Who looks after the childless elderly?

[Anonymous]

I'm childless in my mid 60's, no brothers or sisters, no niece's or nephews, my last cousin committed suicide last year. Thankfully I have more than enough money for any long term care. I keep around 500K in CDs in case of a market crash to pay caretakers. Have advanced directives and a bank trust dept is my trustee, so I'm not worried about people ripping me off if I get senile. They have specific instructions drawn up by an estate attorney.

[Anonymous]

He didn't want any outside help from anyone, even as a younger person

For the mentally ill, or just plain stubborn, pain in the @ss people, it doesn't end well. Other reasonable people make plans. And there's Medicaid. Besides hospitals, care facilities are filled with social workers. You have to have some basic trust in the humanity of fellow human beings. People work to find a solution, even if it isn't family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He didn't want any outside help from anyone, even as a younger person

For the mentally ill, or just plain stubborn, pain in the @ss people, it doesn't end well. Other reasonable people make plans. And there's Medicaid. Besides hospitals, care facilities are filled with social workers. You have to have some basic trust in the humanity of fellow human beings. People work to find a solution, even if it isn't family.

This sums it up. I do know of relatives who had hired people and set up their finances. Sure people visited, but it wasn't our job to manage care. One in particular lived a long and happy life. The sad thing with what PP calls the stubborn pain in a@#!@) people is when they do have kids, whoever takes it on ends up getting quite ill. It is very hard to set boundaries and limits, but it is crucial and highly difficult people will eat their own young to survive. In some of those cases they have kids and slowly for their own survival they drop out. It turns into a matter of whether they do in their kids or their kids just refuse to take another tirade.

[Anonymous]

I don’t actually think most of these happy ending, people cope or have money saved situations are representative of what replay happens.

If you don’t have family who can care for you when you are elderly, you will either continue to live alone And make poor decisions or you will eventually get reported by someone and go into a nursing home paid for by Medicaid.

I have a sibling who has a disability (intellectual and physical) who lives with my parents and will eventually live with me. We have talked about putting her in a nursing home/ assisted living facility and my parents won’t because the level of care is poor in the ones that accept Medicaid and my parents don’t have the funds to pay for a nice one in the DC area. Even in the nice ones, the problem with placing someone with a cognition issue is that they don’t have the ability to report abuse to you, so you are still blindly trusting the facility. I have young kids and we would never blindly trust a preschool or daycare or nanny with their care for hours or days, so it’s very hard to feel good about it for vulnerable adults.

FWIW, my sibling has spent several months living at nursing homes when the sibling had a medical issue and couldn’t be cared for at home. My parents would visit her every day and I went 2X per week. There are lots of residents and very few visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my country, Canada, we can get medical aid in dying in early Alzheimer's so anybody who is proactive and wants to know they have it, can choose this. The problem is most people don't want to know and resist all testing. The doctor will monitor you and tell you when you're about to slip over into incompetence. It's called "ten minutes to midnight," so you go before the opportunity is lost. We've had people getting "put down" for arthritis, Parkinson's, and ALS, never mind cancer.

So the only thing that would prevent me from dying before someone had to wipe my a.s.s. would be a stroke that put me into a complete coma. They pretty much just pull the plug on you in that state here so I'm good to go. I'm leaving my lifetime of assets to a friend's daughters, who work in occupations that don't pay enough for what they do. I'm not handing it over to the "elder care industry."

This sounds very civilized. I hope the U.S. will have come around to a similar arrangement when I am older. There are going to be so many elderly, I wonder if we'll just have Dignitas kiosks at the mall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my country, Canada, we can get medical aid in dying in early Alzheimer's so anybody who is proactive and wants to know they have it, can choose this. The problem is most people don't want to know and resist all testing. The doctor will monitor you and tell you when you're about to slip over into incompetence. It's called "ten minutes to midnight," so you go before the opportunity is lost. We've had people getting "put down" for arthritis, Parkinson's, and ALS, never mind cancer.

So the only thing that would prevent me from dying before someone had to wipe my a.s.s. would be a stroke that put me into a complete coma. They pretty much just pull the plug on you in that state here so I'm good to go. I'm leaving my lifetime of assets to a friend's daughters, who work in occupations that don't pay enough for what they do. I'm not handing it over to the "elder care industry."

This sounds so civilized! So humane! I hope the US - or at least my state - can get to this point along with healthcare for all before I’m seriously in need of it. This country has such screwed up priorities when it comes to what should be healthcare issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure most of the respondents so far are smug parents. How about we hear from the ‘child free’ folks on what their plan is when they become elderly?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read many of the responses yet but I have NO idea how on earth my 87 yr old mother would be coping at all if it were not for me (only daughter)!! Especially with this pandemic!
I am crucial in practically all of areas of her life right now - social, getting groceries/cooking (more so now due to pandemic), emails, paying bills/organizing bills, organizing a social group (this was pre-covid 19, now there is nothing and she is not fully understanding why), doctor, dentist (pre-covid), getting her assistance with a minor injury that she just ignored and would have got so much worse etc. etc.
Explaining the pandemic situation almost daily and why she can't do this and that........
Note that she travelled BY HERSELF internationally up until last year and is in good shape (memory getting worse recently) so she does not need "nursing care" and YET she would be lost without me. I am the only person who is involved, nobody comes by, nobody calls. However, there really is nobody to check on her, we have a small family and her friends live abroad or have since passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:they get long-term care and pay people.

That doesn't work well. Everyone needs an ICE advocate to watch the elders matters. Being solo and old and wealthy is a recipe for abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm childless in my mid 60's, no brothers or sisters, no niece's or nephews, my last cousin committed suicide last year. Thankfully I have more than enough money for any long term care. I keep around 500K in CDs in case of a market crash to pay caretakers. Have advanced directives and a bank trust dept is my trustee, so I'm not worried about people ripping me off if I get senile. They have specific instructions drawn up by an estate attorney.

You should be more concerned about your care or lack of it instead of money. Who cares what happens to you or if you are in pain or lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:they get long-term care and pay people.

That doesn't work well. Everyone needs an ICE advocate to watch the elders matters. Being solo and old and wealthy is a recipe for abuse.

I have an elderly mom worth a small fortune. She is slowly but surely throwing away all her money and there is nothing we can do because she is considered of sound mind. She passes the neuro screens and there is absolutely nothing we can do. Sketchy relatives are now her best friend and getting handouts. She gave a large handout to the hairdresser. She would like to control every move my brother and I make since we live closest. Every time we set boundaries with her, she throws more of her money out and lets us know. We have a sister who has not lifted a finger and got a massive amount of money from mom. We would like to keep a relationship and do what we can, but my brother, a lawyer has looked into it and we just have let the vultures do their thing for now. I almost wonder if she could have a brain tumor or if she was this sadistic before and we missed it. She proudly tells us who she paid off. She isn't this frail little sweet sole hearing sob stories. It's like any time we say no she writes another check to someone random.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to you but just b/c you have kids doesn't mean they will take care of you...ask people in ASL and SNF many of them have children.

Exactly. Not only that, it is kinda selfish to have children so they can take care of you.

That's not why people have children(!) but most children absolutely do look out for their elderly parents in all areas as needed!! Invaluable help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to kill myself when I start going downhill. I don't want to live like that. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, and I'm 43 now. My stance has never wavered. Suicide or assisted suicide. I'm not going to have someone wiping my ass or doing my thinking for me.

I don’t plan on living much after my parents are gone. I don’t have children or a partner. I’m an only child. I will stay alive just for my parents so they are taken care of.

This is sad to hear PP and I hope you don't do that, thing may change for you!

However, this shows how much children make sure their parents are taken care of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read many of the responses yet but I have NO idea how on earth my 87 yr old mother would be coping at all if it were not for me (only daughter)!! Especially with this pandemic!
I am crucial in practically all of areas of her life right now - social, getting groceries/cooking (more so now due to pandemic), emails, paying bills/organizing bills, organizing a social group (this was pre-covid 19, now there is nothing and she is not fully understanding why), doctor, dentist (pre-covid), getting her assistance with a minor injury that she just ignored and would have got so much worse etc. etc.
Explaining the pandemic situation almost daily and why she can't do this and that........
Note that she travelled BY HERSELF internationally up until last year and is in good shape (memory getting worse recently) so she does not need "nursing care" and YET she would be lost without me. I am the only person who is involved, nobody comes by, nobody calls. However, there really is nobody to check on her, we have a small family and her friends live abroad or have since passed away.

There are services you can hire to do this.

There are no guarantees even with adult children. If I had a dollar for every story I heard of adult children taking advantage or being estrangement and not involved I would be wealthy. Those stories also include mom suddenly having a boyfriend who takes advantage and marries her and the adult kids are powerless.

[Anonymous]

So either way you cut it, there are no guarantees.