Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.
He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.
He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.
I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?
OP, I gave you advice at 08/05 13:16. I have been through what you are going through right now. Your DH is experiencing mania triggered by SSRI. All the signs are there -- increased irritability, staying up late at night and not sleeping, hypersexuality (the hookers and randoms), drinking, not going to work until 3 pm, etc. The drinking is an attempt to self-medicate to counter the hypomania in order to be able to sleep.
For the sake of your husband, please write a fax to the Doctor who is prescribing his SSRIs and describe factually all the behavior you are seeing with examples, and ask for the Dr. to stop or taper off the SSRI. State that you are concerned that his behavior is a harm to self or others -- that he may lose his job and has come close to hitting you. Include your contact information and state that you are willing to come in to a joint appointment. I would actually state that you are concerned and would like the doctor to consider whether your DH is experiencing SSRI-induced hypomania and ask the doctor to consider whether a mood stabilizer should be either switched out for the SSRI or used to augment the SSRI. Suggestion such a specific diagnosis can be a bit risky -- on the one hand, doctors hate having their medical judgment questioned, especially by a woman. On the other hand, you (and your DH) have nothing to lose; if he stays on the current course, he will lose his marriage, job, etc. The doctor may or may not contact you; it depends on their view of their responsibilities under HIPAA vs. their medical responsibilities to the patient. You can't do anything to control that.
The next thing you need to do is lock down financials. I know you have said that you are not financially stable. Do you have any $$ held jointly? You have to understand that your DH in this state is a financial risk to you. Debt accrued during the marriage is a joint responsibility. If your DH is running up bar and hooker tabs on a credit card, whether it's in his name only or joint, those debts are still 50% your responsibility. You need to take $500 from any joint or solo accounts and see an attorney. You need advice from the attorney about how to protect yourself financially both inside the marriage and through divorce. Also get advice about the timing of filing for divorce, how you can protect joint assets and what the likely timeline of filing and settlement are and what you can expect in terms of assets, alimony, etc. in divorce. You may not feel ready for divorce, but you do need information about that option at a minimum at this stage.
If you do not have access to your own money because you are unemployed, you need to start skimming money from any joint accounts you have access to. All income coming into the marriage is joint income, so do not feel bad about "skimming" if you do not have accounts in your name only. Take cash out when you go to the gas station, the grocery and the pharmacy. Set up your own bank account and opt for electronic statements.
Here are some other resources:
Read Francis Mondimore's Bipolar: A Guide for Patients and Families. This is an excellent primer on bipolar.
Also read Xavier Amador's "I'm not sick; I don't need help" -- Patients with bipolar often experience "anosognosia," which is an inability to recognize that oneself is sick. This is what is happening with your DH right now. It is VERY common for bipolar patients not to recognize their own mania. They think everything is great and they are at their best in life and everyone else is the problem.
Go to the bpso.org website. Read everything there. Click on "bpso membership" and sign up for the bpso email listserv. Once you are on the listserv, write an introductory email with a description of what has been going on with your DH. I guarantee you, many people will respond to the list with similar situations. What you are describing is classic hypomania induced by SSRI.
Please, please, get yourself a job, any job ASAP. PP above is correct in saying that this is the tightest job market in years, but it could fall apart at any moment. There are signs of weakness in the economy. Our president is a nut job who could do something to trigger an economic down turn (like shutting down the government in order to avoid being impeached). And, we have an election next year, and the market is likely to plummet if a Democrat is elected because the market is mostly conservative Republicans and they hate Dems and Dem economic policy even though it saved their butts in our recent near Great Depression. Walk into a temp agency today and start temping. Save as much money as you can so that you can be ready to move out.
Change your behavior with your DH. As you can see, he is not in a rational state and will not respond to rational statements from you that you think his meds are off, he is in danger of losing his job, he can't/shouldn't speak to you meanly, etc. Do a 180. Interact with him very little and only politely and without much emotion. If he is irritable toward or physical to you, just withdraw and go to another room. Learn to use phrases that are non-responses. Things like -- "Hmm. That's interesting, I'll think about that, I hear what you're saying, etc."
Finally, please reach out to some friends or family. You must have someone here in DC. Choose at least a couple sympathetic people to tell. Get your own therapist, preferably one that specializes in mood disorders. If you are on your DH's health insurance, you can find someone in network that can help you. You may need to move out in a hurry if your DH gets violent, which is entirely possible. You can continue to try to help him, but you also have to recognize that being able to control him and force him to get help is not a realistic possibility. Get yourself prepared to file for divorce and move out.
FWIW, my DH experienced this SSRI induced bipolar. I had two kids at the time. I had to end the relationship. It wasn't until I kicked him out that he finally changed doctors and found one that understood what was going on and put him on a mood stabilizer. It made a huge difference. Sadly, it was too late to fix our relationship, but at least the kids and I got out safely. You might have to recognize that at a certain point, the best thing you can do for your DH is to leave him. Right now he blames you for his mood. But, once you are gone, he will not have you to blame and that may present a final wake up call for him.
I am not clear when you say you are "waiting to gain financial stability"? What is your employment situation? Your savings (both joint and individual)? Is there some event that will happen soon that you think will magically provide you financial stability (graduation? inheritance? )
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