Complicated Grief and my late friend’s husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't we get Congress to pass a law that says the good friends of a decedent choose how the estate should be distributed?

It's not the friend deciding. The woman decided how she wanted HER money that SHE earned to be distributed. She told several people, including the friend and the husband (who may or may not be aware that other people were also told), that she wanted it to pass to her son. She was clear in her decision. In most parts of the country, verbal wishes still mean something. Not everything needs to be written down. The wife had no reason at the time to think that her husband would betray her.

I would tell the son and tell him that I will be his witness if he wants to take the father to court. He should be able to sue the father to set up a trust for himself. The father can remarry but the money should all go to the son in that case.

The bolded is the opposite of what the law says when it comes to wills. Verbal wishes mean nothing, it has to be in a proper writing or it’s irrelevant.

BUT BUT BUT, I'm a bored housewife with nothing redeemable in my own life so I have to interfere and force my warped sense of morality onto others because the little I know and what I have conjured up in my head must be true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s odd and selfish that the deceased wife would make her husband swear to live a life forever single. The vow they made at marriage was ‘til death do they part’’. She parted so he is now free to live out his remaining days as he pleases.

If ensuring financial security for the son was the goal then that’s what should have been done. Not discussions for ways to control the husband’s love life from the grave.

I really am surprised at some of the irrational responses on this thread.

+1
OP’s friend wanted to believe her husband would sit alone pining for her for 30-40 years. That’s not what people do, except maybe in romance novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s odd and selfish that the deceased wife would make her husband swear to live a life forever single. The vow they made at marriage was ‘til death do they part’’. She parted so he is now free to live out his remaining days as he pleases.

If ensuring financial security for the son was the goal then that’s what should have been done. Not discussions for ways to control the husband’s love life from the grave.

I really am surprised at some of the irrational responses on this thread.

+1
OP’s friend wanted to believe her husband would sit alone pining for her for 30-40 years. That’s not what people do, except maybe in romance novels.

Yeah, this is nuts. The man is in his 40s. Hardly an old man. According to OP, her friend expected him to stay single for the rest of his life, AND didn't leave any sort of will or trust for her son... not the thoughts and actions of a rational person.

[Anonymous]

Grief can be a dark, endless, lonely tunnel. You do what you can to pull yourself out. For this man, it was finding a new love and bringing a new life into the world.

Having a pact with your spouse that they aren't allowed to expand the family upon your death is cruel and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

Not all men, but many are back stabbers. His wife didn't care if he re-married I'm sure, but at 50 he had no business having anymore kids. What a slap in the face to his current one. A man having kids with various partners is beyond low class and vile. He should have kept all his assets separate before this marriage so his son would be protected. The poor son is still suffering from the loss of his mom, now his no good dad is already getting married with the woman being knocked up. It's a mess in many ways.

When the woman knew she was ill right away she should have made a trust, and taken DH to get a vasectomy. Many grieving men end up being victims, and the likelihood of him being divorced is quite high. With the mess he's gotten himself into he may spend most of his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

This is what my dad did. Re-married at 50 which we didn't have a problem with. However, he put all assets as joint with the new wife who was much younger. Assets from my mom and dad going way back. When he was ill his lawyer called my brother telling him of his concerns. My dad depended on his wife to take care of him, so there was that pressure. He left us a small life insurance policy he hid from her which I could tell she was somewhat miffed about. We ended up splitting it with her because frankly we all have a good relationship with her. I still visit her every year, but it was crappy she ended up with everything. Today we're all well off, but it's mostly the principal. It did teach me though. I have an expensive home I've always kept separate in trust to our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

Get the vasectomy now. Why wait? Your wife might live longer if she's not using BC.

I refused to take BC because it was giving me problems. My DH had no problem getting a vasectomy. Yes he should get it now, so much easier.

[Anonymous]

Not all men, but many are back stabbers. His wife didn't care if he re-married I'm sure, but at 50 he had no business having anymore kids. What a slap in the face to his current one. A man having kids with various partners is beyond low class and vile.

Seek therapy. You have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not all men, but many are back stabbers. His wife didn't care if he re-married I'm sure, but at 50 he had no business having anymore kids. What a slap in the face to his current one. A man having kids with various partners is beyond low class and vile.

Seek therapy. You have a problem.

You know it's true. I feel sorry for his son who is still in HS.

I was going to suggest the same thing to you. And raise the bar while you're at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

This is what my dad did. Re-married at 50 which we didn't have a problem with. However, he put all assets as joint with the new wife who was much younger. Assets from my mom and dad going way back. When he was ill his lawyer called my brother telling him of his concerns. My dad depended on his wife to take care of him, so there was that pressure. He left us a small life insurance policy he hid from her which I could tell she was somewhat miffed about. We ended up splitting it with her because frankly we all have a good relationship with her. I still visit her every year, but it was crappy she ended up with everything. Today we're all well off, but it's mostly the principal. It did teach me though. I have an expensive home I've always kept separate in trust to our kids.

Yep. It’s the principal of the thing. Lesson is that wives should ensure through official legal means 50% of joint assets go to kids if that is your goal for your wealth. Don’t assume your husband will do so in the future even if that is their intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

This is what my dad did. Re-married at 50 which we didn't have a problem with. However, he put all assets as joint with the new wife who was much younger. Assets from my mom and dad going way back. When he was ill his lawyer called my brother telling him of his concerns. My dad depended on his wife to take care of him, so there was that pressure. He left us a small life insurance policy he hid from her which I could tell she was somewhat miffed about. We ended up splitting it with her because frankly we all have a good relationship with her. I still visit her every year, but it was crappy she ended up with everything. Today we're all well off, but it's mostly the principal. It did teach me though. I have an expensive home I've always kept separate in trust to our kids.

Yep. It’s the principal of the thing. Lesson is that wives should ensure through official legal means 50% of joint assets go to kids if that is your goal for your wealth. Don’t assume your husband will do so in the future even if that is their intent.

Absolutely. While you should make sure your kids are self reliant, passing on heirlooms and some family assets helps to make their lives a little easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not all men, but many are back stabbers. His wife didn't care if he re-married I'm sure, but at 50 he had no business having anymore kids. What a slap in the face to his current one. A man having kids with various partners is beyond low class and vile.

Seek therapy. You have a problem.

You know it's true. I feel sorry for his son who is still in HS.

I was going to suggest the same thing to you. And raise the bar while you're at it.

DP - the kid is in COLLEGE. but then again, you don't really care about important details just as long as you can voice your ill-conceived narrative.

yeah, you have a problem and you do need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

This is what my dad did. Re-married at 50 which we didn't have a problem with. However, he put all assets as joint with the new wife who was much younger. Assets from my mom and dad going way back. When he was ill his lawyer called my brother telling him of his concerns. My dad depended on his wife to take care of him, so there was that pressure. He left us a small life insurance policy he hid from her which I could tell she was somewhat miffed about. We ended up splitting it with her because frankly we all have a good relationship with her. I still visit her every year, but it was crappy she ended up with everything. Today we're all well off, but it's mostly the principal. It did teach me though. I have an expensive home I've always kept separate in trust to our kids.

Yep. It’s the principal of the thing. Lesson is that wives should ensure through official legal means 50% of joint assets go to kids if that is your goal for your wealth. Don’t assume your husband will do so in the future even if that is their intent.

Hope you also teach your kids the difference between “principal” and “principle” along with leaving them all that wealth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not all men, but many are back stabbers. His wife didn't care if he re-married I'm sure, but at 50 he had no business having anymore kids. What a slap in the face to his current one. A man having kids with various partners is beyond low class and vile.

Seek therapy. You have a problem.

You know it's true. I feel sorry for his son who is still in HS.

I was going to suggest the same thing to you. And raise the bar while you're at it.

DP - the kid is in COLLEGE. but then again, you don't really care about important details just as long as you can voice your ill-conceived narrative.

yeah, you have a problem and you do need help.

I thought she mean't freshman in high school. I still think it's crappy.

You mean anyone who doesn't agree with your narrative. You may want to do some self reflecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

This is what my dad did. Re-married at 50 which we didn't have a problem with. However, he put all assets as joint with the new wife who was much younger. Assets from my mom and dad going way back. When he was ill his lawyer called my brother telling him of his concerns. My dad depended on his wife to take care of him, so there was that pressure. He left us a small life insurance policy he hid from her which I could tell she was somewhat miffed about. We ended up splitting it with her because frankly we all have a good relationship with her. I still visit her every year, but it was crappy she ended up with everything. Today we're all well off, but it's mostly the principal. It did teach me though. I have an expensive home I've always kept separate in trust to our kids.

Yep. It’s the principal of the thing. Lesson is that wives should ensure through official legal means 50% of joint assets go to kids if that is your goal for your wealth. Don’t assume your husband will do so in the future even if that is their intent.

Hope you also teach your kids the difference between “principal” and “principle” along with leaving them all that wealth!

I also made that mistake. Do you feel better now?