30 year old DH blowing up his life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?

OP, I gave you advice at 08/05 13:16. I have been through what you are going through right now. Your DH is experiencing mania triggered by SSRI. All the signs are there -- increased irritability, staying up late at night and not sleeping, hypersexuality (the hookers and randoms), drinking, not going to work until 3 pm, etc. The drinking is an attempt to self-medicate to counter the hypomania in order to be able to sleep.

For the sake of your husband, please write a fax to the Doctor who is prescribing his SSRIs and describe factually all the behavior you are seeing with examples, and ask for the Dr. to stop or taper off the SSRI. State that you are concerned that his behavior is a harm to self or others -- that he may lose his job and has come close to hitting you. Include your contact information and state that you are willing to come in to a joint appointment. I would actually state that you are concerned and would like the doctor to consider whether your DH is experiencing SSRI-induced hypomania and ask the doctor to consider whether a mood stabilizer should be either switched out for the SSRI or used to augment the SSRI. Suggestion such a specific diagnosis can be a bit risky -- on the one hand, doctors hate having their medical judgment questioned, especially by a woman. On the other hand, you (and your DH) have nothing to lose; if he stays on the current course, he will lose his marriage, job, etc. The doctor may or may not contact you; it depends on their view of their responsibilities under HIPAA vs. their medical responsibilities to the patient. You can't do anything to control that.

The next thing you need to do is lock down financials. I know you have said that you are not financially stable. Do you have any $$ held jointly? You have to understand that your DH in this state is a financial risk to you. Debt accrued during the marriage is a joint responsibility. If your DH is running up bar and hooker tabs on a credit card, whether it's in his name only or joint, those debts are still 50% your responsibility. You need to take $500 from any joint or solo accounts and see an attorney. You need advice from the attorney about how to protect yourself financially both inside the marriage and through divorce. Also get advice about the timing of filing for divorce, how you can protect joint assets and what the likely timeline of filing and settlement are and what you can expect in terms of assets, alimony, etc. in divorce. You may not feel ready for divorce, but you do need information about that option at a minimum at this stage.

If you do not have access to your own money because you are unemployed, you need to start skimming money from any joint accounts you have access to. All income coming into the marriage is joint income, so do not feel bad about "skimming" if you do not have accounts in your name only. Take cash out when you go to the gas station, the grocery and the pharmacy. Set up your own bank account and opt for electronic statements.

Here are some other resources:

Read Francis Mondimore's Bipolar: A Guide for Patients and Families. This is an excellent primer on bipolar.

Also read Xavier Amador's "I'm not sick; I don't need help" -- Patients with bipolar often experience "anosognosia," which is an inability to recognize that oneself is sick. This is what is happening with your DH right now. It is VERY common for bipolar patients not to recognize their own mania. They think everything is great and they are at their best in life and everyone else is the problem.

Go to the bpso.org website. Read everything there. Click on "bpso membership" and sign up for the bpso email listserv. Once you are on the listserv, write an introductory email with a description of what has been going on with your DH. I guarantee you, many people will respond to the list with similar situations. What you are describing is classic hypomania induced by SSRI.

Please, please, get yourself a job, any job ASAP. PP above is correct in saying that this is the tightest job market in years, but it could fall apart at any moment. There are signs of weakness in the economy. Our president is a nut job who could do something to trigger an economic down turn (like shutting down the government in order to avoid being impeached). And, we have an election next year, and the market is likely to plummet if a Democrat is elected because the market is mostly conservative Republicans and they hate Dems and Dem economic policy even though it saved their butts in our recent near Great Depression. Walk into a temp agency today and start temping. Save as much money as you can so that you can be ready to move out.

Change your behavior with your DH. As you can see, he is not in a rational state and will not respond to rational statements from you that you think his meds are off, he is in danger of losing his job, he can't/shouldn't speak to you meanly, etc. Do a 180. Interact with him very little and only politely and without much emotion. If he is irritable toward or physical to you, just withdraw and go to another room. Learn to use phrases that are non-responses. Things like -- "Hmm. That's interesting, I'll think about that, I hear what you're saying, etc."

Finally, please reach out to some friends or family. You must have someone here in DC. Choose at least a couple sympathetic people to tell. Get your own therapist, preferably one that specializes in mood disorders. If you are on your DH's health insurance, you can find someone in network that can help you. You may need to move out in a hurry if your DH gets violent, which is entirely possible. You can continue to try to help him, but you also have to recognize that being able to control him and force him to get help is not a realistic possibility. Get yourself prepared to file for divorce and move out.

FWIW, my DH experienced this SSRI induced bipolar. I had two kids at the time. I had to end the relationship. It wasn't until I kicked him out that he finally changed doctors and found one that understood what was going on and put him on a mood stabilizer. It made a huge difference. Sadly, it was too late to fix our relationship, but at least the kids and I got out safely. You might have to recognize that at a certain point, the best thing you can do for your DH is to leave him. Right now he blames you for his mood. But, once you are gone, he will not have you to blame and that may present a final wake up call for him.

I am not clear when you say you are "waiting to gain financial stability"? What is your employment situation? Your savings (both joint and individual)? Is there some event that will happen soon that you think will magically provide you financial stability (graduation? inheritance? )

Op here. I went to my doctor to get an std test who when I talked about DH immediately thought he may be having a manic episode due to his SSRIs. She told me to contact his prescribing GP and send an email to his therapist.

I reached out to the GP who called my DH in. He apparently told her that he is not bipolar and he is just depressed because he is unhappy in his marriage and as such stays out of the home as much as possible to get away from
Me. I scream and yell at him all the time so he feels abused and needs space. And he has been drinking a lot to cope with the breakdown of his marriage. She apparently gave him a bipolar quiz which he passed and told me she cleared him of any mental health issues. She thinks he is just deeply unhappy with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?

I'm so sorry.

You don't say in this update-- Did you ever go to his doctor(s) and do as several PPs advised back in August and tell his doctors about the huge change in behavior? Did you try to convince any doctor that your husband might be reacting to meds? Has he seen ANYone professional since you first posted? I'm guessing no. If you did approach his doctors what did they say or do? I'd contact them today if you haven't yet. But don't do it, then wait at home hoping a doctor is going to locate and help him.

What you describe above sounds like an extended manic period or maybe even a psychotic break ("psychotic" here goes not mean what you might picture from movies or TV, OP. It means breaking with reality -- as in, a mind that is not accepting reality/is living in its own reality). Whatever the label or diagnosis for him, clearly he's very mentally ill (or addicted to something you don't know about). It's past time to realize that while you want to help him, YOU are unprotected right now. As in, today, here, now.

Are your finances mingled? Joint accounts and joint credit cards? He could drain every penny. How are you paying your rent or mortgage and keeping a roof over your head? Direct debits? He could end those at any time. How are you keeping health insurance--is that through his employer? There's nothing to stop him from telling his HR department to drop you from insurance, other benefits. Is he even going to work? If he's never coming home, for all you know he might have quit or been fired. If you ask him about it it sounds as if he wouldn't answer or would just lie because his brain thinks you're an enemy. He may be unemployed and burning through all your money in his illness. It's tragic but if you are suddenly homeless, without income or insurance if you get sick, you will be dragged down into poverty worse than you can picture. You can't help him (if you're still inclined to) if you are yourself destitute and he won't communicate on finances or mortgage/rent, etc.

Please, please go out today and contact your nearest "women's center." These are all over the place. They help advise women who are in positions like yours, usually women trying to get out of a marriage. They can help you list what you need to do ASAP and can point you toward help. If you think "but I don't want a divorce so I won't go" then go anyway.

Go to your bank and find out if he's draining accounts. Do you have any accounts in your own name only? If not, get one. Check the credit cards immediately. Ensure your insurance is in place. Do you know any of his coworkers (not his boss) well enough to contact them outside work and ask if he's been at work? (That last one can be risky to do, though.)

Start finding ANY job. Working in a store, a coffee shop, anything to start an income. Are you job-hunting all these months and hoping for a career position in a specific field? Put it on hold and get some income going, no matter how basic the job seems.

This list seems overwhelming to you, I'm sure. That's why I'd get to a women's center (free) and get advice and support today. You need a list and a plan and there are considerations I'm missing here, for sure.

Are you safe, physically? Anyone you can stay with so if he comes home angry, you aren't around?

Op here. I work as a contractor and my contract is ending so I am desperately looking for any full time position with benefits so I can begin to leave my situation. Thankfully we have separate checking accounts so I have a few thousand saved. He is always going broke as he is spending his money on expensive dinners and drinks and hotels and Lyft rides and who knows what. We have a joint credit card that he keeps putting stuff on at the end of the month and it’s actuallu hurt my excellent credit.

I am looking for any jobs so I can gain financial freedom and have benefits on my own.

When ever I try to confront him about his cheating he falls into a rage and either runs away or emotionally abuses me and denies and lies. I live with him for now but he is never home and is an alternate schedule to me so we rarely cross paths. I miss my old husband desperately and feel sick to my stomach all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the SSRI’s have triggered mania. This is not uncommon. A major personality change like this required medical intervention. Call his prescribing doctor ASAP.

He went and talked to his doctor saying his wife was observing personality issues. She said he seemed fine and to keep taking the meds.

My guess is that it has nothing to do with the meds, rather this near death experience really put life's fragility into perspective.

The average 30 year old thinks they're going to live forever... or at least until 95, so when their mortality at such a young age is shoved in his face, you earn a new appreciation for life... but he's going off the deep end with it.

Maybe give him some time to come to grips with the incident? Who gives him the SSRI's, a psychologist or an MD? If he doesn't have someone to talk to, now's the time to put that in motion... immediately!

[Anonymous]

So, I have some experience with mentally ill partners. Here are some hard truths:

The only person you can save is yourself.

Only your husband can decide to get help. You can't do it for him.

Your partner may be sick, but that does not give them permission to treat you like this. Just because he has the stomach flu, that doesn't give him permission to throw up on YOU.


Get out as soon as possible. Alert his support network, make sure they are in the loop, but save yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?

I'm so sorry.

You don't say in this update-- Did you ever go to his doctor(s) and do as several PPs advised back in August and tell his doctors about the huge change in behavior? Did you try to convince any doctor that your husband might be reacting to meds? Has he seen ANYone professional since you first posted? I'm guessing no. If you did approach his doctors what did they say or do? I'd contact them today if you haven't yet. But don't do it, then wait at home hoping a doctor is going to locate and help him.

What you describe above sounds like an extended manic period or maybe even a psychotic break ("psychotic" here goes not mean what you might picture from movies or TV, OP. It means breaking with reality -- as in, a mind that is not accepting reality/is living in its own reality). Whatever the label or diagnosis for him, clearly he's very mentally ill (or addicted to something you don't know about). It's past time to realize that while you want to help him, YOU are unprotected right now. As in, today, here, now.

Are your finances mingled? Joint accounts and joint credit cards? He could drain every penny. How are you paying your rent or mortgage and keeping a roof over your head? Direct debits? He could end those at any time. How are you keeping health insurance--is that through his employer? There's nothing to stop him from telling his HR department to drop you from insurance, other benefits. Is he even going to work? If he's never coming home, for all you know he might have quit or been fired. If you ask him about it it sounds as if he wouldn't answer or would just lie because his brain thinks you're an enemy. He may be unemployed and burning through all your money in his illness. It's tragic but if you are suddenly homeless, without income or insurance if you get sick, you will be dragged down into poverty worse than you can picture. You can't help him (if you're still inclined to) if you are yourself destitute and he won't communicate on finances or mortgage/rent, etc.

Please, please go out today and contact your nearest "women's center." These are all over the place. They help advise women who are in positions like yours, usually women trying to get out of a marriage. They can help you list what you need to do ASAP and can point you toward help. If you think "but I don't want a divorce so I won't go" then go anyway.

Go to your bank and find out if he's draining accounts. Do you have any accounts in your own name only? If not, get one. Check the credit cards immediately. Ensure your insurance is in place. Do you know any of his coworkers (not his boss) well enough to contact them outside work and ask if he's been at work? (That last one can be risky to do, though.)

Start finding ANY job. Working in a store, a coffee shop, anything to start an income. Are you job-hunting all these months and hoping for a career position in a specific field? Put it on hold and get some income going, no matter how basic the job seems.

This list seems overwhelming to you, I'm sure. That's why I'd get to a women's center (free) and get advice and support today. You need a list and a plan and there are considerations I'm missing here, for sure.

Are you safe, physically? Anyone you can stay with so if he comes home angry, you aren't around?

Op here. I work as a contractor and my contract is ending so I am desperately looking for any full time position with benefits so I can begin to leave my situation. Thankfully we have separate checking accounts so I have a few thousand saved. He is always going broke as he is spending his money on expensive dinners and drinks and hotels and Lyft rides and who knows what. We have a joint credit card that he keeps putting stuff on at the end of the month and it’s actuallu hurt my excellent credit.

I am looking for any jobs so I can gain financial freedom and have benefits on my own.

When ever I try to confront him about his cheating he falls into a rage and either runs away or emotionally abuses me and denies and lies. I live with him for now but he is never home and is an alternate schedule to me so we rarely cross paths. I miss my old husband desperately and feel sick to my stomach all day.

OP, when your contract ends, you will be able to enroll in health care thru the ACA marketplace in your state. Losing your job, even a contract job, qualifies as a special enrollment reason that allows you to enroll outside the "open season". Call your state health insurance marketplace today and start shopping for replacement. The customer service people are often helpful in providing info about plans/premiums. Open season is Nov. and Dec., specific dates vary by state. Open Season means you do not have to have lost your job or have a reason to enroll -- anyone can buy a plan w/o pre-existing condition restrictions during open season. In addition, when you buy health insurance on the ACA market place, if you input your income, you will get a premium price with a subsidy that is proportional to your income. If you have no income, you will either qualify for substantial premium subsidy OR Medicaid. In addition, when your contract ends, you will have access to COBRA for 18 months. COBRA means that you can continue the health insurance plan you are on, but you are responsible for the entire premium payment. It is usually more expensive than the ACA marketplace insurance, but shop and compare based on your specific medical needs.

Health insurance is the only benefit you really need to get out of the house. Yes, other benefits like retirement, disability, etc. are important, but health insurance is the only critical one.

You need to get your name off the joint credit card, and you may have to cancel the card entirely to do so. I don't care if it's your only credit card. Go immediately and apply for another one - take any one you can get. You will still be responsible for the balance on the old card - make sure minimum payments are made. As you can see, DH is already hurting your financial stability. It is harder to rent an apartment with poor credit. Please consult an attorney about how to protect yourself financially. Even a 1 hour consult can greatly help you.

Start looking around at other apartments. You may need to take something with roommates, or a studio or a more suburban residence than you would otherwise like, but this is an emergency, so look for the cheapest livable situation.

Good luck in the job search. Look for a permanent job, but also prepare yourself to temp, Uber, waitress, tutor, holiday season work at department store or anything else. Any chance you can start a second job while you still have your contract job?

I'm very sorry to tell you that if you have approached your husband and his/her doctor, there is nothing more you can do to help him. It's a tragic situation, but there is no reason to throw your health, safety and future down the drain with him. In fact, putting on your own oxygen mask first is also an act of love for him -- only by creating a stable, powerful life for yourself would you be in any position to help him down the road should he begin to recognize that he needs help.

[Anonymous]

Op here. DH blew me off for dinner plans last night and never came home. He is not responding to my calls or texts. Wtf is he doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH blew me off for dinner plans last night and never came home. He is not responding to my calls or texts. Wtf is he doing?

At this point, you can not help him. Your marriage is dead. Please save yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH blew me off for dinner plans last night and never came home. He is not responding to my calls or texts. Wtf is he doing?

It seems you are surprised by this. Why is that? The behavior you describe is very extreme and severe, and has been for a long time. It would be a shock if he kept plans with you, at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH blew me off for dinner plans last night and never came home. He is not responding to my calls or texts. Wtf is he doing?

Stop calling him. Stop trying to reason with him. He is mentally ill. You have told hos physician that he is manic. You have told him. Neither will listen. the best thing you can do for yourself and him is to leave. See an attorney. Stop interacting with your DH and get out ASAP. Lock down finances and file ASAP. When you’re about to leave sit down and have an honest talk with key family and friends and tell them what you see in terms of illness snd ask yhem to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a health scare earlier this year followed by months of panic attacks until he was put on SSRIs.

His panic attacks have subsided but he has since become intolerable. Suddenly, I can't do anything right. I am mean and controlling. He goes out drinking as if he is a frat boy. He sleeps in and goes into work late. He has told me he watches movies at work most of the day. He has started working out (which is good) and is now talking about getting a motorbike.

He also says he hates his job and is bored by his domestic life. He has said he wishes he was Peter Pan because life sucks when you grow up.

I don't know what to do. Inst he too young to have a mid life crisis?

Look up "Peter Pan Syndrome"

[Anonymous]

Be grateful he turned into a loon while you are young. Divorce & remarry an adult.

[Anonymous]

#1 birth control like yesterday!?

[Anonymous]

You said you have separate accounts, so what financial independency are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Husband told me last night that he wants out. He has been miserable during our marriage and I cannot make him happy. He said he has been seeing other women and going out with them has made him realize how happy he can be. He said he is talking to an Asian woman and a white woman and both of them find him sexy and interesting. His therapist apparently encourages him and says she is surprised he didn’t cheat already given hot miserable he is. He has no remorse and feels completely justified in his cheating.

I am a crying mess.

[Anonymous]

How has it taken this long to call troll?