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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.[/quote]

I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further. [/quote]

PP here.

OP I think you're getting some good advice here, mixed in with some less helpful (and less sympathetic) posts.

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband, and I think you need to be extremely careful not to BLAME him for not "pulling his weight" as some others have said.  In my marriage it has been quite helpful for us to accept that we are both giving 100%.  Just because there are things he could do more efficiently or better doesn't mean he's not giving HIS 100%.  Similarly, I'm sure you have moments of procrastinating on the internet (even on DCUM!) and it doesn't mean you're not giving 100%.  Comparing who is doing what is toxic.  But, the truth is, something has to give.  It matters that you are drowning, and it should matter to your DH as well.  It doesn't mean he has to do more, but he might have to do some things different.

There are basically three different options when you are overwhelmed in a family with young kids where one or more adults works long hours:

First, lower your standards.  Consider supplementing with formula.  Expect things to be at least a little messier than you'd like.  I saw other PPs mention this.

Second, reduce your work hours.  I mostly take it at face value that you can't do this, but I will say that some of the best career advice my DH ever received from a partner who mentored him was to always let your superiors know IN ADVANCE if you are struggling to get your work done.  If you drop the ball on something or turn in bad work, it will reflect poorly on you.  But if you are up front in advance that you are struggling with what's already on your plate, people will be sympathetic.  I know this isn't true at all firms but it ended up being true at DH's (I had health issues and he just couldn't work like he used to), and now he pays it forward by being accommodating and forgiving when associates tell him they are overwhelmed - as long as they do it in a way that doesn't personally screw HIM over by turning in crappy work at the last minute!  Anyway I would not underestimate how sympathetic people can be right now.

Third and most importantly, I think, is outsourcing.  I would hope that your DH could appreciate that YOU need help with this situation, and might bend a little with regard to his reluctance to hire housecleaners.  I know people are suggesting someone once a month but truly if you can afford it I'd go at least weekly - that way someone else can do the laundry!  If you don't do that, at least consider things like a robot vacuum / mop, a laundry service (we've used Rinse with success), and a food delivery service (we've used Chef Jess for recurring meals tailored more to our tastes, and Galley for other days).  I also recommend Fresh Direct for grocery service (you can make grocery lists and have a weekly reservation, and they don't run out of items like some other services with individual shoppers do).  Fresh Direct also has a good selection of pre-made (or mostly made) foods like lasagna or kabobs you can just stick in the oven.  Hopefully your DH will be in charge of the outsourcing.

I think it's really nice that you help out and are present for lunch and dinner in your house.  My DH does the same for me, and I'd be so lonely without it.  I've SAH for several years but doing it during Covid is a whole other challenge.  Normally I'd be out and about for much of the day.  Being home with a baby who doesn't talk is hard.  It's both too little and too much, all day long.

Good luck![/quote]

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