Who looks after the childless elderly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nieces and nephews

I have two childless aunts I will most likely end up caring for

Aren’t nieces and nephews usually caring for their own parents? And what if they don’t live near you, or never lived near you and were never very close to you to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but just b/c you have kids doesn't mean they will take care of you...ask people in ASL and SNF many of them have children.

Yeah, but it seems as if a lot of childless people are counting on nieces and nephews, which doesn’t seem too realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but just b/c you have kids doesn't mean they will take care of you...ask people in ASL and SNF many of them have children.

Yeah, but it seems as if a lot of childless people are counting on nieces and nephews, which doesn’t seem too realistic.

No, a lot of childless people are not counting on nieces and nephews. Where are you getting your assumptions from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but just b/c you have kids doesn't mean they will take care of you...ask people in ASL and SNF many of them have children.

Exactly. Not only that, it is kinda selfish to have children so they can take care of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:they get long-term care and pay people.

But there is often a gap between when that happens and their ability to make decisions about it. Many seniors aren’t at the point where they need long term care, but still aren’t thinking too clearly. Also a lot of elderly people are very stubborn. My grandmother had to essentially be forced into a nursing home by my dad even though there was no way she could take care of herself at home.

And? What’s it to you if I die alone in my condo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You save and make a plan to hire help and a skilled facility if/when needed. EVERYONE should do this. It is your own responsibility even if you have children. Your children may want to care for you and move you in with them, but they aren’t obligated.

I guess it just seems like there’s so many other issues that older people need help with even before they are at the point where they need long term care. It’s not like you go from being healthy and having your full mental facilities to not being able to live independently. I’ve seen my parents provide help with their own parent for quite a few years when technically speaking they could make decisions for themselves, but in reality they just weren’t that sharp anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They become homeless.

Do they? My guess is they end up dying sooner than they otherwise would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save and make a plan to hire help and a skilled facility if/when needed. EVERYONE should do this. It is your own responsibility even if you have children. Your children may want to care for you and move you in with them, but they aren’t obligated.

I guess it just seems like there’s so many other issues that older people need help with even before they are at the point where they need long term care. It’s not like you go from being healthy and having your full mental facilities to not being able to live independently. I’ve seen my parents provide help with their own parent for quite a few years when technically speaking they could make decisions for themselves, but in reality they just weren’t that sharp anymore.

You seem to be projecting your fears on the childless / childfree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They become homeless.

Do they? My guess is they end up dying sooner than they otherwise would.

Yeah, not being forced out of one’s home, subject to their kids’ rules and lives. Much better to die in my own bed listening to my own music while drinking my favorite glass of wine and eating anything I damn well please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My childless aunt is in her 80s and does just fine on her own. She's a snowbird who still travels by car from her home on the East coast to FL every fall and then back home in April. She usually travels with her friend who is also a widower.

She even left early FL before COVID-19 got terrible down there, slept in her car to avoid a hotel, and made the trip in 2 days instead of the normal 3 days of spaced out leisure travel.

She's still mentally very sharp and pretty healthy for being in her 80s. My family and I visit her a few times each year but she has zero interest in leaving her home and living with us or any other family members.

In FL, she lives in a gated community for 65+ people. They are one level SF homes, not like a residential unit situation. There's an urgent care within the gated community that's open until midnight, I think (can't remember). There's also a cafe there that's only for residents and a large community center that hosts different events each day. Everyone just drives their golf carts around the neighborhood and they can take the community bus out to grocery stores and other stores. They also do big greyhound type bus trips for residents to other places like Disney, Atlanta, Miami, New Orleans, etc.

When she's in PA, she also lives in a gated community that's for 55+. Her place there is an attached condo. Again, all one level but very spacious. Many of the same amenities but no urgent care onsite. They do have their own church onsite, though.

Ok, your Aunt is unusually vibrant for someone in her 80’s but what happens when she isn’t? Most people would prefer to have someone who truly cares for their well being to make sure that they aren’t getting scammed, getting proper medical attention, etc. otherwise they just have to hope that the workers at the facility that they picked out will give them the same sort of concern that a loving relative would.

[Anonymous]

I’m witnessing this with my grandfather right now. His kids (my parents included) moves him out of his lifelong home to the other side of the earth (yeah, not country, but earth).

He is not allowed to drive, can’t eat at his favorite restaurants, can’t socialize with local friends, and now my mother is putting limits on where and how long he is allowed to walk everyday because she is worried about him fainting, meaning he is not allowed to take a long stroll through the neighborhood and only allowed to walk up and down the driveway for max 30 minutes a day. He normally likes to walk 2-3 hours/day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nieces, nephews and godchildren.

However let me remind you that the vast majority of lonely and forgotten old people are not childless. Visit any nursing home if you need proof.

Yes many people who have children are in nursing homes but that doesn’t mean they are forgotten. Often the children are still keeping tabs on their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this with my childless aunt now, and it is really tough even if you have family that cares about you. I would recommend moving into a continuum of care community when you are still definitely at the independent living stage so that there are supports around you if/when you start to falter mentally or physically. Hopefully then you will have relationships with people who know you and can see that it is time for you to move to assisted living or skilled nursing, and the pathway to the higher level of care is already in place.

Also, all of you saying "I'm just going to kill myself," are sticking your heads in the sand. It's not a plan, and if you decline to the point where you think that would be necessary, you will have gone past the point where it is possible. My aunt has said that she's going to kill herself when it gets really bad, and putting aside that it breaks my heart, the truth is that she doesn't have the mental capacity to do it at this point. Cognitive decline includes a decline in executive function, and it is very difficult for someone with compromised executive function to decide anything, let alone something of such importance, and then plan it and execute the plan. Saying you're not going to plan for being incapacitated in old age because you'll kill yourself when the time comes is like saying you are not going to save for retirement because you plan to work until the day you die. It's just a way of putting off facing some difficult realities.

g

Well, all the people who are talking about saving scads of money to pay for services isn't realistic either. Not everyone without family is rich. And continuing care costs more than many of us make -- let alone what we can save at best. So it may be putting off so e difficult realities -- but not all of us have the wherewithal to save for decent solutions. So we're screwed.

No kidding, my grandmother’s very modest facility costs $7000 a month.

[Anonymous]

My great aunt had a son. He died of cancer. Then her grandson was killed. Having children is no guarantee you won’t be fending for yourself in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but just b/c you have kids doesn't mean they will take care of you...ask people in ASL and SNF many of them have children.

Yeah, but it seems as if a lot of childless people are counting on nieces and nephews, which doesn’t seem too realistic.

No, a lot of childless people are not counting on nieces and nephews. Where are you getting your assumptions from?

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