Cannot do COVID anymore

[Anonymous]

Outsource, outsource, outsource. Kids largely have been unaffected by COVID. Talk to some moms with kids in daycares so that you feel a bit less anxious. I encourage you to take that plunge. Daycare isn't a crutch, it's not "selling out." It's survival for working moms.

My job is way less demanding than yours, and I still feel I needed daycare to help me get by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Pre-pandemic I was billing 1700 or so, so it is a lot for me! And it sure feels like a lot on top of everything else. I mean, that doesn't count non-billables, so I'm working 60+ hours a week on top of childcare.

OP, don't feed that troll. I don't work in law and I got the gist of what you were saying. And you are doing a lot.

I agree with PPs that a lot of this would feel insanely hard even without COVID. You are not getting enough sleep. You are producing food for your baby. You are doing everything.

My DH is a generally great guy, but he will not jump in and say "let me take care of XYZ!" When our first kid was a baby, I made a list of everything I was doing--and I mean, everything, even if it was something that took me 30 seconds like paying a bill online. I showed this to my DH and told him to pick half of the stuff. This has not held--our kids are much older now and the needs are different--but he still makes dinners on weekends, does all of our laundry, handles yardwork, and does some other kid-related stuff. It's not half of what I was doing, and that's why we have had a nanny when our kids were little and more recently have hired house cleaners.

The risk of having a nanny coming in and out of your home every day isn't zero, but if you can find someone you trust, it is reasonably low IMO. However, it is also okay, as PPs have said, to share with your husband what he needs to do. He should be taking the baby out for long walks, handling nap time, etc etc. If he can't do it, outsource it.

Also, our house cleaners came back in June. It really is okay and I think you need all the help you can get. They stay out of the office; kids leave the house and hang out in the yard while they work. There was a piece in the Post a couple months back where they asked all the "experts" (Fauci, etc) and I will tell you that every single one of them had their house cleaners coming in at least every 2 weeks.

Especially because you don't work in law, you shouldn't be so quick to call troll when you don't really know what you are talking about. And that's not what a troll means, regardless.

1,700 billable hours a year is considered pretty light at a lot of firms, light enough that you wouldn't be in good standing at some. 2,100 is hardly notable at plenty of firm, and of course people factor in that you also have to do non-billable work. That's not to say that OP isn't busy and doing a lot, both at work and on the home front. But still, if she is at a decent size firm, it isn't a noteworthy amount.

And, lest you think the question is just mean, it makes a difference in terms of what I would advise. If she is at a firm where 1,700 is normal and 2,100 is considered a lot, then she has more ability to try to dial it back at work some. But, if she is at a true Biglaw firm where 1,700 is borderline unacceptable and 2,100 is pretty normal, it would be a lot harder for her to go to the firm to try to get a little bit of relief.

Full-time employment is 2080 hours a year. If op is billing out 2100, that means she's billing over a full-time week, plus she has more hours of non-billable time that she works. The question was "Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?". The answer is pretty much anywhere, except for perhaps the masochistic people in biglaw who think 60 hours a week is a light load.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely wean. Prioritize sleep certain nights of the week. Sleep train if you haven’t already.

Take a postpartum depression screen. Your situation sucks right now, and that can trigger PPD. A low dose of Zoloft may help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So weird. Many tired SAHM have been advised that after DHis done working he has to pitch in, just like you do.

And doctorappts is hardly him going to get golf. Take sick leave on those days to care for your kids.

I'm not saying his doctor's appointments are golf - but I don't get to just take "sick leave." Every 2 hours I take "off" to watch the kids just means two hours of sleep I lose later making up those billable hours after literally everyone else in my house is asleep. He needs to go to the doctor, but I can't keep this up either.

Op, you guys need help. Even if you reversed genders, and the dh in the family was working biglaw hours and there was a SAHM who had health issues that required regular doctor visits, we'd be telling the SAHM to get a sitter to cover those appointments. No one would tell the dh that he needed to skip sleeping time to watch the baby while his wife went to the doctor. I know it's a pandemic, but many people are using childcare without issue. Unless you guys are immuno-compromised and have extra concerns, it's very reasonable to use daycare or a nanny/sitter to get some help with this. You can't keep your law job and care for the baby at the same time. You're going to burn yourself out. Get a cleaning service and a sitter.

[Anonymous]

1. Wean
2. Outsource

Everyone is offering store pickup now. There’s no reason he needs to enter the grocery store or Target. He can pack both kids up in the car and drive to the grocery store to let someone else load the groceries and come home. You’re both making this harder than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Pre-pandemic I was billing 1700 or so, so it is a lot for me! And it sure feels like a lot on top of everything else. I mean, that doesn't count non-billables, so I'm working 60+ hours a week on top of childcare.

OP, don't feed that troll. I don't work in law and I got the gist of what you were saying. And you are doing a lot.

I agree with PPs that a lot of this would feel insanely hard even without COVID. You are not getting enough sleep. You are producing food for your baby. You are doing everything.

My DH is a generally great guy, but he will not jump in and say "let me take care of XYZ!" When our first kid was a baby, I made a list of everything I was doing--and I mean, everything, even if it was something that took me 30 seconds like paying a bill online. I showed this to my DH and told him to pick half of the stuff. This has not held--our kids are much older now and the needs are different--but he still makes dinners on weekends, does all of our laundry, handles yardwork, and does some other kid-related stuff. It's not half of what I was doing, and that's why we have had a nanny when our kids were little and more recently have hired house cleaners.

The risk of having a nanny coming in and out of your home every day isn't zero, but if you can find someone you trust, it is reasonably low IMO. However, it is also okay, as PPs have said, to share with your husband what he needs to do. He should be taking the baby out for long walks, handling nap time, etc etc. If he can't do it, outsource it.

Also, our house cleaners came back in June. It really is okay and I think you need all the help you can get. They stay out of the office; kids leave the house and hang out in the yard while they work. There was a piece in the Post a couple months back where they asked all the "experts" (Fauci, etc) and I will tell you that every single one of them had their house cleaners coming in at least every 2 weeks.

Especially because you don't work in law, you shouldn't be so quick to call troll when you don't really know what you are talking about. And that's not what a troll means, regardless.

1,700 billable hours a year is considered pretty light at a lot of firms, light enough that you wouldn't be in good standing at some. 2,100 is hardly notable at plenty of firm, and of course people factor in that you also have to do non-billable work. That's not to say that OP isn't busy and doing a lot, both at work and on the home front. But still, if she is at a decent size firm, it isn't a noteworthy amount.

And, lest you think the question is just mean, it makes a difference in terms of what I would advise. If she is at a firm where 1,700 is normal and 2,100 is considered a lot, then she has more ability to try to dial it back at work some. But, if she is at a true Biglaw firm where 1,700 is borderline unacceptable and 2,100 is pretty normal, it would be a lot harder for her to go to the firm to try to get a little bit of relief.

Full-time employment is 2080 hours a year. If op is billing out 2100, that means she's billing over a full-time week, plus she has more hours of non-billable time that she works. The question was "Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?". The answer is pretty much anywhere, except for perhaps the masochistic people in biglaw who think 60 hours a week is a light load.

2080 hours a year is full-time if you are working 40 hours per week. This is apparently news to you, but at most firms you will not work 40 hours per week. It is not a matter of masochistic people -- it is a question of (arguably) masochistic firms. If OP is in Biglaw, or even potentially mid-law, her current hours are nothing noteworthy and she likely wouldn't get much sympathy if she went to the firm and asked for some relief. If she is at a firm with lower expectations where 2,100 is considered working all the time, then she would have greater ability to try to scale back some without damaging her employment at the firm.

You are simply wrong that "pretty much anywhere" in law considers 2,100 working "all the time."

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been screened for postpartum depression? You clearly have a ton on your plate without much help, but PPD can make anything seem overwhelming. And it doesn't just happen directly after birth, either. The "crying quietly, all the time" suggests that hormones and/or PPD might be making your crappy situation far harder to handle than it might otherwise be. Or it might just be sheer exhaustion, but you'd need a professional to help you discern the difference.

I would think the first step would to switch to formula, so your husband can take on some of that task. At 9 months, your baby has had a good, solid block of all the benefits that breastfeeding can give. Now he needs a mom who is healthy and happy, and sleep is a good first step toward that.

Hopefully weaning would help your hormones level out, give your body a break, and let you build up a bit more physical and emotional strength. But if it doesn't, then a full physical with PPD screening would be the next step.

It sounds like there are lifestyle changes (grocery delivery, DH stepping up in certain areas, outsourcing housekeeping/child care) that could really help, but you're too flat-out exhausted to make any decisions right now. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Why did your husband quit his job? Especially before the baby was born?

Was he supposed to be the stay at home parent?

[Anonymous]

Sympathy for you and your family, op.

I wish I lived closer to you and could take care of your kids and your house. I have been quarantining this whole time and a. COVID negative.

I think you need to get the nanny and the housekeeper back. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Three things:

1. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

2. DH needs to step up and do more. If he’s not working, he needs to be doing everything he can, taking his injury into account.

3. Your older one needs to be in school as much as possible. Why is it only every other week?

[Anonymous]

When you say he’s no good at chores, what does that mean? That he doesn’t do them, or he doesn’t do them to your standard? Think like a man - the house is your spouse’s domain and let them take care of it.

[Anonymous]

Are his doctors appointments physical therapy? That seems to make sense re: frequency and the inability to take both kids to the store.

If so, perhaps you can throw money at that problem with delivery, or if you like to go to the store (I do) you go when he puts them to bed or on the weekend and take an extra hour before to get a coffee and sit outside or go on a walk or whatever.

If he's really physically incapable of childcare, you probably need a solution, and I think a nanny is best for that because it takes care of BOTH children, and despite your discomfort with it, it IS objectively safer to expose your family to one additional person and their contacts as opposed to all the preschool children + workers and their contacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Ok, way to NOT be supportive. NP here, and a few things jump out here:

1. You have two children under 5 - and one that isn't verbal. For me, as a lawyer, these were the hardest times to parent. Cut yourself and your husband some slack and know that it will get better (really, it will - there is absolutely truth to the adage that the days are long and the years are short).
2. It sounds like you have no outside help either from family or from a nanny or daycare. Figure out how you can get outside help. It does not matter that your husband is not working right now - he should be spending his time networking and making connections to get the next job. Just like you likely did not sign up to be a SAHM, he did not sign up to be a SAHD - respect that if you have the financial ability to do so. If you can swing it, hire at least part-time assistance. Kids that age appear to be susceptible to serious outcomes from the virus - and the alternative of a depressed/anxious/angry mother and fighting parents doesn't sound ideal.
3. Get a housecleaning service - they can come 2x a month, and the family unit can leave while your house is cleaned - win/win - no cross-contamination and your house is cleaned.
4. You sound like you are trying to do everything at 100% - you can't. It's a myth. Anyone that looks like they are is just a mirage. Pick something, and let the other slide. Because you are a lawyer and talking about 2100 hours billable, I am going to assume you are at a big firm where anything less than 100% from a female associate can seem like a death knell to advancement. It may be. Spend some quiet time and really think through your career path - do you want to make partner? Do you want to go in-house? Fed? If so, figure out what you need to do - either put in the 110% to go partner track (with no guarantee that you'll make it - especially since the worker bees aren't generally the ones that make it) or start networking to figure out how to jump off the hamster wheel or bring the rain. In the meantime - get help on the homefront. Your children will be fine with out-of-home care, but they won't be fine if you keep on this road of doubt, depression, anxiety, and anger.

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed, and I can see why! This is probably a bigger risk for your baby's longterm development than getting a nanny or other help and the whole family potentially getting covid. Your mental health counts too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Pre-pandemic I was billing 1700 or so, so it is a lot for me! And it sure feels like a lot on top of everything else. I mean, that doesn't count non-billables, so I'm working 60+ hours a week on top of childcare.

OP, don't feed that troll. I don't work in law and I got the gist of what you were saying. And you are doing a lot.

I agree with PPs that a lot of this would feel insanely hard even without COVID. You are not getting enough sleep. You are producing food for your baby. You are doing everything.

My DH is a generally great guy, but he will not jump in and say "let me take care of XYZ!" When our first kid was a baby, I made a list of everything I was doing--and I mean, everything, even if it was something that took me 30 seconds like paying a bill online. I showed this to my DH and told him to pick half of the stuff. This has not held--our kids are much older now and the needs are different--but he still makes dinners on weekends, does all of our laundry, handles yardwork, and does some other kid-related stuff. It's not half of what I was doing, and that's why we have had a nanny when our kids were little and more recently have hired house cleaners.

The risk of having a nanny coming in and out of your home every day isn't zero, but if you can find someone you trust, it is reasonably low IMO. However, it is also okay, as PPs have said, to share with your husband what he needs to do. He should be taking the baby out for long walks, handling nap time, etc etc. If he can't do it, outsource it.

Also, our house cleaners came back in June. It really is okay and I think you need all the help you can get. They stay out of the office; kids leave the house and hang out in the yard while they work. There was a piece in the Post a couple months back where they asked all the "experts" (Fauci, etc) and I will tell you that every single one of them had their house cleaners coming in at least every 2 weeks.

Especially because you don't work in law, you shouldn't be so quick to call troll when you don't really know what you are talking about. And that's not what a troll means, regardless.

1,700 billable hours a year is considered pretty light at a lot of firms, light enough that you wouldn't be in good standing at some. 2,100 is hardly notable at plenty of firm, and of course people factor in that you also have to do non-billable work. That's not to say that OP isn't busy and doing a lot, both at work and on the home front. But still, if she is at a decent size firm, it isn't a noteworthy amount.

And, lest you think the question is just mean, it makes a difference in terms of what I would advise. If she is at a firm where 1,700 is normal and 2,100 is considered a lot, then she has more ability to try to dial it back at work some. But, if she is at a true Biglaw firm where 1,700 is borderline unacceptable and 2,100 is pretty normal, it would be a lot harder for her to go to the firm to try to get a little bit of relief.

Full-time employment is 2080 hours a year. If op is billing out 2100, that means she's billing over a full-time week, plus she has more hours of non-billable time that she works. The question was "Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?". The answer is pretty much anywhere, except for perhaps the masochistic people in biglaw who think 60 hours a week is a light load.

You don't get how law firm billing works, jackass. Many hours are not billable. OP probably works 2600 hours a year in order to bill 2100. She doesn't bill every minute she's at work, unless she is a litigator with literally 1 client.