30 year old DH blowing up his life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband told me last night that he wants out. He has been miserable during our marriage and I cannot make him happy. He said he has been seeing other women and going out with them has made him realize how happy he can be. He said he is talking to an Asian woman and a white woman and both of them find him sexy and interesting. His therapist apparently encourages him and says she is surprised he didn’t cheat already given hot miserable he is. He has no remorse and feels completely justified in his cheating.

I am a crying mess.

I’m very sorry to hear this. Please know this isn’t about you, despite what he and his therapist say. (BTW, how do you know what the therapist says - is it a couples therapist who is talking directly with you? or him describing what his therapist is telling him?). No one deserves to be cheated on. The appropriate response to unhappiness in a marriage is counseling, trial separation or divorce. What is happening with your STBX is mania driven by medication. The proof is that his behavior/dissatisfaction extends beyond issues with you and to job, drinking risk-taking, etc.

It’s tragic that his mania is not recognized by the psychiatrist and therapist, but very common because people with bipolar don’t recognize their own mood shifts. Nonetheless, if you have expressed your concerns to doctor and therapist and him, there is nothing more to be done.

Please get yourself and attorney and a therapist., ASAP.

[Anonymous]

He’s lying about what his therapist is saying. He’s not grounded in reality right now — he’s unwell — so you can’t really trust a word of what he’s saying. Nor can you remain married to him.

You’ve posted a lot about your marriage (over a period of months) and he’s threatened many times to leave...told you many times it’s over...but I think you are going to have to be the one to leave. He’s going to continue acting crazy but he’s not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s lying about what his therapist is saying. He’s not grounded in reality right now — he’s unwell — so you can’t really trust a word of what he’s saying. Nor can you remain married to him.

You’ve posted a lot about your marriage (over a period of months) and he’s threatened many times to leave...told you many times it’s over...but I think you are going to have to be the one to leave. He’s going to continue acting crazy but he’s not going anywhere.

+1. I would have thought this was obvious - you have to be the one to file and leave. Please visit a lawyer this week and get started. Pay for 1-2 hours of consult time and figure out what papers and accounts you have to close, get copies of, etc., and how to protect yourself financially. Think strategically with your lawyer - if you invited your ex to sign a pre-written divorce/settlement, would he do it? Or will you have to file and serve him?

Please be aware that it’s not uncommon for bipolar spouses to disappear during mania - and this complicates divorce enormously.

I know it seems overwhelming, but it’s best for you and him.

[Anonymous]

I came home from work and saw that he packed his duffel bag and left. Presumably to shack up with his gf. What is happening??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came home from work and saw that he packed his duffel bag and left. Presumably to shack up with his gf. What is happening??

Well, you’ve left to stay in hotels before, haven’t you? And then you reconciled? I don’t quite buy that he’s gone for good. But regardless, this marriage is over, OP. You must deal with that fact, both emotionally and logistically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came home from work and saw that he packed his duffel bag and left. Presumably to shack up with his gf. What is happening??

Well, you’ve left to stay in hotels before, haven’t you? And then you reconciled? I don’t quite buy that he’s gone for good. But regardless, this marriage is over, OP. You must deal with that fact, both emotionally and logistically.

+1

[Anonymous]

Please get therapy for yourself. If anything is clear in this is that you have some codependency and self esteem issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SSRIs. It is a major side effect. Becoming unhinged. BTDT. Sorry, maybe different meds?!

What is SSRI?

Selective Seratonin reuptake inhibitors. Seratonin is a neurotransmitter that affects happiness and mood. The drug prevents the seratonin’s reabsorption back into the neuron from which it came (reuptake).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How has it taken this long to call troll?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How has it taken this long to call troll?

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?

Why and how are you not employed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this?

Why and how are you not employed?

Read the thread. She said she's a contractor whose contract will be ending shortly and she has not found new post-contract employment. Not such a surprise. She views herself as unstable because she has very little in the bank (a few thousand) and doesn't have any job lined up for after the contract ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a health scare earlier this year followed by months of panic attacks until he was put on SSRIs.

His panic attacks have subsided but he has since become intolerable. Suddenly, I can't do anything right. I am mean and controlling. He goes out drinking as if he is a frat boy. He sleeps in and goes into work late. He has told me he watches movies at work most of the day. He has started working out (which is good) and is now talking about getting a motorbike.

He also says he hates his job and is bored by his domestic life. He has said he wishes he was Peter Pan because life sucks when you grow up.

I don't know what to do. Inst he too young to have a mid life crisis?

No one in North America calls it a "motorbike". Where are you located, OP?

OP is Indian. I have an Indian friend who calls motoycycles "motorbikes".

[Anonymous]

OP, a psychiatrist explained to me once: people who can't find happiness as they are, are always trying to change everything else in their environments, like their partners, their jobs or their locations. But making drastic changes never makes them happy. They first have to address their own issues, whether it's depression or something else, so that they're happy in their own skin.

The psychiatrist told me this in connection with my XDH, who may share things in common with your DH. XDH struggled with mental issues for years, some diagnosed (ADHD, severe depression) and probably some undiagnosed (bipolar, like his brother who has a bipolar diagnosis). For 20 years, XDH was always trying to uproot our lives with suggested cross-state moves and major job changes that were unrealistic given his credentials and lack of work ethic. Finally he decided that I was the problem and left. When he left, he was clearly in some sort of manic phase or over-medicated. His high school friends reached out to me about a bunch of really dumb decisions he made in the months just after leaving. Six months later, he was hospitalized with a breakdown.

You will need to decide if it's possible to dial your XDH's issues back with changes to his medication, or if it's too late. And you will need to decide how much you can take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a health scare earlier this year followed by months of panic attacks until he was put on SSRIs.

His panic attacks have subsided but he has since become intolerable. Suddenly, I can't do anything right. I am mean and controlling. He goes out drinking as if he is a frat boy. He sleeps in and goes into work late. He has told me he watches movies at work most of the day. He has started working out (which is good) and is now talking about getting a motorbike.

He also says he hates his job and is bored by his domestic life. He has said he wishes he was Peter Pan because life sucks when you grow up.

I don't know what to do. Inst he too young to have a mid life crisis?

No one in North America calls it a "motorbike". Where are you located, OP?

OP is Indian. I have an Indian friend who calls motoycycles "motorbikes".

Uh, I'm from INDIANA (a Hoosier) and we use the term 'motorbike'.