Cannot do COVID anymore

[Anonymous]

You have a DH problem. Not a covid problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to have to pay someone to do the work your DH is perfectly capable of doing, but I think you need to do it to save your sanity. Bring back the housekeeper or the nanny. Tell your DH to start looking for work. I’m sorry. This too shall pass.

This is the only solution. You can’t change or control DH. But you can get a caregiver. You’ve got to stay employed or the whole house of cards will come down. A nanny will help you stay sane which will keep you employed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.

I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.

PP here.

OP I think you're getting some good advice here, mixed in with some less helpful (and less sympathetic) posts.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband, and I think you need to be extremely careful not to BLAME him for not "pulling his weight" as some others have said. In my marriage it has been quite helpful for us to accept that we are both giving 100%. Just because there are things he could do more efficiently or better doesn't mean he's not giving HIS 100%. Similarly, I'm sure you have moments of procrastinating on the internet (even on DCUM!) and it doesn't mean you're not giving 100%. Comparing who is doing what is toxic. But, the truth is, something has to give. It matters that you are drowning, and it should matter to your DH as well. It doesn't mean he has to do more, but he might have to do some things different.

There are basically three different options when you are overwhelmed in a family with young kids where one or more adults works long hours:

First, lower your standards. Consider supplementing with formula. Expect things to be at least a little messier than you'd like. I saw other PPs mention this.

Second, reduce your work hours. I mostly take it at face value that you can't do this, but I will say that some of the best career advice my DH ever received from a partner who mentored him was to always let your superiors know IN ADVANCE if you are struggling to get your work done. If you drop the ball on something or turn in bad work, it will reflect poorly on you. But if you are up front in advance that you are struggling with what's already on your plate, people will be sympathetic. I know this isn't true at all firms but it ended up being true at DH's (I had health issues and he just couldn't work like he used to), and now he pays it forward by being accommodating and forgiving when associates tell him they are overwhelmed - as long as they do it in a way that doesn't personally screw HIM over by turning in crappy work at the last minute! Anyway I would not underestimate how sympathetic people can be right now.

Third and most importantly, I think, is outsourcing. I would hope that your DH could appreciate that YOU need help with this situation, and might bend a little with regard to his reluctance to hire housecleaners. I know people are suggesting someone once a month but truly if you can afford it I'd go at least weekly - that way someone else can do the laundry! If you don't do that, at least consider things like a robot vacuum / mop, a laundry service (we've used Rinse with success), and a food delivery service (we've used Chef Jess for recurring meals tailored more to our tastes, and Galley for other days). I also recommend Fresh Direct for grocery service (you can make grocery lists and have a weekly reservation, and they don't run out of items like some other services with individual shoppers do). Fresh Direct also has a good selection of pre-made (or mostly made) foods like lasagna or kabobs you can just stick in the oven. Hopefully your DH will be in charge of the outsourcing.

I think it's really nice that you help out and are present for lunch and dinner in your house. My DH does the same for me, and I'd be so lonely without it. I've SAH for several years but doing it during Covid is a whole other challenge. Normally I'd be out and about for much of the day. Being home with a baby who doesn't talk is hard. It's both too little and too much, all day long.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to change how you deal with the pandemic if you are going to survive this chaos until we are back to normal life.

Yes, you should avoid gatherings, eating inside restaurants (even outside with the flu season looming), holidays parties, sports events, etc.

However, some stuff has to be back to normal. This is not the plague and if you are not immunocompromised (and your family of course), hire a nanny and have your housecleaner back at least every other week. If your husband finds a job now, have the housecleaner every week.

If it would make you feel more comfortable, schedule them for a time during the day when you can take a break (maybe lunch time or end of the day) and leave the house with everyone to go for a walk or just drive around, etc. I don't even do that to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, switch to formula. Feeding the baby is now on equal terms. You need ten hours of work time; there are 24 hours in the day. He needs to go to medical appointments, so you have control. He should go to the grocery store at off hours when you would be with the kids anyway. Get more deliveries. If he’s got control of the kids while you’re working, you don’t step in and let him do it his way.

I am truly sympathetic because it’s hard, but if the genders were reversed, people would be all over a husband wondering “just what does my SAHW do all day and why do I have to help?”

Hang in there.

I second switch to formula. Pregnant with my 4th and definitely this one is only getting formula. I've nursed 2 and ff 1 and ff is the way to go

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM with ADHD, back issues, and two young kids, ages 1 and 4. DH has a demanding job. I absolutely take care of the kids 100% and try to keep the house clean. With my executive function difficulties, our house looks like a disaster. These things help us stay afloat.

1. Get your cleaners back. We ask for Saturday appointments, so we can leave the house. It helps me so much to start the month with a clean slate.

2. Get a TV or Google home to put in the kitchen. Having a TV under the sink means we always have a clean kitchen by the end of the evening. It never used to happen. Best $125 we spent, by far.

3. Schedule doctors’ appointments in the early morning. You watch the kids while you get ready. Stick toddler in front of TV, and have the baby in the shower with you, or let him/ her cry in the crib while you shower. It’s really okay if the baby cries for a few minutes. Put a few toys in the crib, explain that mommy will come back, and at least rinse off. You can also put a pack and play in the door of your bathroom. It’s cold, but then the baby will understand that you are there.

4. Set expectations with DH. Spell out which chores are the most important from a mental health state. DH NEEDS the soap dispensers filled. It’s his thing. He needs to know, explicitly, that you are on the brink.

( Didn’t have time to read the thread.)

[Anonymous]

pp, here:

2. I wash dishes and watch TV after the kids are in bed? Realized that that was vague.

Sorry, I was rushing.

[Anonymous]

Also, you need some alone time every day. can you get off at 5 or 5:30? Here’s our evening schedule:

4:45 SAH spouse and kids clean the living room.
5:00 WAH spouse comes downstairs. Older child goes potty. Both parents help kids with shoes and coats.
5:10 One parent starts cooking. ( glass of wine optional.) Other parent takes both kids for a bike ride or to play in the back yard. Chef inside gets to listen to the news, while cooking.
5:45 Dinner
6:30 One year old goes upstairs for bath. Older child gets special time with a parent. Older child cleans up play area for the last time, if applicable.
7:00 Older child goes upstairs for bath and bed.
Parent who is more stressed that day gets easier child.

Start formula to make this schedule more flxible.

After bedtime, DH cleans kitchen while watching TV. You continue to work.

Once you are both done, relax together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM with a husband in big law and 3 kids. I can relate to your DH’s caregiver fatigue, especially since he didn’t intend to be a SAHD. I planned to stay home, but certainly not for months and months on end without kids in schools or occasional babysitters, and without all the fun indoor kids places that would give me a bit of a break. So I get it! But he needs to suck it up. Here are my suggestions for when you are in crisis mode, and it certainly sounds like you are there:

1 - no more errands, order everything online. I feel guilty about not supporting small business and do my best to do that as much as possible, but I have zero time/energy for errands. Amazon EVERYTHING, instacart/amazon fresh/whatever other grocery delivery service. NO MORE TRIPS TO THE GROCERY STORE WHILE YOU ARE WORKING!! It is insane to me that he was doing that. When I grocery shops, I go at 9pm after kids are in bed. It blows me mind that this isn’t happening already. Bonus - the kids love to color and play in all the boxes! Stick that baby in an amazon box and play peek a boo, the older one can color them and turn them into cars or whatever.

2- HOUSECLEANER. Even Fauci has his cleaner come! You can have the cleaner skip your office (or whenever you are working) and you just clean that yourself. Schedule the cleaners to come on the weeks your big kid is in preschool, and then DH takes the baby out of the house during that time. They can go for a walk or even just play in the car if you don’t have outdoor space. Keep all the windows open, make sure the cleaners wear masks, buy an air purifier, have them only clean the areas that bother you the most to cut down on their time in your house or whatever makes your DH most comfortable. But he doesn’t get to veto the cleaners and then not pick up the slack. We had to cancel our cleaner because our house is tiny and I have three kids home full time (2 doing virtual elementary school) and there’s really no way for us to get out of their way. So our house is filthy but we are just leaving with it and we both clean when we can.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/home/hiring-professional-cleaners-covid-19-rules-to-keep-everyone-as-safe-as-possible/2020/08/18/27747ac2-d808-11ea-aff6-220dd3a14741_story.html

3- EASY MEALS - now is not the time to flex culinary chops. It is a pain for me to make dinner every night while DH finishes work and the kids are driving me insane after I have been alone with them for house. So I do a ton of frozen meals. Pretty much all of Stauffer’s frozen family meals are edible, we like the lasagna, meatloaf, chicken and rice bake. Also chicken pot pie, frozen meatballs, fish sticks, plus all the frozen veggies. I am seriously thinking of buying an extra freezer. Also, takeout. And what is he making for lunch that requires your participation?? The kid is 3. PBJ, quesadillas, frozen nuggets, Mac and cheese. I eat a lot of lean cuisines or just make extra of what the kids eat.

Honestly it sounds like your DH needs a break from the kids at these times more than he needs help making dinner. So maybe give him a 10 minute break to just relax while you pop in the frozen dinner and play with the kids for a few minutes instead of him cooking for half and hour.

4 - mental health screening for DH. Does it seem like he could be depressed? ADHD? If he is caring for non-walking 9 month old and a 3 year old only ever other week...he should be able to help with getting things off your plate. Are you pressuring him to be ‘on’ with the kids all the time? It’s okay for kids to watch some Tv while he scrolls Facebook and zones out for a few minutes and then does the dishes or whatever.

It takes 2 hours for aerosols to settle afterwards... so maybe take that into consideration for cleaning time/ what you want to spray down after.

[Anonymous]

I used to have kids your exact ages. Some people make it look easy and it was freakin hard. Those ages are hard. I feel bad for your DH and you. I would recommend grocery delivery and more take out/delivery. I’m a SAHM and I was not and still am not a good homemaker. We outsource cleaning. Our cleaning ladies wear masks.

[Anonymous]

OP, a quick suggestion. Call your HVAC people and get a UV light installed inside your HVAC. It will take care of airborne pathogens that are circulating through the HVAC system. Also, reduces cooking smells magically. Best $800 we spent right before the pandemic.

It will be peace of mind for you when your cleaning service comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to step it up, yell your husband to step it up.
Tell him unambiguously that the chores are his, and not his opportunity to do better with them. They're his to do, period.

dear god no. time to start letting go of the fear or you are going to drown. get a housekeeper. hire a nanny. if you create animosity with your husband you will surely not make it. you can do those things with precautions in place. but you have to balance your fear of covid with your human limitations.

[Anonymous]

Get your cleaner back and have her skip your home office. The DH and kids can leave when they're there. This is worth it, trust me. Not risky either since they wear masks.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need a nanny. I have a husband who does do 50% of the work at home (he's self employed, so flexible), AND I have a very flexible job, and despite this, we still need help with two kids in the pandemic. We did it ourselves until August and then broke down. We thankfully have one grandparent in the area and she comes 15-18 hours a week, and it is a complete life saver. Just knowing we can call on her in a pinch is such a mental boost.

[Anonymous]

Can you wean? And have groceries delivered? That should reduce the times you're watching the baby to just 1-2 doctors appointments/week, right?

I am in big law with DH as the primary caregiver to our toddler. Billing roughly the same hours which is pretty average in my group. When this first started, I felt guilty about DH being with the kid all day and would take over childcare for an hour a couple of times a day. It doesn't work. You need to have a full day of uninterrupted work time to be able to work and also sleep.

We are too nervous to have a housekeeper back. DH is okay with cleaning but house is definitely not as clean as it used to be. I've learned to just kind of deal with that.