. Don't ignore the kid or force her family to travel to some crappy town in New Jersey paying for a hotel room for the honor of sitting on the sidelines while their daughter does not see a single minute of playing time over the course of a weekend. I've watched that happen (not to my own kid), and it lead me to decide that none of this is worth it. I felt dirty playing along.

If you really want to earn respect, if you aren't as committed to the development of your weaker players, talk to them or their parents about other options for playing opportunities. Don't wait until someone better shows up at practice to tell the kid what he needs to work on. That's a coward's way out, but it happens all the time.

Yes, some parents are nuts. I've found myself venturing down that road at various times. Still, don't forget that they are your customers. You feed the crazy if you don't communicate and create a positive dynamic for the team and parents. That too is a club and coach responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Best post of the string above.

[Anonymous]

Accountability required all around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh.
I do agree that some parents are out of control as are some kids. However, many clubs have given up on development and parents are tired of shelling out thousands of dollars to have coaches who yell and scream at kids if they screw up but won't spend the time to help them grow. Youth soccer is toxic and coaches are part of the problem too.

100% I believe that is the point of most of the posts on this forum. And the fact that some coach gets on here to defend his horrible behavior is just perfect.

+2 To the OP, I would tell you what I tell my clients - communication goes a long way. Clubs or coaches need to communicate expectations to parents. Coaches, in particular, need to communicate with players. All players should be treated fairly. The 5'10 inch striker on your u13 team is fast and can win the ball in most situations. However, if he skill and tactical issues to work on, make sure you tell him that. That undersized benchwarmer can't make himself bigger, but make sure you help him understand how to use his body and technical skills effectively.

Every player on the team should be equally important in terms of your communication, effort, and interest. Ignoring players who have displeased you for reasons unknown to them is part of what sets parents off. Hold your best players to the same standards as you do your bench players and acknowledge hard work and effort when you see it. It's way easier for that fast kid to win the ball than the slow kid, so when the slow kid succeeds through intelligent movement off the ball, that should be celebrated more than a footrace.

Having been through youth soccer with several kids, with different years when my kids were at the top of a team or at the bottom, the best coaches treat every player on the roster with respect. And truth be told, when your kid is at the top, as a parent, that can be tough to take. You'll get the sideline grumbling when the bench players start warming up during a tight game. Ultimately, teaching children fairness and respect is more important than any win. I'm all for playing your best in tournaments, but in regular league games, you need to find a spot for every player to play in the younger age groups.

Oh, and by the way, if you made a mistake and picked a kid who is not up to snuff, have the difficult conversation. That's your job. Don't ignore the kid or force her family to travel to some crappy town in New Jersey paying for a hotel room for the honor of sitting on the sidelines while their daughter does not see a single minute of playing time over the course of a weekend. I've watched that happen (not to my own kid), and it lead me to decide that none of this is worth it. I felt dirty playing along.

If you really want to earn respect, if you aren't as committed to the development of your weaker players, talk to them or their parents about other options for playing opportunities. Don't wait until someone better shows up at practice to tell the kid what he needs to work on. That's a coward's way out, but it happens all the time.

Yes, some parents are nuts. I've found myself venturing down that road at various times. Still, don't forget that they are your customers. You feed the crazy if you don't communicate and create a positive dynamic for the team and parents. That too is a club and coach responsibility.

+1 to all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to both above posts. Look: when you join a team that is not Rec, what you year is it’s all about your DCs development. You watch and wait. Then after a while you realize that all is not quite as it seems. Let’s say, the biggest players always start. Or at U11 or U10, the kids never play different positions. Or, playing time is a serious issue (which is never ok at very young ages). You raise this to the coach and they say, I’m the coach. Not you. Or you raise to the club and they say, it is at the coach’s discretion. You could leave, but now your DC has friends. And at least the downsides are known. Who would now trust another club or coach to be honest? How do you know the difference? All most of us want is for our kids to learn, grow, and have a great time playing competitive soccer. Play in high school. Maybe college for a very few. The system seems designed to beat families down, to be honest. I should not have to talk to the coach to get my 9YO to see more than 15 minutes in a game. Or to play anything other than defense. He may not be the best on the team now, but he is also unlikely to improve much with that little time in game. So. What do you do?

EXCELLENT points!

"What do you do?"

What we did was try a few different clubs until we found the right fit. IF we could go back in time sure, we'd do a lot of things differently. But the lesson for DS has been this is a journey and to enjoy every moment of it. Embrace the grind. W's are nice, but they don't define you. Neither do the L's, the team/club you are on at the moment nor league they play in. There's a book to be written once our journey is done. The chapter on personal character lessons learned will be huge. We stress that he's going to hear a thousand "No's" before or if he ever get's a yes... DS has been VERY dedicated to doing the extra work outside club training. We tried a private trainer and quickly saw that wasn't $ustainable. He's taken drills and ideas from coaches, YouTube, etc. That's been the key to his climb through the ranks. As a highschooler he's done a ton of trials to include MUCH higher level clubs in/outside the area. It's nice to see how he stacks up and gain comfort in the unfamiliar and potentially stressful tryout environment.

[Anonymous]

I see it from a different perspective. It should be about the Coach and the Player only. Communication should only happen between Coach and Player only.

- Parents should have no involvement in team management and should only be able to meet with the Coach with the Player and Staffer if a meeting is needed.
- It's up to your DC to speak up if they aren't getting playing time, ask what skills they should be working on outside of practice, etc. If parents need to say something to the coach it will have to come from player or setup meeting.
- Parents should not be recommending guest players to a Coach - again parents should have no involvement in the team decisions or who the coach should look at. Parents should only be driving the kid to practice/games and cheering them on the sidelines.
- I don't think a coach needs to justify decisions being made. He is the coach and will do what's needed (within reason) to get the W.

Parents are just in the way of the kid's development and progress in the sport if they have involvement. When your kid goes off to play in college/pro's are mommy and daddy going to be there to fight for playing time or making decisions for them? Might as well let them make the mistakes now so they can learn from them and not from you telling them what to do. If your kid wants to play at the next level they will work hard and do what they need to do to get there.