Afraid I will get evicted because of my 4-year-old's tantrums -- what are my rights?

[Anonymous]

4 is a tough age because they are usually smart/verbal enough to reason with, but their emotional regulation skills are still low. I would try a different method than time out. Reward chart with quick/easy to earn rewards for good behavior. Removal of screens and junk food to help regulate mood, make sure she’s sleeping enough. Don’t let her get too tired or too hungry. It’s on you to recognize triggers/patterns and think a step ahead. I don’t think you should give in to her all the time, but it’s up to you to parent differently so that she isn’t triggered so much.

What triggers the tantrums?

[Anonymous]

The tantrums likely aren’t regularly happening during “quiet hours”, right? Your child should be sleeping during that time.

You could try the car thing: keep a blanket in the car, put on fleeces and hats, and run the heat.

[Anonymous]

Wow. It's pretty inconsiderate to constantly put your daughter in situations which you know will lead to her screaming "at the top of her lungs" when you share walls with neighbors. Plus, if she's screaming, the time outs aren't working. You need to figure out a different way to discipline your daughter. I, too, would be pretty annoyed and would complain to the landlord.

[Anonymous]

So you’re squeezing into an apartment that you acknowledge is already you small for you (no doubt contributing to your daughter’s stress level), and you acknowledge that you have zero control over your daughter, that her behavior is extremely bad and disruptive, that she creates an incredible amount of noise that you know is highly inappropriate especially given the age and low quality construction of the building, and then you decided to have another child?

Aside from the obvious (!!!), I will just say that whatever benefit you think your child is going to get from having the good school across the road is NOT worth what you’re putting her through to make it happen. Not to mention the karma coming to you from what you’re doing to the poor person downstairs. You simply cannot afford the area you live in. Making everyone miserable to try to believe that you can afford this school and area is really entitled. Start being responsible and move your children to a place that’s appropriate for them. On a ground floor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I have made my neighbor homemade cookies 2x and also had a lengthy, empathetic conversation with her about it in person. We've clearly moved beyond the ability to handle this ourselves.

No one wants cookies, they want your kid to stop screaming. Child knows screaming gets attention so you need to find another punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your neighbor "dramatically complaining about" your toddler's noise? What are they claiming, and are you saying they're exaggerating and/or lying about the noise?

From your own description, it sounds like the noise level is extreme, so I'm wondering how the neighbor is culpable in this situation.

Right? OP, the dramatic one is your child. Your neighbor is not wrong for complaining about your inability to maintain a peaceful environment in a communal living situation. Time to get your own place where you don’t disturb EVERYONE around you. I can pretty much guarantee they’re not the only ones who hate you, they’re just the most vocal.

[Anonymous]

Op- does your complex have a bottom unit you can move to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- does your complex have a bottom unit you can move to?

. Or, a good spanking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the person suggesting we move - is that reasonable? Moving is very expensive and time-consuming, and as I said, we live here specifically because it is across the street from a very good elementary school. Also, the apartment below ours is smaller, and we are already crammed with 1 kid (and one one the way) in a 2-bedroom.

I've contacted a lawyer with DC tenant's rights and I'll see what I hear. Thanks for everyone's ideas so far.

Ask about the other tenant’s rights while you are at it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure that OP is legally protected, but she and we all know that she isn’t in the “right” on this topic. She is polluting a shared space because you created an untenable living situation for you and your child. You need to live somewhere you can afford that has enough space for the family that YOU created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4-year-old has been stomping, running and having temper tantrums, and I'm getting a lot of complaints from my downstairs neighbor, who has been dramatically complaining about to landlord. We are renters in a very old building with thin walls and floors. We already have carpet covering 80% of the floors. What's especially hard is what to do about time out - we put our daughter in her room and she screams at the top of her lungs. I know this must be hard for our neighbor, but I don't know what to do. The landlord has suggested taking her outside to the car when she's like that, but it's the middle of winter, and I can't imagine logistics of getting her and myself bundled up to do that.

I am trying my very best to keep her from being so loud, and when things escalate, I feel my only trump card is time out - which just makes the noise worse.

I'm worried we will get evicted, and I'm seeing conflicting information online. Anyone know what my rights are here, as a renter in DC?

Other stuff:We live right across the street from a very good elementary school, and it's too expensive to own a home or rent a row house in this area. Also, we are about to have a baby, which is obviously going to make the noise 10x worse.
The vast majority of the noise is during the day, so NOT during our "quiet hours" of 10pm-7am.

If you haven’t tried it, you might want to. She’s not going to freeze even without a coat. Put a blanket in your car for you. It might even shock her into stopping.

There are studies that show that kids will find shelter and warmth before any damage is caused by the cold, even at young ages. Just as people say a kid won’t starve to death (and I get there are kids with special needs for whom this is not true) the same goes for freezing. Your thinking she needs bundled up is for comfort and, seriously, your eviction will create so much more discomfort than putting her in the cold car while she tantrums.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

We are raising two kids in a two bedroom apartment. Our kids make different noises than yours (not too much screaming, lots of bouncing, jumping, running). We do what we can to mitigate the noise level: carpeting, mats, we don’t wear shoes, respect the building’s quiet hours, spend lots of time playing outside - but we’ve had plenty of noise complaints from our downstairs neighbors.

Because we are following the rules on floor covering and quiet hours, there’s really nothing they can do but complain. As the building tells them, noises are a part of apartment living. When they talk to me directly, I’m sympathetic but kids are kids and there are some days, like today, where we just can’t get outside to burn energy. I did give them the name of the white noise machine we use during nap time. They haven’t complained in awhile so maybe that’s helping.

Anyway, keep working with your dd. Hopefully she’ll grow out of this phase soon. And good luck with the new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered time-in instead of time out? When my dd (now 6) is acting up or throwing a tantrum, I sit with her in a quiet place. We’ll just sit silently at first, usually with her on my lap, do some breathing exercises, etc. Once she’s calmed down, we can talk about whatever is going on with her behavior/what’s triggering her. I heard about this technique here first. It sounded strange and like rewarding bad behavior with attention. However, it’s really worked wonders, especially when dd was a toddler and preschooler.

I second this. Works much better for older DD, since she has a tendencies to get overwhelmed by her feelings and tantrums are often a result of not being able to express how she feels. Younger DS does better with time outs, so it's not universal...but it might work for your DD. Mine could tantrum in a time out for >30 min, but the "time in" approach works in just a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure that OP is legally protected, but she and we all know that she isn’t in the “right” on this topic. She is polluting a shared space because you created an untenable living situation for you and your child. You need to live somewhere you can afford that has enough space for the family that YOU created.

And that might mean leaving behind your walkable lifestyle and the school you carefully picked out. But it is the morally right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure that OP is legally protected, but she and we all know that she isn’t in the “right” on this topic. She is polluting a shared space because you created an untenable living situation for you and your child. You need to live somewhere you can afford that has enough space for the family that YOU created.

And that might mean leaving behind your walkable lifestyle and the school you carefully picked out. But it is the morally right thing to do.

If I was the neighbor I might be annoyed but morally I would feel terrible if I got a young family kicked out.

Second the suggestion of time in.