Who looks after the childless elderly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read many of the responses yet but I have NO idea how on earth my 87 yr old mother would be coping at all if it were not for me (only daughter)!! Especially with this pandemic!
I am crucial in practically all of areas of her life right now - social, getting groceries/cooking (more so now due to pandemic), emails, paying bills/organizing bills, organizing a social group (this was pre-covid 19, now there is nothing and she is not fully understanding why), doctor, dentist (pre-covid), getting her assistance with a minor injury that she just ignored and would have got so much worse etc. etc.
Explaining the pandemic situation almost daily and why she can't do this and that........
Note that she travelled BY HERSELF internationally up until last year and is in good shape (memory getting worse recently) so she does not need "nursing care" and YET she would be lost without me. I am the only person who is involved, nobody comes by, nobody calls. However, there really is nobody to check on her, we have a small family and her friends live abroad or have since passed away.

There are services you can hire to do this.

There are no guarantees even with adult children. If I had a dollar for every story I heard of adult children taking advantage or being estrangement and not involved I would be wealthy. Those stories also include mom suddenly having a boyfriend who takes advantage and marries her and the adult kids are powerless.

Well, funny you should say that as I had just started hiring someone, a companion/carer right before this pandemic, to transport her to and from a social group I found (I work full-time and was at the office all day then - precovid) and a few other things such transport to any appointments if needed and visiting places), it was just several hours a week and my mother enjoyed the company. Now that has all gone away, there is no senior social group meeting up and the carer is not working. So as I said, I am the ONLY source of companionship - along with, to a more limited extent, my husband and our teenagers and pets! There is no-one else.
However, most importantly to note was that I hired the lady - not my mother - she is/was oblivious to any sort of help like this - as well as the existence of social groups for the elderly. NO IDEA and would not have ever hired anyone nor gone to any social groups that she had no knowledge of.
She was literally asking me why is this lady coming over and then after a few weeks talked of what a nice time she had.

[Anonymous]

I ended up doing a lot of caretaking for an elderly neighbor who didn't have any support from family. It was a nightmare. It's impossible to assist people unless you are their healthcare agent and have durable power of attorney especially if you are unrelated. She finally had a very bad fall and went to a nursing home. She lived there for a long time though.

[Anonymous]

We tried to support an out of town terminally ill sibling who was childless and single. It was hard for everyone and insufficient. It would have been better if he had a wife or partner to advocate for him daily. I noticed there were a lot of people dying by themselves in the hospital.

Money cannot buy family.

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm saving money for my childless younger sister. It will go in a trust that my children can use to cover the costs of visiting her (travel, mainly) and also some of the care she may need when her money runs out. I'll probably be dead by then so I can only hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

I know a family with 6 adult kids at war over caring for aging parents. The more prolonged the illness sometimes the more likely things dissolve into war of people guilt tripping eachother and manipulating to get out of any responsibility. I know of several estrangements that occurred over eldercare. It's complicated and there are no easy answers. Kids are not an insurance policy. After going through the trauma of it all myself with a parent who declined over many many years and all the emergencies, I want to do what I can to protect my own kids from that stress while they deal with their own children and taking care of their health. The first few years were manageable, but after that it really took a toll on my health. I hope we have a system like some other countries where I have the power to chose how it ends. I would like a peaceful goodbye with my loved ones making sure they know my wishes are no guilt, just love and good memories. I would rather my money go toward their emergencies-job loss, hospital bills and toward their vacations and retirement rather than paying someone to wipe my tush and change my tubes. I want my end of life ceremony to be a celebration, not a bunch of people blaming eachother for not doing enough or people feeling burned out from all they did.

[Anonymous]

I will do assisted suicide in the Netherlands before it becomes too late. I don’t want to get old and not be able to take care of myself. When the times comes, I will die on my own terms peacefully. I’m saving to make sure I can make this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will do assisted suicide in the Netherlands before it becomes too late. I don’t want to get old and not be able to take care of myself. When the times comes, I will die on my own terms peacefully. I’m saving to make sure I can make this happen.

Assume you are a Dutch citizen otherwise you are out of luck. And for the record, there is a considerable process to go through in the NL in order to do suicide - to include whether your conditions meet the criteria or not, and a mandated .

People who think ending it all is an easy solution better think again. I know a person in the NL who chose suicide, due to incredible pain from terminal cancer, and it still wasn't an easy decision nor a quick process.

[Anonymous]

I think times are a little different now. People are growing up with computers and will have used them their whole life - it won't be some new technology they don't know how to use. Especially if you are proactive keeping up with changes throughout your life which we all do now anyway.

There will be driver-less cars by then. There's uber to get you to appointments if driving is no longer an option.

I plan on moving into a retirement village when things get difficult where they have services to help. A lot of things mentioned here are taken care of. They even have a bus to take people to the shops/doctors etc.

We already have a will and are saving for retirement and beyond. I take care of my health now so that it won't impact health so much later on hopefully. It is what it is.

I have seen some families help each other a lot and other families left alone either because of some sad story or their children are living overseas. All those people in nursing homes are not childless. Most have children.

When my FIL was in hospital and needed to pay to activate the TV they had someone come around every day to check if they needed help but no FIL would wait for my DH to do it for him. There is help available it's just that some people are selfish and throw demands on their kids not even caring about the impact on their child. There is way more help out than people acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will do assisted suicide in the Netherlands before it becomes too late. I don’t want to get old and not be able to take care of myself. When the times comes, I will die on my own terms peacefully. I’m saving to make sure I can make this happen.

Assume you are a Dutch citizen otherwise you are out of luck. And for the record, there is a considerable process to go through in the NL in order to do suicide - to include whether your conditions meet the criteria or not, and a mandated .

People who think ending it all is an easy solution better think again. I know a person in the NL who chose suicide, due to incredible pain from terminal cancer, and it still wasn't an easy decision nor a quick process.

Or there is Switzerland. I am thinking in another couple of decades most countries will have something in place for these types of situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens to most childless people when they get too old to really take care of themselves? For the last 10-15 years of my grandmother’s life after she was widowed, my mother and her siblings watched out for her. My grandmother still lived alone, but her kids handled her finances, made sure she was regularly seeing the doctor, had the neighbors check in with her, got her set up with delivery services. My Aunt would even call her every morning to make sure she took her medicine. My father did many of the same things for his mother. There was a time she was obviously going to get scammed out of some money and he was able to step in and prevent it from happening. He helped her make many decisions such as satellite vs cable, how to use a cell phone, what plan she should use. Once my grandma was in her 80’s she really wasn’t at a point where she could make the decisions on her own. When it was time for her to move into a nursing home, he researched facilities very carefully, and even though he doesn’t live nearby he calls frequently and does his best to make sure she is getting decent care. What happens to childless adults when they are no longer mentally sharp? I guess so,e of them have nieces and nephews who might take care of them, but it doesn’t seem that too many nieces and nephews really rise to this level of caregiving especially in this age where families are often spread out and a lot of people never even get to know their Aunts and Uncles very well.

People can research facilities themselves when they are able and organise it beforehand. Really if a family member needs to be reminded to take medication every morning they shouldn't be left alone. That's when they could turn the gas on get distracted and forget. Even if I had kids I would not want my life to turn out that way. It's about being organised.

My grandmother lived to 92 years of age in her own home and didn't need much assistance. She had someone come and mow the lawn, other people seem to forget how to pay bills at 70. All anyone can do is plan and hope for the best.

There is another thread where people are talking about their family members in nursing homes. So just because you have kids doesn't mean you won't end up there. Yes you may be more vulnerable but if you have organised someone to take care of your finances then you're set. And yes they could take money but if there's no money to pay the retirement home/nursing home enquiries will be made.

The elderly I know without kids have a wide support network they have built up over their life. It's not always the case but it's not always the case that people have children grow up and take care of them either.

[Anonymous]

I’m 49, no kids. My mom died in April and it brought home to me that I will be alone in old age. My DH is 6 years older than me and we have always assumed he will go first.
He said to me the other day, “who is going to take care of you?” I honestly don’t know.
I’m buying excellent long term care insurance and I will probably do assisted suicide if it comes down to that.

[Anonymous]

Childless couple here (early 40s). We'll sell our house when we're older to pay for retirement home.

I have a goddaughter, she's 5. Maybe she'll be there for us, maybe not. I don't want to be a burden for her but would appreciate any help she can bring if she wishes.

[Anonymous]

For those who are not competent to handle their own affairs and have no relatives to step in and help, if a neighbor or friend contacts the state’s public guardian, that office can obtain a guardianship and determine the level of assistance the person needs and will keep an eye on them and make changes as necessary. In my state, at least, this service is only for those who cannot afford a private guardian. There are reputable private guardians, you just have to know what to look for. But all of this depends on there being someone out there who will take the first step to get a public or private guardian involved.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother would be dead if it wasn’t for my mom. My mom has had to stop doctors from giving her medication that it says in her medical record she’s allergic to.

The reality is that if you do not have a child who is willing and able to advocate for you, you are much more likely to die unnecessarily (assuming you are unable to advocate for yourself).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother would be dead if it wasn’t for my mom. My mom has had to stop doctors from giving her medication that it says in her medical record she’s allergic to.

The reality is that if you do not have a child who is willing and able to advocate for you, you are much more likely to die unnecessarily (assuming you are unable to advocate for yourself).

My FIL would also be dead however he is aware his doctor is incompetent and refuses to find a good one. That's the thing as a childless person you get better at picking the right services.

As with my FIL he still goes to bad doctors he just expects his son to fix any issues. As it is he is in a worse position as his son works and can't be there. If I am at the age I don't know what medication I'm taking I'll be happy I had a good life. At that stage I don't think there's a ton of quality to life. I'm not going to squabble over 5 extra years if those years are me a doddering mess.