Complicated Grief and my late friend’s husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Your friend's husband didn't die with her, "nearing 50" is not 80, he is entitled to move on with his life and to start a family with his new spouse if he so chooses. Oldest son is in college, he's not being neglected or abused or being left to starve in the streets. No one is guaranteed or has the right to expect any inheritance.

No child has a right to expect an inheritance. But you damn well bet that if I work hard all my life and want to leave something to my children, and I am on my deathbed, I am not taking any promises from my soon to be widowed DH. Let this be a lesson DCUM, Get a life insurance policy payable to a Trust just for YOUR own children. I made sure of this after I divorced my X DH. No way I am paying for him and his new wife to do, well, anything. I accept that he might get married again, have more kids, whatever he wants to do. But I won't let MY share of the assets end up in some other woman's pocket or providing for other people's children. I have arranged everything to protect MY kids.

Get your affairs in order now before the unexpected happens.

This. All my $$ goes to my biological child, and nobody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

And yet, it is still not OP's business, since it's not her child. OP's concern seems to be that the widower has moved on and that her friend is forgotten. That is almost never the way that it works.

[Anonymous]

Eh. This is what men do - they remarry ASAP and start new families. It sucks, but it's what they do.

I have no doubt that my dad would have wasted all my mom's assets on my stepmother and her kids, if it wasn't all legally in a trust for her children only. Thank god for that!

[Anonymous]

Who gets the Earldom?

[Anonymous]

Money should never get in the way of happiness or love, OP.

Why are you so vested in how much money one boy inherits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

Get the vasectomy now. Why wait? Your wife might live longer if she's not using BC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree I’d be angry his son was not his #1 priority. I would make my husband swear it on my deathbed.

I would do more than that. I'd make sure my child was protected in my will to whatever degree possible. Men suck!

+1 My child is my beneficiary, not my husband. She should have protected her child. This situation is very foreseeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

Get the vasectomy now. Why wait? Your wife might live longer if she's not using BC.

This exactly. My DH already had his V, but they can be reversed or IVF can still be used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who gets the Earldom?

Edith

[Anonymous]

Just because it’s come up,

She was a smart woman, turned a little bit of money into wealth. I don’t think it’s okay that two kids who aren’t biologically related to her now adult child, are going to receive half of that wealth. She didn’t go the route of a trust specifically because he had no intentions of starting a second family. She was my friend, I know details because when you prepare for end of life people like to talk through things. We talked through how our children will continue on without us and the money gave her a huge relief for her son.
Marrying someone with kids is one thing, but fully taking on two young kids plus a baby is different, and I don’t think it’s right that he’s taking an “all is equal” approach because she would have protected her son if this was something she thought would happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because it’s come up,

She was a smart woman, turned a little bit of money into wealth. I don’t think it’s okay that two kids who aren’t biologically related to her now adult child, are going to receive half of that wealth. She didn’t go the route of a trust specifically because he had no intentions of starting a second family. She was my friend, I know details because when you prepare for end of life people like to talk through things. We talked through how our children will continue on without us and the money gave her a huge relief for her son.
Marrying someone with kids is one thing, but fully taking on two young kids plus a baby is different, and I don’t think it’s right that he’s taking an “all is equal” approach because she would have protected her son if this was something she thought would happen.

Obviously your friend put faith into her husband to make the decisions that are best for their child. There’s no indication that he’s not doing that. I’m shocked by some of these responses. What meddling busybodies.

[Anonymous]

Does he know with 100% certainty that the baby is his?

I'd want a paternity test. That post-grieving sex definitely clouded his judgment. Seriously, how long has he even known this new woman? Was it an accidental pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Also, that wealth legally belongs to the married spouse. It’s a shared marital asset that became his upon her death, unless we’re talking a shared inheritance or something. The child isn’t owed or entitled to anything.

I think if this were a woman widower the responses would be different. Not “men suck.”

[Anonymous]

Can't we get Congress to pass a law that says the good friends of a decedent choose how the estate should be distributed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't we get Congress to pass a law that says the good friends of a decedent choose how the estate should be distributed?

Given the extremely progressive nature of estate law, I'm surprised that hasn't already been done.