Could you please keep your kids off the screens when family is visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids similar ages?

5 and 7. Close enough.

Mine is 5. Theirs is 7.

That's a pretty big age difference and different interests.

Pretty big age difference? It’s two years. This must be from a parent that justifies their kid not interacting with others and just playing on their iPad.

Kids need to learn social skills. My kids, nieces and nephews all play together and the age difference is huge- 5 year old to 16 year old. Put them together in the basement or outside and let them figure it out, it’s better than being with the “grown ups”. Now multiple days- yes they need some down time. But in general kids can hang out together without a screen.

Don’t you all remember running around with your cousins growing up?

Sure. But we had dinner at my grandmother’s every single Sunday for a decade. They were absolutely familiar to me and vice versa. In contrast, things were always awkward with my cousins who lived out of state or abroad that we saw once a year.

[Anonymous]

The parents should be the ones setting the example. If cousins are only spending a day or two they should plan activities and outings for all kids to enjoy and devices could be put aside. It’s sad how devices consume our lives so much nowadays. I too have to make a conscious effort to put my phone down when my toddler wants to play with me so I am present. Not easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids similar ages?

5 and 7. Close enough.

Mine is 5. Theirs is 7.

That's a pretty big age difference and different interests.

Pretty big age difference? It’s two years. This must be from a parent that justifies their kid not interacting with others and just playing on their iPad.

Kids need to learn social skills. My kids, nieces and nephews all play together and the age difference is huge- 5 year old to 16 year old. Put them together in the basement or outside and let them figure it out, it’s better than being with the “grown ups”. Now multiple days- yes they need some down time. But in general kids can hang out together without a screen.

Don’t you all remember running around with your cousins growing up?

Sure. But we had dinner at my grandmother’s every single Sunday for a decade. They were absolutely familiar to me and vice versa. In contrast, things were always awkward with my cousins who lived out of state or abroad that we saw once a year.

I have six cousins- they grew up in India and I grew up in the United States. We were fortunate if we saw them once a year and we still had a total blast when we got together.

[Anonymous]

I’m currently the cool aunt, and the adults love me too, even the ones who had to do without a phone for three hours.

Every child had a device, and we had Pokémon go loaded for everyone. We walked all over (exercise, who knew?!) and yet all the kids see is three hours of screen time.

Find something THEY want to do (screens) and figure out how to get them to do that while doing what you want as well (exercise and social interaction, in my case).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What weird responses. OP, I get why some people think you’re being “judgey,” but I like you and your lack of hard candy and think as long as you aren’t being extreme in your opinion and practice, you’re fine.

Geez— “screens can’t be addictive!”

“You are expecting a 7-year-old to be an ‘unpaid babysitter’ for a 5-year-old because you think they might play *anything* together!” (They’re 7 and 5, not 14 and 2!)

“Kids need ‘downtime’, which involves isolating themselves from everyone else for extended periods of time and almost never interacting with other kids!”

“Thank goodness he’s on his own screen nonstop or he might— gasp!— transmit germs to your child! Germs!!”

Very few parents completely disallow screen time, especially at these ages, and those who limit it rarely do it out of some need to feel morally superior or because they “don’t understand the science.” Come on, folks.

I think it’s also true that some parents are pretty oblivious to the sheer amount and the circumstances under which both their kids and they, themselves, use screens. They’re in the minority, so I’m not about to blather on and on about the downfall of society, but I definitely know some neurotypical (or neurotypical enough!) kids who ask for the wifi password first thing, whose parents let them cart electronics around everywhere and seem oblivious to the fact that their kids aren’t playing with anyone else. (This can go for books, too, though I’ve not seen that in recent memory— and for most kids, even bookworms, books are less absorbing.) Like, these parents will go on and on about how much their kid wants to see your kid, and as they leave, they will pose their kid for a pic with yours, maybe having engaged them both in some conversation or activity for literally 5 or 10 minutes out of a 3-hour-visit, and say— sincerely!— “Oh, it’s so great when we can get the kids together!”

And you just stand there like... “Okay...”

Some people, even very nice people, seem to have their attention so divided that they don’t realize how they and their family are experienced by others. Meaning if they have had their nose in their phone for 2.5 hours and interacted with you for 30 minutes, they feel as though the world was frozen in time for the 2.5 hours and they only fondly remember the 30 minutes of time together. But the world wasn’t stopped— it was staring expectantly and awkwardly at the tops of their heads, waiting for them to look up.

I didn’t have a device growing up. We didn’t even have a tv (80s/90s). However, I was very much an introvert, and I did hide with a book after too much family time. You are minimizing that people are telling you that this is relaxation time, possibly the only time they get to do this for the next several months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What weird responses. OP, I get why some people think you’re being “judgey,” but I like you and your lack of hard candy and think as long as you aren’t being extreme in your opinion and practice, you’re fine.

Geez— “screens can’t be addictive!”

“You are expecting a 7-year-old to be an ‘unpaid babysitter’ for a 5-year-old because you think they might play *anything* together!” (They’re 7 and 5, not 14 and 2!)

“Kids need ‘downtime’, which involves isolating themselves from everyone else for extended periods of time and almost never interacting with other kids!”

“Thank goodness he’s on his own screen nonstop or he might— gasp!— transmit germs to your child! Germs!!”

Very few parents completely disallow screen time, especially at these ages, and those who limit it rarely do it out of some need to feel morally superior or because they “don’t understand the science.” Come on, folks.

I think it’s also true that some parents are pretty oblivious to the sheer amount and the circumstances under which both their kids and they, themselves, use screens. They’re in the minority, so I’m not about to blather on and on about the downfall of society, but I definitely know some neurotypical (or neurotypical enough!) kids who ask for the wifi password first thing, whose parents let them cart electronics around everywhere and seem oblivious to the fact that their kids aren’t playing with anyone else. (This can go for books, too, though I’ve not seen that in recent memory— and for most kids, even bookworms, books are less absorbing.) Like, these parents will go on and on about how much their kid wants to see your kid, and as they leave, they will pose their kid for a pic with yours, maybe having engaged them both in some conversation or activity for literally 5 or 10 minutes out of a 3-hour-visit, and say— sincerely!— “Oh, it’s so great when we can get the kids together!”

And you just stand there like... “Okay...”

Some people, even very nice people, seem to have their attention so divided that they don’t realize how they and their family are experienced by others. Meaning if they have had their nose in their phone for 2.5 hours and interacted with you for 30 minutes, they feel as though the world was frozen in time for the 2.5 hours and they only fondly remember the 30 minutes of time together. But the world wasn’t stopped— it was staring expectantly and awkwardly at the tops of their heads, waiting for them to look up.

I didn’t have a device growing up. We didn’t even have a tv (80s/90s). However, I was very much an introvert, and I did hide with a book after too much family time. You are minimizing that people are telling you that this is relaxation time, possibly the only time they get to do this for the next several months.

The kid in question was on his device nonstop from the jump— there wasn’t “too much family time” to escape from. Sorry, but I don’t believe that “vegging” on screens is a rare commodity for this family and can only be enjoyed 4 times per year. Perhaps vegging for days or a week at a time, but there’s no way I believe that the kid in question never gets to “decompress” in this way otherwise and must use rare cousin time to do it.

[Anonymous]

To clarify— he wasn’t hiding in his room with a tablet or a book AFTER “too much family time.” He did it in lieu of family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree to a point. However, i will not force my child to play with yours for more than a couple of hours. Sometimes interests don't line up. your kid may be a brat or a bully, they may have different versions of what is fun to play with or how to play, you may not allow nerf guns or other toys my kids like to play with.
I don't think being with family means that you need to bond 24/7 for days on end.
It totally depends on how long the visit is. A few hours? Sure. no problem.
If you are talking a full day or more? Nope. sorry. It is my kid's Xmas break too and they can choose what is fun for them and it may not be playing duplo blocks.
We do put time limits on screens but some apps are educational like the book ones or the math ones and i will allow my child to play those for a bit longer than just a racing game.

It’s always the other child who’s the brat or bully. Funny that.

[Anonymous]

This thread is really messed up. I cannot believe so many people think it is normal for kids to be on screens rather than socialize. Trust me, I know getting young kids together can be stressful. Kids get loud, they argue, etc. But this is literally what our job is as parents...dealing with all of that. Helping them learn to get along with others and be polite to adults, and interact with society. I do not know anyone in my social circle or family (New England area professional types) who would be fine with what OP is describing. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just drove 7 hours to see you so our kids could play together. Would it kill you to tell your children to put down their iPads and play with their cousins? Thanks.

The kids are not going to treat your kids like long lost besties if you only see them once a year due to the 7 hour drive. Don’t act like you did the other family a favor by bringing your kids to their house. And the younger the kids, the more significant an age gap is... your 5 yo might be too young for the 7 yo to even give the time of day if they met at a playground.

That's ridiculous. Our twins are 5 and their best friend in the neighborhood (out of 22 kids in our friend group) is 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I really think you need some perspective. My niece and nephew came to visit and were NOT on electronics and still didn't interact with us. As a pp said they are people too. You can't just expect them to perform perfectly. As another pp said, would you still be so upset if they were reading (and still not engaging)? It's fine to be disappointed, I was. BUT, it's not the electronics AND I will make the effort again because I care about my family, and I'm certainly not perfect.

I think screens have an addictive quality that makes them attractive even when playmates are around. Therefore I think good parenting means all kids should be off screens for the majority of the visit. Good parenting means holding the line on that so the kids can shake off their screen zombie and enjoy playing. Just this afternoon my nephew got a technology time out for being out-and-out rude to an adult. Guess what he did-immediately started playing happily with the 5 yo. It is the addictive quality of screens that makes them problematic and takes active parenting to resist.

God, you are insufferable.

Actually she/he is correct. And I'm not anti-screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister's family is like this. They live a few hours away, so we only see each other a couple of times a year. We usually visit during the holidays for an afternoon/evening. Her kids are 10, 8, 6, and 4. Ours are 8, 6, and 3. Should be great for cousins playing together, right? Nope. Her kids are glued to their video games, and they will not share with mine. Kids CAN play together with screens, but it just doesn't happen there. What usually ends up happening is my kids either stand around and watch their cousins play Xbox, or just go play by themselves with the cousins' non-screen toys. I've tried to step in and encourage taking turns, but it's like talking to a wall. It's better in the summer, when the weather is good for playing outside, but Christmas is just the worst with them. It's depressing because I have such great memories of playing with my cousins on holidays, and I either just give up and let the kids separate into their camps, or I miss out on chatting with my sister because I'm trying to get them to include each other.

And I have brought it up with my sister, but she just shrugs it off and says the kids love their video games and agrees that there's no distracting them with other toys. Um, maybe just turn it off then?

My SIL is the same. We stopped doing beach vacations in the summer with them because her kids would rather play on their iPads all day than go outside or go swimming. You can clearly tell which people let their kids have unlimited screen time because they'rte the ones being defensive. We have also just hung out and chilled this break, but that consists of card games, board games, playing outside, playing with toys, cooking, baking, and a few hours of TV over the course of the week. I really don't get why people are so willing to give their kids devices all the time. And no, I'm not an old grandmother, I'm a millennial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids never turn down a board game. Ages 11, 17 & 22. And we have all of the video game systems and the younger 2 at home still love to play online, but will always drop that for monopoly. I find it hard to believe a 5 and 7 year old can't find a game to play together.

+1

We had two five-year olds, a six-year old and a seven-year old and they played happily together with zero devices. I guess it's because we're all like-minded on the issue of no screens when friends or family is over? No complaints from anyone, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids never turn down a board game. Ages 11, 17 & 22. And we have all of the video game systems and the younger 2 at home still love to play online, but will always drop that for monopoly. I find it hard to believe a 5 and 7 year old can't find a game to play together.

+1

We had two five-year olds, a six-year old and a seven-year old and they played happily together with zero devices. I guess it's because we're all like-minded on the issue of no screens when friends or family is over? No complaints from anyone, by the way.

+2, my 8yo happily played with a 5yo for a couple hours over the weekend, with no devices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What weird responses. OP, I get why some people think you’re being “judgey,” but I like you and your lack of hard candy and think as long as you aren’t being extreme in your opinion and practice, you’re fine.

Geez— “screens can’t be addictive!”

“You are expecting a 7-year-old to be an ‘unpaid babysitter’ for a 5-year-old because you think they might play *anything* together!” (They’re 7 and 5, not 14 and 2!)

“Kids need ‘downtime’, which involves isolating themselves from everyone else for extended periods of time and almost never interacting with other kids!”

“Thank goodness he’s on his own screen nonstop or he might— gasp!— transmit germs to your child! Germs!!”

Very few parents completely disallow screen time, especially at these ages, and those who limit it rarely do it out of some need to feel morally superior or because they “don’t understand the science.” Come on, folks.

I think it’s also true that some parents are pretty oblivious to the sheer amount and the circumstances under which both their kids and they, themselves, use screens. They’re in the minority, so I’m not about to blather on and on about the downfall of society, but I definitely know some neurotypical (or neurotypical enough!) kids who ask for the wifi password first thing, whose parents let them cart electronics around everywhere and seem oblivious to the fact that their kids aren’t playing with anyone else. (This can go for books, too, though I’ve not seen that in recent memory— and for most kids, even bookworms, books are less absorbing.) Like, these parents will go on and on about how much their kid wants to see your kid, and as they leave, they will pose their kid for a pic with yours, maybe having engaged them both in some conversation or activity for literally 5 or 10 minutes out of a 3-hour-visit, and say— sincerely!— “Oh, it’s so great when we can get the kids together!”

And you just stand there like... “Okay...”

Some people, even very nice people, seem to have their attention so divided that they don’t realize how they and their family are experienced by others. Meaning if they have had their nose in their phone for 2.5 hours and interacted with you for 30 minutes, they feel as though the world was frozen in time for the 2.5 hours and they only fondly remember the 30 minutes of time together. But the world wasn’t stopped— it was staring expectantly and awkwardly at the tops of their heads, waiting for them to look up.

I didn’t have a device growing up. We didn’t even have a tv (80s/90s). However, I was very much an introvert, and I did hide with a book after too much family time. You are minimizing that people are telling you that this is relaxation time, possibly the only time they get to do this for the next several months.

The kid in question was on his device nonstop from the jump— there wasn’t “too much family time” to escape from. Sorry, but I don’t believe that “vegging” on screens is a rare commodity for this family and can only be enjoyed 4 times per year. Perhaps vegging for days or a week at a time, but there’s no way I believe that the kid in question never gets to “decompress” in this way otherwise and must use rare cousin time to do it.

I had to be out by the door to greet everyone coming in. Then I retreated and read my book. I’m an introvert, so no, huge family gatherings aren’t my cup of tea. I’d come out and talk in small groups or play with a few cousins, but when it got overwhelming, I went and read. I’m glad my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother understood, as clearly you don’t.