Complicated Grief and my late friend’s husband

[Anonymous]

My friend was sick for many years and passed away three years ago. Her husband is nearing 50, her son just started his Freshman year at a prestigious school, we’re all so proud of the two of them for making it through these last couple years together.

the reason why I’m turning to DCUM and not friends is because I get that a lot of my concerns are none of my business, and possibly fueled by grief. He is engaged and planning to remarry, that’s fine, but my issue is she has two kids and now they’re expecting a baby. When my friend died, him starting another family was off the table, and that’s all I really know about the depth of their conversations. It was set-in-stone kind of decision, he was done with having children. I know she left this world thinking her son was heir to 100% of their family’s wealth, and now that number is split to 25%. Legally he plans to divide everything between the 4 children equally, he’s said this part out loud (he thought it was a funny remark).

I feel so much anger towards him, and I guess on her behalf? I’m not angry about a new baby, but I am angry that he doesn’t have the intelligence to protect HIS as children. My friends gone and her husband is giving away the farm, I just feel bad all around.

[Anonymous]

I agree I’d be angry his son was not his #1 priority. I would make my husband swear it on my deathbed.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. you seem to know too much already about his plans... are you THAT close to him?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

It's good that he was able to find love again and remarry. And it would make no sense, logically or in terms of love, for him to hold his son separate from his new family and children. In time you may be able to see that.

[Anonymous]

He may have fully believed he would honor his wife's wishes at the time of her death. But then he had to grieve, which is very lonely business. And maybe he found healing and a future with this new woman, and he had to start living life for himself now, instead of for his dead wife.

[Anonymous]

I'd be upset too, OP. You are a good friend and want what's best for your friend's son. There is nothing you can do other than make sure the son continues to know that your family will always be there for him if he needs anything. Nothing good can come from trying to shame the husband in any way.

[Anonymous]

"Protect his children"? what are you babbling about?

No child should expect a penny from their parents. If they get a good upbringing and education then they are doing well - and it sounds like he did. Anything you inherit is just a bonus, you should make your own way in the world. In any case, there may be no inheritance. The father may go on for another 50 years and require very expensive nursing care. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

When I die, I want my husband to be happy, not lonely. I will die know my children will have challenges, and that will be hard to bare, but that is life unfortunately. Good luck to them, I hope it works out beautifully.

[Anonymous]

As long as his dad isn't favoring his "new" children over his son, I see nothing wrong with this. It's a rather unfair promise to extract from someone that they will never marry after you die. 50 is not old, is a person really expected to be alone for the next 30-40 years?

My father was widowed when he was 50. He eventually remarried but not until I was grown and out of the house. I'm glad he did, I didn't want him to be alone. There are issues that stem from "meshing" families at that stage, but it would not be better if he was just alone for the rest of his life. I also don't care what he does with his money in his will.

[Anonymous]

Heir to the family's wealth? Is the estate entailed? If not, then I'm not sure what your point is.

[Anonymous]

I can understand if you are worried that your friend's widow might not continue keeping his late wife's memory alive for their child but I don't understand your concern about the child's potential inheritance. Other than keepsakes and sentimental items, should there be an expectation of any inheritance?

To extend the logic of your thinking, would you begrudge this man if he were to buy a larger home? Go on a nice vacation? Pay for expensive in-home care for himself in his later years thereby relieving his child of care giving obligations but also depleting his estate?

My point is, this money belongs to him and he will hopefully live a long and productive life. Your wish should be that he keep the memory of his late wife alive for their son. That's the inheritance. The money is a bonus.

[Anonymous]

How much of their wealth was his wife’s money (from her family or past jobs?). If I had family money and/or a lot of savings from my income/bonuses, if I knew I was sick I might protect that money in a trust for my child/children. That way I’d be taking the issue off the table and it wouldn’t put my husband in a difficult position if he remarried. If the money was largely from her husband, what he is doing seems reasonable even though I totally get why it hurts you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get what you're saying. And as you suggest, it is largely fueled by grief.

The son is a freshman in college. He should be old enough to talk this over himself with his dad. Blended families are a tricky business. In this situation, it changed due to a death but many times it changes due to a divorce and subsequent re-marriage. My parents divorced when I was young. My dad remarried when I was in college - to a woman who is close to my age. So I went through my whole childhood being the "sole heir" to now getting a small portion of my dad's estate. I'm fine with it.

The son may gladly trade his "sole heir" status for a bigger family.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I would be upset too, on behalf of your deceased friend and son.

Second, 13:23 is correct, but doesn't understand that the delivery matters. 13:23 please google Marshall McLuhan.

So I'll just say this: The money is the husband's and not owed to the child; and the child should be expecting nothing. The husband did make a promise to your friend, but both were at the time unknowing that this promise would then get in the way of his happiness with his new mate. Your friend would not want that. If there is a heaven, then she can see what he is trying to do, that he is trying to build another family for himself and their child.

His actions may end up being misguided; he can then correct that; documents can be changed. But it's a way to give him, and his son, the best chance at this new arrangement.

So I think, OP, that this is a situation where reasonable people can make different choices, and although it's not a choice that you (or I ) would make, it's understandable.

Finally, depending on how well you know the DH, you could go to him and confess the elephant on the table, leading with that it's none of your business, but you are coming to him to help you reconcile how you feel --happy for him, worried about his son, trying to deal with knowing what the arrangement was at your friend's death....see what he says