Cannot do COVID anymore

[Anonymous]

I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Is there anyway you can put your baby in day care? If you’re able to swing it financially, I think it would do a lot of good for your mental health.

[Anonymous]

It sucks to have to pay someone to do the work your DH is perfectly capable of doing, but I think you need to do it to save your sanity. Bring back the housekeeper or the nanny. Tell your DH to start looking for work. I’m sorry. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a full time nanny. Someone you vet and can find a point of trust with. DH clearly can't do it. Get him back to what he should be doing - getting a job.


The nanny can handle kids' laundry and other things to make your life easier.

[Anonymous]

When do you think you will stop nursing? I made it to a year with my kid and the amount of time and sanity that I regained when I stopped was amazing, I didn't even realize until a couple months after I stopped and my hormones settled how crazy making it was to be the only person that could feed the baby. You have an older kid, so you've been through this once before at least, so think about how that might be making all of this more intense for you--you are the only one earning money and the only one feeding one of the kids. That's a lot of mental weight.

Also, is it an option to have the baby go to the same childcare as the older kid?

I'm so sorry things are really tough right now, truly.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband to step it up, yell your husband to step it up.
Tell him unambiguously that the chores are his, and not his opportunity to do better with them. They're his to do, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

[Anonymous]

The only answer is, husband HAS to step up.

"sucks at chores" is not an excuse for any able bodied adult

Household chores are not hard, they just require effort and diligence, things any adult can put forth.

[Anonymous]

First off, switch to formula. Feeding the baby is now on equal terms. You need ten hours of work time; there are 24 hours in the day. He needs to go to medical appointments, so you have control. He should go to the grocery store at off hours when you would be with the kids anyway. Get more deliveries. If he’s got control of the kids while you’re working, you don’t step in and let him do it his way.

I am truly sympathetic because it’s hard, but if the genders were reversed, people would be all over a husband wondering “just what does my SAHW do all day and why do I have to help?”

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to step it up, yell your husband to step it up.
Tell him unambiguously that the chores are his, and not his opportunity to do better with them. They're his to do, period.

If I were you, I'd take a teleworking-momcation on the beach for a few weeks. Your 9 month old can be safely weaned. Let your husband deal with all of it. There is nothing you've learned that he cannot learn about bottle feeding. His medical appointments will have to wait a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Dh here. Your DH is the problem. He needs to either handle everything at home, or he needs to start bringing in income.

In the mean time, stop nursing. It's been nine months. Whatever benefits that were there, those are gone now. End it.

Hire some help. It's OK. You're not at risk for COVID. Certainly your children are not.

[Anonymous]

I would get the housekeeper back. You, dh and kids stay out of the area she/he is cleaning. Whomever communicates with her/him, both of you mask.

He needs to get a job. I'd put them both in full time daycare, maybe an in home, and he can do pickup and dropoff until he gets work.

[Anonymous]

YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO STEP UP.

You don't have a Covid problem, you have a husband problem.

What on earth did you think families did pre-Covid? Do you think they all outsourced this stuff? No, most don't have the money. Usually it's the mother who stays home and deals with the house and kids, but sometimes it's the father. In the 1990s in France, I knew a stay-at-home father of 7 who took care of the house and kids because his wife was a member of the European Parliament and was away from home most of the year. The youngest was an infant when I met him. If his "injuries" were "acting up", the kids still had to be fed and the house tidied up, because his wife wasn't even THERE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Pre-pandemic I was billing 1700 or so, so it is a lot for me! And it sure feels like a lot on top of everything else. I mean, that doesn't count non-billables, so I'm working 60+ hours a week on top of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is the main issue here. He needs to step up. You say he sucks at chores and is too busy taking care of the kids but it sounds like w older kid in preschool and you taking on a lot of the childcare, your husband really isn’t actually too busy w the kids to get chores done. Household chores—dishes, laundry, cleaning, even cooking—are not beyond the scope of any able bodied adult. If he is not keeping up w them, he’s simply being lazy. Either he steps up w chores and childcare or he gets a job and your kids go to daycare/get a nanny and have your housekeeper come back.