Afraid I will get evicted because of my 4-year-old's tantrums -- what are my rights?

[Anonymous]

You should take your kid out into the cold. We did that with our toddler who did that even without neighbors. Tends to shock them. Sure it will be a pain. But do it a few times, maybe once just get in the car and drive and freak them out. They will stop doing it.

The cold is working in your favor not against it. Be really honest. "We had to go outside in the cold right now because you are bothering Mrs. Simpson. We can't go back inside until you calm down. It is unfortunate we didn't have time to get your boot and coat. As soon as we go inside we will be warmer."

Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should take your kid out into the cold. We did that with our toddler who did that even without neighbors. Tends to shock them. Sure it will be a pain. But do it a few times, maybe once just get in the car and drive and freak them out. They will stop doing it.

The cold is working in your favor not against it. Be really honest. "We had to go outside in the cold right now because you are bothering Mrs. Simpson. We can't go back inside until you calm down. It is unfortunate we didn't have time to get your boot and coat. As soon as we go inside we will be warmer."

Rinse and repeat.

So, you go outside and bother all the neighbors rather than one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP, I think that if the time outs are making her scream so much that the neighbor is complaining-it's not working for you. I mean, you need to not be homeless more than she needs a time out.

I would stop the time outs, be ready to take her to the car if she goes crazy, and don't talk to the neighbor anymore. Just move on. Spring will be here and you can get her outside to the park to run off the energy. Is there local places you and dh can take her in the winter, like a play place?

That rewards the behavior. Scream and you get to go to the playground or local place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -

she gets up around 7. She has a 1.5 hour nap 5x a week at pre-school, and will not take naps on weekends. Like I said, the news of baby #2 seems to have made her a lot moodier and whinier.

I'm willing to try the time-ins and to take her to the car when she is loud.

I've thought of having her chat with my neighbor directly as someone suggested here, but my neighbor is so mad that I don't think she's willing to do that. It's all going through the landlord at this point.

And yea, DC is incredibly expensive - that's why so many people live in apartments, ok?

Or, you move further out and get a small house. Your neighbor doesn't want to chat or discipline your child. That is your job.

Drop the nap as she may not be tired during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely a parenting problem and not a neighbor or real estate problem

Exactly. Do you understand this, OP?

So, what you are saying is that nobody will evict her for the noise of her child?
Op, you said you had a landlord. Is the downstairs neighbor an owner? The tenant's rights maybe able to help you because you are a renter. We did not get help since we were owners. Few lawyers deal with housing issues. Mots told us that there is no money involved.
The landlord does not dare to evict you because of your child. Make sure they don't have another reason to do so. If downstairs neighbor goes to court, her case will be thrown out most likely because kids need to live somewhere, be it apartments. You are to blame, the building builder is to blame and maybe even the neighbor who needs to understand that not all noises are under your control. That said, you should do your best, and yes, 2nd kid on the way who probably will scream also, is scary to the neighbor.
By the way, such cases as yours, have never received good advice here from lawyers and I'm starting to think it's because nobody deals with housing cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here : As for why we decided to live in an apartment - it is all we can afford. We already pay $1,700 a month for childcare, and we want to send our daughter to the school across the street. We simply cannot afford a stand alone house or a row house in this neighborhood or any neighborhood with decent public schools.


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If you know that "kids are kids" (said by lazy, entitled parents everywhere) then why did you decide to live in an apartment? I'm so shocked at the entitlement of some people. We held off on starting a family until we could move to a house for them. Even when it was a small house, and we had to give up a lot else in life to get it. It's what decent people do. Your reproduction decisions shouldn't constitute a societal problem.

I get it. Really. I don't have the number of kids I would like, because we simply can't afford more. I also waited way later than I would have preferred to start our family, because we needed to move into appropriate housing first, which took money and time. At some point, you need to understand that life has trade-offs. And that children cost money.

And you're talking about DC. There are plenty of houses in less expensive parts of the country where the schools are better than the worst DC schools but the housing prices are lower. If you want to live in the heart of DC, you need to make some concessions. One of those is to have the number of kids you can appropriately (not just "legally") house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here : As for why we decided to live in an apartment - it is all we can afford. We already pay $1,700 a month for childcare, and we want to send our daughter to the school across the street. We simply cannot afford a stand alone house or a row house in this neighborhood or any neighborhood with decent public schools.


_____



If you know that "kids are kids" (said by lazy, entitled parents everywhere) then why did you decide to live in an apartment? I'm so shocked at the entitlement of some people. We held off on starting a family until we could move to a house for them. Even when it was a small house, and we had to give up a lot else in life to get it. It's what decent people do. Your reproduction decisions shouldn't constitute a societal problem.

Wait, so everyone with a kid in an apartment is a "societal problem"? So like the entirety of Manhattan? Who are you?

Plenty of people have children in apartments, but they also parent those children properly. And part of being a good parent is not choosing to have more children when you're already in way over your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should take your kid out into the cold. We did that with our toddler who did that even without neighbors. Tends to shock them. Sure it will be a pain. But do it a few times, maybe once just get in the car and drive and freak them out. They will stop doing it.

The cold is working in your favor not against it. Be really honest. "We had to go outside in the cold right now because you are bothering Mrs. Simpson. We can't go back inside until you calm down. It is unfortunate we didn't have time to get your boot and coat. As soon as we go inside we will be warmer."

Rinse and repeat.

+1

and then, "... and since you're wasting my time making me walk out in the cold with you, we won't have time to read a story together tonight like we had planned." etc

[Anonymous]

Buy the neighbor some super expensive, highly rated noise canceling headphones. The newborn noises coupled with the four year older angst/ tantrums may be less impactful on your neighbor with this device.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the neighbor some super expensive, highly rated noise canceling headphones. The newborn noises coupled with the four year older angst/ tantrums may be less impactful on your neighbor with this device.

No. It is on OP to control her child’s noise. The neighbor does not have to change one single thing about her own behavior.

[Anonymous]

I had difficult child. Taking him outside worked better--didn't have to force him either because he would follow me rather than be left when he was losing it. Also, I made a point about renting garden level so nobody under us--if he stomped, there was concrete under the flooring/carpet. Even so, I often wonder what would have happened if we hadn't been in our own house by the time he was 8 ( SN kid). Also, his dad had been taking him out in the cold from the time we was an infant if he cried--the cold does shut them up!

But I think you should find a therapist to help figure this out. I don't care what people say, there are kids for whom time out just does not work and the attempt to be consistent becomes ever more frustrating for everyone. Part of it may be figuring out what leads up to the tantrum to begin with. Keep a diary, look for patterns.

[Anonymous]

OP, our kid was like that when our second was on the way. A good therapist and the book Happiest Toddler on the Block made a difference .

I still regret not spending more time holding and playing with my oldest during that time. Everyone told me to do more time outs, etc., but about a year later I figured out that simply holding my DS and telling him I loved him calmed him down enough to discuss why the behavior issue. (He was 3 at the time.)

Good for you to choose a good school and live close. Sounds like you value living by a good school more than having a big house and I’m glad for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, I think that if the time outs are making her scream so much that the neighbor is complaining-it's not working for you. I mean, you need to not be homeless more than she needs a time out.

I would stop the time outs, be ready to take her to the car if she goes crazy, and don't talk to the neighbor anymore. Just move on. Spring will be here and you can get her outside to the park to run off the energy. Is there local places you and dh can take her in the winter, like a play place?

That rewards the behavior. Scream and you get to go to the playground or local place.

Please read. Going to the playground or play place is so she can run off energy so she's NOT running around the apt and bothering Mrs. Downstairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely a parenting problem and not a neighbor or real estate problem

Exactly. Do you understand this, OP?

[Anonymous]

If you google “time-in instead of time out” a bunch of articles will come up that further explain the practice.