SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know you’re stressed... but this is coming across as SAHM doesn’t like doing the “mom” part.

I think I finally found my aspirational acronym. SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?

I am so envious. I try so hard to make DH understand this. It’s a lost cause. It’s not in his character. I wish I had known that, and the importance of this mindset, before marrying him. Thankfully, I’m doing my best to raise my kids with this mentality and I think I’m being effective. It’s hard when DH is such a responsibility-shirking barnacle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t wives respect that men are working when they telework?

Oh c’mon. Plenty of dual income families are staggering hours/taking leave/cramming work into fewer hours in order to care for young kids and balance two full time jobs (I know because we are doing it with 2 kids under 5). If OP’s husband is teleworking, he’s clearly not on the front lines saving lives. Hiding away for 9+ hours per day is an excuse to avoid the drudgery of day in day out caring for kids/house chores during a pandemic. I have SAHM friends who are happy their DH is home because it means they’re getting more help.

It’s amazing how some parents use having a SAH spouse to avoid hands on childcare while parents in dual income families are hands on with kids while working full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??

Software sales. Most of his day is conference calls.

Haven't read the other posts but absolutley your DH can give you more help. A 15 minute or half hour mental break a couple of times a day and help with dinner a few times a week. Something! My DH also remote works and some days he is stressed/swamped but usually he has a lot of flexibilty to help around the house/kids.

Why do you think he can just take a break now? I’m sure sales are incredibly hard right now, and if really has managed to schedule sequential conference calls he should be prepping for them not playing tag.

For sure. And as someone who has been both SAHM and WAHM I can tell you day has a million more breaks in it than when I had three neurotypical kids under 4.

As a sales person- your husband is either too of the top of the chain so actually busy- or he’s full of crap. There is NO ONE to sell new product to- no one is buying and very little is getting a giant green purchasing option right now unless he’s selling med or debt relief. Sales are hard because no ones buying, not because it’s such a crazy job when America is 80% shuttered and seeking relief from payments- not looking for ways to buy more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?

I think the key in your relationship functioning with contributions all around and appreciation with little strife is the income. I have noticed the angry and disfunctional relationships often have money woes underlying it all. Those that judge others for choosing another lifestyle also have day to day concerns about income. If I was concerned about finances I would also be up in arms at the audacity of a sahm. A family that functions best with a sahm would also be perplexed at the judgement for choosing what makes their lives easier. So many posters see these topics through the lens of their own lives and judge in that way. Op has still more concerns to juggle and those with less issues are piling on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH normally teleworks and travels 2x a month. He’s obviously not traveling now, but he’s starting much earlier in the day than he used to. They were also in the process of hiring someone to help him, and that’s now on hold. I’ve been trying to figure out why this feels harder than summer. We are over 4 weeks into our quarantine, and we’ve had 2 weeks of online learning. The online stuff is challenging to get done. My autistic son does not want to work at home. He is smart, but extremely strong willed. He’s also missing all of the therapies he receives at school (OT, PT, ST). In the summer, he only has 4 weeks off of school & camp, and those are broken up... and we’re going to extra private therapies during those breaks. While he’s at camp, I am out with the other boys doing normal warm weather things, plus the library, museums, playdates etc. I did not choose the SAHM life, and it’s tough financially, but I couldn’t keep my teaching job with therapies & specialist appointments. I love being around my boys, but all of this is stressful. My son has a team of people for a reason. Me replacing all of them on top of taking care of the others is just really hard. My husband is stressed as well, but any time I mention having some ‘me time’ to decompress, he says he doesn’t get any. We tag team bedtimes so each boy can get some one on one parent time. We’ve been muddling through the weekends, but I’ve been getting behind on housework, and then spend time trying to catch up. I don’t think DH is a bad father by any stretch, but I do feel like he could better manage his day to not work so many hours. He’s the only one in his office with young kids - the only other two dads have high school/college age kids and their wives still SAH.

So what does DH do?? Sounds like sales or customer facing??

Software sales. Most of his day is conference calls.

Haven't read the other posts but absolutley your DH can give you more help. A 15 minute or half hour mental break a couple of times a day and help with dinner a few times a week. Something! My DH also remote works and some days he is stressed/swamped but usually he has a lot of flexibilty to help around the house/kids.

Why do you think he can just take a break now? I’m sure sales are incredibly hard right now, and if really has managed to schedule sequential conference calls he should be prepping for them not playing tag.

For sure. And as someone who has been both SAHM and WAHM I can tell you day has a million more breaks in it than when I had three neurotypical kids under 4.

As a sales person- your husband is either too of the top of the chain so actually busy- or he’s full of crap. There is NO ONE to sell new product to- no one is buying and very little is getting a giant green purchasing option right now unless he’s selling med or debt relief. Sales are hard because no ones buying, not because it’s such a crazy job when America is 80% shuttered and seeking relief from payments- not looking for ways to buy more.

It depends. My DH is in software sales and pretty busy. He’s closed a few deals this month too.

[Anonymous]

For sure! But if those couple of sales a month take 8-6 and ultimately your family....well, it’s not working is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the logic of many women on this thread. If you work outside the house for a paycheck, or if you stay home to take care of the children or the running of the house - you are doing this for the benefit of your family. If you do any of these things for the benefit of YOU first, then there is some dissonance in your family. And if your spouse and you do not appreciate each others effort and help each other, then there is also a dissonance in your family.

I am a SAHM with teens. DH is working from home. I am making pretty fancy and imaginative lunches and dinners every single day. Mainly because I do not want my family to feel deprived that they are not eating out or they are lacking great choices. It is a small way to ease the sadness that this pandemic has brought on everyone, and also a way to stretch meals and prevent wastage.

DH, who makes a pretty high income (so that I can stay home), brings me tea in bed, takes care of breakfast for everyone, loads the dishes in the dishwasher, before his office starts at 9am. Throughout the day, whenever he takes a break and does something for himself he is caring enough to do it for all of us. He cuts a fruit for himself, he will cut fruits for all of us. He makes a cup of tea for himself, he will make a cup of tea for me too. My kids have also been raised to care for everyone in the family. So the person who is doing laundry will do the laundry for everyone. If one sets the dinner table, the other will take over putting the leftovers away.

I would be pissed if I was taking care of everyone without any help from DH and kids. Why? Because a household needs everyone's help. In a normal situation, I am not making hot lunches for them every day. They are taking a simple sandwich and some fruit for lunch. Ordinarily, my family does not have to help to clean the house because I have a cleaning lady who helps me to do that once a week. Most importantly, on normal days I am used to having an empty house, which is easier to clean because I am not being interrupted to cook every meal. It is hard to do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc when everyone is home and they need 3 hot and delicious meals a day, a few rounds of milk and cookies, a few rounds of tea/coffee, some snacks, some desserts. Thankfully, my DH has been a considerate and loving husband from the beginning of our relationship and a wonderful, loving father to our children. I have never had to ask him to give me a hand because he was there to give a hand to his family.

In a functional family, everyone is respected and everyone works together for the ultimate good. The ultimate good is always the FAMILY. You work and earn money to help your family succeed. You stay home with your kids to help your family succeed. I can understand that your husband has to work. He was working before the pandemic too. He normally had to wake up early, dress, commute to go to work. All of that load has been removed from his day. You on the other hand have seen your workload increase manyfold. If he cannot understand it then I am sorry for you and your children because you are married to a very low quality man.

For all the WOHMs who are crowing about the comeuppance this SAHM is getting - yes, it sucks because OP is facing this lack of help from her husband in a pandemic situation, whereas you seem to think this is the way things should be? Your head is your own, no doubt, but your ideas are those of misogynistic men. You live and function in this weird kind of selfish relationship with your spouse without a pandemic. Let me help you understand this - if the entire family is not helping out each other so that everyone succeeds, and if each member is not cognizant of the fact that they are being supported and helped - then you do not have a marriage or a relationship.

OP's DH can help after the day is over. He needs to help also during the day so that OP gets some time off for self care. He needs to do all of that because his day has become infinitely easier because he does not have to commute or get up early. He needs to help OP not just because he is her husband, but also the kids he has (including the SN kid with more needs) are not some charity case orphans that he has magnanimously decided to provide a roof for. They are his children and he should be equally invested in their well being and the well being of his wife.

What kind of loser man-child is he? What kind of relationships are these many posters are in, that they think this is ok?

All you rich SAHM married your DH before you left your cushy nonprofit or unionized teaching gig. When you are in a business and at the bottom to midrange of the hierarchy, ie making $110k in sales, you have way less flexibility. My BIL is in sales and his manager wants to see him at his desk with that green light 9-6, expects a report on the number of calls, notes from calls, and work plan for next day. On top of that customers can call you unexpectedly and maybe they will tolerate a child noise in these trying times, but I know at my office there are plenty of people think this is all a bunch of hooey.

I don’t envy her DH, sales is hard and now she wants to make him go against the boiler room rules. What was your career OP, maybe you can be the breadwinner now?

[Anonymous]

OP shouldn't have had three kids if she didn't want to end up a SAHM. Judging by her characterization of her husband, I think she wanted them more than he did and that's how she ended up at home. It's obvious he isn't interested in helping her with the kids or the home and it's what she signed up for.

[Anonymous]

OP, you never answered - do you normally take him lunch given that he always works from home? And does he always have those hours? It sounds like the only thing that's different is that the kids are now home during the day with you. He ought to realize that and step up, but it sounds like some of this behavior you have blessed before this happened.

[Anonymous]

Np here. OP, I am so sorry to hear this. Hang in there. You really need to ask your husband to step up. He's not just working from home like it's a normal day. He's working from during this crisis and it's not a regular day. It sounds to me he's working as if he's in the office and he's not. He's at home. My husband and I are both working from home with two small kids. Can you image if we both shut ourselves just like your husband? It's not possible or realistic. We are both "breadwinners" so it doesn't mean we can just be gone. We do what we can and cover for each other. He needs to give you a break. It sounds like on this board a lot of people don't respect the SAHM job. It's a never ending job and you should be getting a break as well.

I am so sorry to also hear about your struggles with your autistic son. I too have a SN kid and it's draining. Please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, this pandemic is bringing out the a lot of bad attitudes and snark from everyone. You are allowed to struggle as a SAHM. You are allowed to not always enjoy the "mom" part.

I have three non-special needs kids and a DH who has been not working (but still getting paid luckily), and it is very helpful and I still find it challenging at times because of the isolation and trying to homeschool at very different ages and developmental stages. Just know every single mom out there is struggling with what is going on, no matter their circumstances. Do what you can to get through this and know it has an end. You kids WILL go back to school and your normal routine WILL come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

He works to support his family.

Which means that he works from 9 to 6, with two 15 minute breaks with the family and 1 hour-long lunch break with the family, so that he can provide the extra pair of hands that his family needs at the time. Since he is not going to office, he has to help before 9 am in the morning and after 6 pm in the evening.

OP works from 9 to 6 with the 3 kids that is infinitely more stressful than what her DH is doing (unless he is fighting hand to hand combat in Fallujah), and she gets some time off when it is lunch time and the companionship and helping hands of her husband, for 15 minutes, twice during the work day.

Before 9 am and after 6 pm - OP and her DH - need to take care of the house and kids - in an equitable manner, together. If they can't do this then they can kiss a happy and successful family goodbye!

What type of professional job do you have where your work hours after all your breaks is only 7.5 hours a day? And have you ever worked in sales? There’s no such thing as a “break”.

+1 Married to a guy in sales. You can't just take two 15 minute "breaks" and a lunch hour at the same time every day and say you're not going to do anything during those hours. It just doesn't work that way.