Reply to 30 year old DH blowing up his life

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. It has now been 3 months and my DH behavior has completely deteriorated. He refuses to come home and stays out all day every day until 4 am or sleeps overnight. He says he is “sleeping at the office” but the gps tracker on his phone shows that he is out at bars and restaurants and then winds up at random addresses and hotels. I have spied multiple hookup apps on his phone and multiple random numbers that belong to random local women and even an escort service.

He cannot bear to be around me and screams and yells at me saying he hates me and I need to go away. When I tried to confront him
About his hookup app he screamed at me and threatened to kick me out and chased me around the apartment almost hitting me. He harbors so much anger and resentment towards me. He is drinking every night all night. He sleeps in until 2 pm and goes into work at 3 pm. He tells everyone he is depressed because of his crazy wife that won’t stop screaming at him and falsely accusing him of cheating.

He has suddenly withdrawn all contact and affection from me. He acts so distant and cold and makes me feel like a worm.

I feel like I am in a fog. Im still around as I am not employed, and am waiting to gain financial stability. How will I survive this? [/quote]

I'm so sorry.

You don't say in this update-- Did you ever go to his doctor(s) and do as several PPs advised back in August and tell his doctors about the huge change in behavior? Did you try to convince any doctor that your husband might be reacting to meds? Has he seen ANYone professional since you first posted? I'm guessing no. If you did approach his doctors what did they say or do? I'd contact them today if you haven't yet. But don't do it, then wait at home hoping a doctor is going to locate and help him.

What you describe above sounds like an extended manic period or maybe even a psychotic break ("psychotic" here goes not mean what you might picture from movies or TV, OP. It means breaking with reality -- as in, a mind that is not accepting reality/is living in its own reality). Whatever the label or diagnosis for him, clearly he's very mentally ill (or addicted to something you don't know about). It's past time to realize that while you want to help him, YOU are unprotected right now. As in, today, here, now.

Are your finances mingled? Joint accounts and joint credit cards? He could drain every penny. How are you paying your rent or mortgage and keeping a roof over your head? Direct debits? He could end those at any time. How are you keeping health insurance--is that through his employer? There's nothing to stop him from telling his HR department to drop you from insurance, other benefits. Is he even going to work? If he's never coming home, for all you know he might have quit or been fired. If you ask him about it it sounds as if he wouldn't answer or would just lie because his brain thinks you're an enemy. He may be unemployed and burning through all your money in his illness. It's tragic but if you are suddenly homeless, without income or insurance if you get sick, you will be dragged down into poverty worse than you can picture. You can't help him (if you're still inclined to) if you are yourself destitute and he won't communicate on finances or mortgage/rent, etc.

Please, please go out today and contact your nearest "women's center." These are all over the place. They help advise women who are in positions like yours, usually women trying to get out of a marriage. They can help you list what you need to do ASAP and can point you toward help. If you think "but I don't want a divorce so I won't go" then go anyway.

Go to your bank and find out if he's draining accounts. Do you have any accounts in your own name only? If not, get one. Check the credit cards immediately. Ensure your insurance is in place. Do you know any of his coworkers (not his boss) well enough to contact them outside work and ask if he's been at work? (That last one can be risky to do, though.)

Start finding ANY job. Working in a store, a coffee shop, anything to start an income. Are you job-hunting all these months and hoping for a career position in a specific field? Put it on hold and get some income going, no matter how basic the job seems.

This list seems overwhelming to you, I'm sure. That's why I'd get to a women's center (free) and get advice and support today. You need a list and a plan and there are considerations I'm missing here, for sure.

Are you safe, physically? Anyone you can stay with so if he comes home angry, you aren't around? [/quote]

Op here. I work as a contractor and [b]my contract is ending so I am desperately looking for any full time position with benefits[/b] so I can begin to leave my situation. Thankfully we have separate checking accounts so I have a few thousand saved. He is always going broke as he is spending his money on expensive dinners and drinks and hotels and Lyft rides and who knows what. We have a joint credit card that he keeps putting stuff on at the end of the month and it’s actuallu hurt my excellent credit.

I am looking for any jobs so I can gain financial freedom and have benefits on my own.

When ever I try to confront him about his cheating he falls into a rage and either runs away or emotionally abuses me and denies and lies. I live with him for now but he is never home and is an alternate schedule to me so we rarely cross paths. I miss my old husband desperately and feel sick to my stomach all day. [/quote]

OP, when your contract ends, you will be able to enroll in health care thru the ACA marketplace in your state.  Losing your job, even a contract job, qualifies as a special enrollment reason that allows you to enroll outside the "open season".  Call your state health insurance marketplace today and start shopping for replacement.  The customer service people are often helpful in providing info about plans/premiums.  Open season is Nov. and Dec., specific dates vary by state.  Open Season means you do not have to have lost your job or have a reason to enroll -- anyone can buy a plan w/o pre-existing condition restrictions during open season.  In addition, when you buy health insurance on the ACA market place, if you input your income, you will get a premium price with a subsidy that is proportional to your income.  If you have no income, you will either qualify for substantial premium subsidy OR Medicaid.  In addition, when your contract ends, you will have access to COBRA for 18 months.  COBRA means that you can continue the health insurance plan you are on, but you are responsible for the entire premium payment.  It is usually more expensive than the ACA marketplace insurance, but shop and compare based on your specific medical needs.

Health insurance is the only benefit you really need to get out of the house.  Yes, other benefits like retirement, disability, etc. are important, but health insurance is the only critical one.

You need to get your name off the joint credit card, and you may have to cancel the card entirely to do so.  I don't care if it's your only credit card.  Go immediately and apply for another one - take any one you can get.  You will still be responsible for the balance on the old card - make sure minimum payments are made.  As you can see, DH is already hurting your financial stability.  It is harder to rent an apartment with poor credit.  Please consult an attorney about how to protect yourself financially.  Even a 1 hour consult can greatly help you.

Start looking around at other apartments.  You may need to take something with roommates, or a studio or a more suburban residence than you would otherwise like, but this is an emergency, so look for the cheapest livable situation.

Good luck in the job search. Look for a permanent job, but also prepare yourself to temp, Uber, waitress, tutor, holiday season work at department store or anything else.  Any chance you can start a second job while you still have your contract job?

I'm very sorry to tell you that if you have approached your husband and his/her doctor, there is nothing more you can do to help him.  It's a tragic situation, but there is no reason to throw your health, safety and future down the drain with him.  In fact, putting on your own oxygen mask first is also an act of love for him -- only by creating a stable, powerful life for yourself would you be in any position to help him down the road should he begin to recognize that he needs help.  [/quote]

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