Women enslaved to their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

Great question. No real man is going to let his son grow up to be a mamma's boy. That shit is embarrassing. How would a man feel if her comes home from work and sees his son laying around, eating up all the food you bought, basically living off you. Dad is either checked out or not in the boy's life. Or may be a boy himself and not a man.

Agreed. Why are men allowing this dysfunction?

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP- but I have a twelve year old DS whom I love dearly, but couldn't find his butt with both hands. We try chores, expectations, consequences, etc., but I seriously believe in our case, and possibly in some others, that young men/ boys are a little behind in the executive functions.

The answer is to learn the difference between helping (scaffolding, skill building, accountability that these kids can manage) and not to enable. Some parents continue to do too much because they get in the bad habit and the boys (and maybe girls too) never acquire the skills because mama and daddy help too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 28, dumbass. Not 38.

Apologies - he's 28. Better but long past the age he should have flown the nest.

I’m the poster of this comment. He can fly the nest anytime he wants. There is no strict expectation on him or any other kids to stay with family but there is no judgment on them if they choose to stay. We like his company and he likes ours. It’s also very nice to have another adult available in the house. When he flies the nest, he will be able to get a nice one of his own due to all the money he saved on account of not having to pay rent. He’s a responsible young man and helps us so we don’t mind helping him. It’s entirely his voice.

On the flip side, my DH at 28 had a law degree, a wife, a lovely townhome, and a baby on the way. Your son is not much of a catch living at home.

I don't understand your problem with this situation -- this is clearly a financial and social arrangement that is working for both the son and the parents. If this mother is to be believed, her son buys groceries, takes care of himself, works, and is saving money. They are providing him with lodging and meal prep. There is nothing that indicates that this man is incapable of living on his own or that anything is being taken for granted. YOU may not see someone who lives with family as a catch, but the hefty house downpayment that he is likely saving up may send "good catch" signals to others. This is a completely different situation from having an unemployed layabout mooching off the 'rents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

Great question. No real man is going to let his son grow up to be a mamma's boy. That shit is embarrassing. How would a man feel if her comes home from work and sees his son laying around, eating up all the food you bought, basically living off you. Dad is either checked out or not in the boy's life. Or may be a boy himself and not a man.

Agreed. Why are men allowing this dysfunction?

They don’t want to break up their family. Often the other children aren’t enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

Great question. No real man is going to let his son grow up to be a mamma's boy. That shit is embarrassing. How would a man feel if her comes home from work and sees his son laying around, eating up all the food you bought, basically living off you. Dad is either checked out or not in the boy's life. Or may be a boy himself and not a man.

Agreed. Why are men allowing this dysfunction?

Son is a mommy’s boy and daughter is daddy’s girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know OP- but I have a twelve year old DS whom I love dearly, but couldn't find his butt with both hands. We try chores, expectations, consequences, etc., but I seriously believe in our case, and possibly in some others, that young men/ boys are a little behind in the executive functions.

The answer is to learn the difference between helping (scaffolding, skill building, accountability that these kids can manage) and not to enable. Some parents continue to do too much because they get in the bad habit and the boys (and maybe girls too) never acquire the skills because mama and daddy help too much.

I think you nailed it, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 28, dumbass. Not 38.

Apologies - he's 28. Better but long past the age he should have flown the nest.

I’m the poster of this comment. He can fly the nest anytime he wants. There is no strict expectation on him or any other kids to stay with family but there is no judgment on them if they choose to stay. We like his company and he likes ours. It’s also very nice to have another adult available in the house. When he flies the nest, he will be able to get a nice one of his own due to all the money he saved on account of not having to pay rent. He’s a responsible young man and helps us so we don’t mind helping him. It’s entirely his voice.

On the flip side, my DH at 28 had a law degree, a wife, a lovely townhome, and a baby on the way. Your son is not much of a catch living at home.

But what about you PP do you have a job and income independent of your DH’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if any other women in my age group (40s) have observed this among their peers. I work with a number of doting mothers who have millennial aged sons with various undiagnosed "problems". The young men live at home and seem to be incapable of fending for themselves. All are avid gamers, none work, none can drive, mother does everything for them. It was just today when I was having lunch with a colleague and she told me how tired she was because little (21 year old) Johnny's gaming session at a friend's house didn't end until 2am and she had to pick him up that I realised how many women I know are in this exact same situation with their sons. None of them complain really, they speak with concern about the anxiety or whatever else could possibly be wrong with their boys, and they are always so worried about causing the poor things stress, they can't push them to change, what if it makes them worse? I will emphasise here, it does not sound like there is anything so terribly wrong with these young men that they need to sit at home all the time and be waited on, all completed normal schooling then just didn't do anything with their lives.

So just in my work circle alone I count 5 women with these useless man children (one of them has 2), but I am yet to meet a woman who is held hostage by a daughter. What are your experiences? What the hell is going on?

My mom is held hostage by my brother and my dad is held hostage (sometimes literally) by my sister.

I think my parents felt guilt (over divorce, working long hours, etc) and so indulged us all. Easier to cater to kids' whims than to develop a meaningful relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't kids getting child development (parenting) class in high school?

The dysfunction is epidemic.

[Anonymous]

The mothers use the sins for emotional reasons and companionship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

Great question. No real man is going to let his son grow up to be a mamma's boy. That shit is embarrassing. How would a man feel if her comes home from work and sees his son laying around, eating up all the food you bought, basically living off you. Dad is either checked out or not in the boy's life. Or may be a boy himself and not a man.

Agreed. Why are men allowing this dysfunction?

Son is a mommy’s boy and daughter is daddy’s girl.

This is so true! And now that I think about it really, really creepy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several people like this to a lesser degree - like, the sons drive but don't have their own cars so they take mom's. I don't know what the root of it is but I do recognize it's an issue, and it does appear to be gendered.

OTOH, I know many grandparents with their young adult daughters and her kid/kids living in their home, where the grandparents have to put in a lot of work watching kids and financially supporting that family unit. That's also gendered, although in my experience the daughters are always working or going to school or both.

From my personal survey over 2 decades, I know few parents with sons at home. I know several families with adult daughters at home, with and without children, who are underemployed or are not working at all. This is Northern Va.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

Since when is misogyny called a “standard?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I place the blame squarely on the parents. Your job as a parent is to prepare you for adulthood. That means independence. Financial, spiritual, emotional, physical mental......independence. We need to do a better job as parents actively raising our kids to become adult we can be proud of.

Eh. Raising kids is harder than it looks. There's a lot of luck involved.

Well that’s a backwards passive attitude. Grow up in communist eastern Europe or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I place the blame squarely on the parents. Your job as a parent is to prepare you for adulthood. That means independence. Financial, spiritual, emotional, physical mental......independence. We need to do a better job as parents actively raising our kids to become adult we can be proud of.

Eh. Raising kids is harder than it looks. There's a lot of luck involved.

Well that’s a backwards passive attitude. Grow up in communist eastern Europe or something?

How old are your darlings? 6 and 8?