I kicked my husband out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.

I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.

This is OP. This is exactly how I feel. People familiar with academia and fertility will agree with you as well. A lot of people commenting have knowledge of neither.

Fertility yes, academia no. Sometimes tenure is very elusive. There is no timetable for academia, actually. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if OP would have had issues at 30. What is clear is that she followed him from 1-2 year gigs moving multiple times when all signs pointed to the fact that he was not succeeding as an academic. 5 years between phd and tenure track first job is concerning and most phds I know who didn't get TT soon after finishing or one prestigious post doc saw the writing on the wall and left academe Remember, this is not about waiting to get tenure , in which case it might make sense to delay having a baby. For in fact it's tremendous pressure over the next 7 tears after starting a tenure track job to actually get tenure---it would have made more sense to have a kid early on in the adjunct/postdoc years and focus once he was on the tenure track.. Someone more realistic would have had a plan B (get a job in industry) but it sounds like OP's husband only cared about pursuing academe, not his wife or having a family. It should never be a unilateral decision and it sounds like they didn't really talk about their absolute priorities before marriage. His was getting a tenure track job above all else, hers was having kids.

Just to put this in perspective, OP's husband started trying to get a job in 2010 or 2011, at the height of the recession (5 years job seeking + 1 year trying to get pregnant = 6 years ago). It's not crazy that he had trouble finding a job then. Lots of people who started job searching never recovered from the hit to their career from coming of age during a massive recession.

I'm not great at math but wasn't 6 years ago 2014?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No one would ever, EVER tell a woman that if she failed to get tenure track, she should defer to her well paid husband's will and start a family, or that she was costing her husband's dream. And rightfully

Are you kidding? This plays out every day, on the board. DH makes more, dW moves for his career, or mommy tracks because somey gas to keep the trains running, etc. Women also self select this all the time, putting needs if family over own career. But in the case above, the woman could pursue a PhD and have kids ! Ops husband refused until he was in his career path, while she was making money. He could have started a family and followed his dream. He just didn't want to divert any time away from his job path for kids.siybds line she was willi g to work, have kids, he wasn't

Your examples are SO not what was said above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you to the several kind posters on this thread, even the “tough love” ones. I appreciate it.

I do have really big resentment. I suffered during those moves. I didn’t make much money and felt rootless. I really wish i could have spent that time with a small baby instead since working was challenging and spotty anyway (we lived for 2.5 years in Europe so remote was not possible).

Now I am back to my original career, software sales, and i make a lot of money but I also work a lot. Part of the resurgence of resentment is how much work it is go find a competent doctor and go to tons of appointments and to deal with the hormonal and emotional fallout of miscarriages. I had a miscarriage workup and I have some autoimmune issues likely causing miscarriage. I realize this is not age dependent but I am also 36 and it could take a very long time to actually figure out a treatment. My doctor suggested baby aspirin but that didn’t help and he wants to put me on a blood thinner after pregnancy but I can’t make it past a couple of days with a positive test to even get there. I have to find a specialist for immunology it seems and that is a very murky area.

I was not happy for the years we were moving because i felt completely powerless and now we are settled and for the past year + we’ve dealt with this. I feel like I cannot catch a break. I do need a therapist but finding a competent therapist is ALSO a whole project. I am not in a good place.

You are going through so much transition. I don’t think this was the best time for you to make such a drastic life change like ending your marriage. I think you should have found a competent therapist and worked on these issues first and then decided about your marriage. One step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of autoimmune issues? A baby aspirin is not going to be sufficient.

THIS! OP please please find a better doctor. You are grieving and rightly so but please just hang in there.. there are many ways to start a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you freeze your eggs? That’s on you

Frozen eggs aren't great in the thawing process, it's really not the best option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you freeze your eggs? That’s on you

Frozen eggs aren't great in the thawing process, it's really not the best option.

How was she to afford to freeze eggs if her husband was still on the tenure track? You did the rifht thing op. Counseling would simply waste even more time. Ice been there ans done that.

[Anonymous]

Women with fertility problems are not uncommon. Age is not necessarily a factor in your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you post in the infertility forum with your diagnosis and general location posters can make recommendations about possible treatments and clinics.

[Anonymous]

Have you decided to continue with the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if OP would have had issues at 30. What is clear is that she followed him from 1-2 year gigs moving multiple times when all signs pointed to the fact that he was not succeeding as an academic. 5 years between phd and tenure track first job is concerning and most phds I know who didn't get TT soon after finishing or one prestigious post doc saw the writing on the wall and left academe Remember, this is not about waiting to get tenure , in which case it might make sense to delay having a baby. For in fact it's tremendous pressure over the next 7 tears after starting a tenure track job to actually get tenure---it would have made more sense to have a kid early on in the adjunct/postdoc years and focus once he was on the tenure track.. Someone more realistic would have had a plan B (get a job in industry) but it sounds like OP's husband only cared about pursuing academe, not his wife or having a family. It should never be a unilateral decision and it sounds like they didn't really talk about their absolute priorities before marriage. His was getting a tenure track job above all else, hers was having kids.

Agree. The next 7 years trying to get tenure will be brutal. He's still going to prioritize his career. Get the divorce.

[Anonymous]

And if he doesn’t get tenure he’ll be kicked out. What’s his plan for that possibility?

[Anonymous]

OP - The infertility forum would be a really good resource for you to feel a bit more in control of that part of things. And (I know off topic but): I rec. Betsy Mencher for therapy, Keri Westhauser for acupuncture (I was a skeptic, but seriously), and I had a positive experience with Dr Widra at Shady Grove (I had not auto immune but related issues and did lovenox from a positive test). I started all of this around 36, had DC1 at 38 and DC2 at 42. A friend who had did the single mom fertility path (at 40) had a good experience with GW. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry to hear what happened and how you feel. That said OP, consider that you do not have a proper counterfactual. Many women get pregnant at 35 and up. You don’t know if things would be have been different. If you still love him give him a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many paths to parenthood and pregnancy. You seem to have taken none. Admit to yourself that this is about resentment or something else in your marriage and not pregnancy. You aren’t being honest with anyone here that this isn’t about him but you.

Exactly. The dad of the current US figure skating champion has 5 kids, using his sperm and surrogate. He was a first generation immigrant without much of anything.