Complicated Grief and my late friend’s husband

[Anonymous]

OP, you're projecting your desires onto this family. Sure, you can make your DH swear on your deathbed that he wouldn't start a new family. But really, you have no control when you're gone.

Is the new DW manipulative? Personally, I think it's a bit crazy that he's giving two non-bio stepkids a share of his estate. I'm guessing he wants them to feel like they are his kids too.

I'm guessing OP is a family member. Are you an aunt to the existing boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree I’d be angry his son was not his #1 priority. I would make my husband swear it on my deathbed.

I would do more than that. I'd make sure my child was protected in my will to whatever degree possible. Men suck!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Your friend's husband didn't die with her, "nearing 50" is not 80, he is entitled to move on with his life and to start a family with his new spouse if he so chooses. Oldest son is in college, he's not being neglected or abused or being left to starve in the streets. No one is guaranteed or has the right to expect any inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was sick for many years and passed away three years ago. Her husband is nearing 50, her son just started his Freshman year at a prestigious school, we’re all so proud of the two of them for making it through these last couple years together.

the reason why I’m turning to DCUM and not friends is because I get that a lot of my concerns are none of my business, and possibly fueled by grief. He is engaged and planning to remarry, that’s fine, but my issue is she has two kids and now they’re expecting a baby. When my friend died, him starting another family was off the table, and that’s all I really know about the depth of their conversations. It was set-in-stone kind of decision, he was done with having children. I know she left this world thinking her son was heir to 100% of their family’s wealth, and now that number is split to 25%. Legally he plans to divide everything between the 4 children equally, he’s said this part out loud (he thought it was a funny remark).

I feel so much anger towards him, and I guess on her behalf? I’m not angry about a new baby, but I am angry that he doesn’t have the intelligence to protect HIS as children. My friends gone and her husband is giving away the farm, I just feel bad all around.

Don’t take a joking remark so seriously. I very much doubt that he was sharing the actual details of his bequests publicly, especially if he said it in a humorous tone. When your friend passed away, her husband had been dealing with having a sick spouse for many years. He was exhausted and grieving and had spent years worrying about what the future held. He has survived that future he once feared, and now suddenly is facing a new, bright future where he has the emotional and physical energy to put into a growing family. When he was losing his long time spouse, I’m sure he couldn’t imagine having the bandwidth for middle of the night feedings and another 2 decades of weeknight sports practices, but he’s not dealing with a graduate death now. He can focus on living. Don’t you think your friend would be happy that he found love and joy and things to look forward to?

[Anonymous]

Hold on - the new woman is already pregnant and now they are recently engaged?

How dumb is this guy? He's going to get taken to the cleaners by a single mom with 2 existing kids. He needs to protect his assets.

How well does he know this woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Your friend's husband didn't die with her, "nearing 50" is not 80, he is entitled to move on with his life and to start a family with his new spouse if he so chooses. Oldest son is in college, he's not being neglected or abused or being left to starve in the streets. No one is guaranteed or has the right to expect any inheritance.

No child has a right to expect an inheritance. But you damn well bet that if I work hard all my life and want to leave something to my children, and I am on my deathbed, I am not taking any promises from my soon to be widowed DH. Let this be a lesson DCUM, Get a life insurance policy payable to a Trust just for YOUR own children. I made sure of this after I divorced my X DH. No way I am paying for him and his new wife to do, well, anything. I accept that he might get married again, have more kids, whatever he wants to do. But I won't let MY share of the assets end up in some other woman's pocket or providing for other people's children. I have arranged everything to protect MY kids.

Get your affairs in order now before the unexpected happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on - the new woman is already pregnant and now they are recently engaged?

How dumb is this guy? He's going to get taken to the cleaners by a single mom with 2 existing kids. He needs to protect his assets.

How well does he know this woman?

Eh. This happens a lot.

Life is fleeting, take your joy where you can find it. Even if that means you get taken to the cleanser afterwards.

[Anonymous]

It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first, I would be upset too, on behalf of your deceased friend and son.

Second, 13:23 is correct, but doesn't understand that the delivery matters. 13:23 please google Marshall McLuhan.

So I'll just say this: The money is the husband's and not owed to the child; and the child should be expecting nothing. The husband did make a promise to your friend, but both were at the time unknowing that this promise would then get in the way of his happiness with his new mate. Your friend would not want that. If there is a heaven, then she can see what he is trying to do, that he is trying to build another family for himself and their child.

His actions may end up being misguided; he can then correct that; documents can be changed. But it's a way to give him, and his son, the best chance at this new arrangement.

So I think, OP, that this is a situation where reasonable people can make different choices, and although it's not a choice that you (or I ) would make, it's understandable.

Finally, depending on how well you know the DH, you could go to him and confess the elephant on the table, leading with that it's none of your business, but you are coming to him to help you reconcile how you feel --happy for him, worried about his son, trying to deal with knowing what the arrangement was at your friend's death....see what he says

Why on earth would you post this, would OP do this? This would be a terrible thing for her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

It's good that he was able to find love again and remarry. And it would make no sense, logically or in terms of love, for him to hold his son separate from his new family and children. In time you may be able to see that.

Presumably, the new wife's first two children also have a father involved in their lives.

What an idiot to "start over" at 50 like that. Being an older father, he should ensure his resources are there for his eldest left without a mother and the new baby who's also likely to lose a parent on the early side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

You don't have to wait for your DW to pass before getting a vasectomy. You could do it sooner than that.

[Anonymous]

This is beyond none of your business. Plans change. Guess what, OP? My parents will leave me nothing when they die. And I'll be fine.

This kid is going to get ... ANYTHING. Maybe $50, maybe $500,000. It's more than nothing.

[Anonymous]

First of all, it's completely unfair to expect a widower to promise to never have more children.

Second, I am a spouse in a blended family, with stepchildren and a child of my own. If anything, the majority of our assets are mine, but my husband and I have agreed that all of the children will share in both of our estates equally. Yes, I could favor my "blood" child, but all of the children are part of my child's family. I have seen hard feelings over an inheritance break apart more than one family, and I would not want to leave my child with lots of money but discord and hard feelings between the only brothers and sisters he has.

As long as the father is taking care of his first son's needs -- college, etc., I think he has every right to build a new family and that includes treating everyone equally. If the son is attending a "prestigious" school, then it sounds like that is the case.

I think OP is focusing on the money because she doesn't want to admit that the remarriage is the problem.

[Anonymous]

People can make promises and plans all they want, but no one knows how they'll feel or react until the situation actually happens and then AFTER it's passed and they've healed. To make assumptions or to judge them for their choices now, years later, is foolish.

After my uncle died unexpectedly of blood clots, my aunt said she'd never remarry. She said she'd never even date another man because he was her one true love.

That was true for around 4 years and then she met a guy that she clicked with and started dating him. Talk about WWIII! My other aunts & uncles were furious because "you said you'd never date again!" blah, blah, blah. Most of the family didn't talk to her for a few years. It was ridiculous.

They've since gotten over it. I think a few went to group therapy to help.