Women enslaved to their sons.

[Anonymous]

Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if any other women in my age group (40s) have observed this among their peers. I work with a number of doting mothers who have millennial aged sons with various undiagnosed "problems". The young men live at home and seem to be incapable of fending for themselves. All are avid gamers, none work, none can drive, mother does everything for them. It was just today when I was having lunch with a colleague and she told me how tired she was because little (21 year old) Johnny's gaming session at a friend's house didn't end until 2am and she had to pick him up that I realised how many women I know are in this exact same situation with their sons. None of them complain really, they speak with concern about the anxiety or whatever else could possibly be wrong with their boys, and they are always so worried about causing the poor things stress, they can't push them to change, what if it makes them worse? I will emphasise here, it does not sound like there is anything so terribly wrong with these young men that they need to sit at home all the time and be waited on, all completed normal schooling then just didn't do anything with their lives.

So just in my work circle alone I count 5 women with these useless man children (one of them has 2), but I am yet to meet a woman who is held hostage by a daughter. What are your experiences? What the hell is going on?

Not just women. My parents have close friends who are pushing 70 and cannot retire because neither of their 40+ year old children (son and daughter) are self sufficient. They are both "artistic" and simply do not earn enough through their artistic endeavors to actually support themselves, so their parents have to supplement their incomes. The son lives in a 1 bedroom condo purchased for him by the parents, the daughter is at home. She briefly moved out in her 20s to get married, but that lasted two years and she moved right back in after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

DP here. Wow! What a nasty bitchy comment to make!!
MYOB.

It's a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. He's 38, still living at home, eating his mother's cooking, and having a house and all household tasks taken care of by a female or someone other than himself.

He'll expect the same of his wife since he's never had to do it himself. And if he isn't careful picking out the wife with the traditional values of the culture his mother grew up in - their marriage will be fraught with tension and accusations.

[Anonymous]

My next door neighbors have a failure to launch son. He has a good job, but doesn't appear to have any social life outside of his parents. They finally got him to move out on his own last year but he's still at their house for the entire weekend, every weekend. He is in his early 30s. No sign of a girlfriend/boyfriend or even one friend. If my neighbors have plans or are just out and about, the son still comes and just sits at the house by himself.

[Anonymous]

OP—what type of work/business do you do thatnyou are surrounded by so many enabling parents?

[Anonymous]

I place the blame squarely on the parents. Your job as a parent is to prepare you for adulthood. That means independence. Financial, spiritual, emotional, physical mental......independence. We need to do a better job as parents actively raising our kids to become adult we can be proud of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

DP here. Wow! What a nasty bitchy comment to make!!
MYOB.

It's a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. He's 38, still living at home, eating his mother's cooking, and having a house and all household tasks taken care of by a female or someone other than himself.

He'll expect the same of his wife since he's never had to do it himself. And if he isn't careful picking out the wife with the traditional values of the culture his mother grew up in - their marriage will be fraught with tension and accusations.

Well, yeah, his mom cooks for the family, but from the original post it sounds like he does quite a bit more than many men who consider themselves oh-so-enlightened.

[Anonymous]

He is 28, dumbass. Not 38.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where’s dad in all this? What’s his role?

Great question. No real man is going to let his son grow up to be a mamma's boy. That shit is embarrassing. How would a man feel if her comes home from work and sees his son laying around, eating up all the food you bought, basically living off you. Dad is either checked out or not in the boy's life. Or may be a boy himself and not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 28, dumbass. Not 38.

Apologies - he's 28. Better but long past the age he should have flown the nest.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my 40s and everyone I know has sons still in preschool. We clearly know different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of field/cultural background are you from that you know so many people like this? I don't know any.

Agreed and there are a ton of 18-28 year old males in my extended family. None are like this. All worked numerous jobs during HS/college and all are the ones post-college are living out on their own or with roommates. The oldest just got married to a doctor.

I have 2 teens and this is not something I foresee in my future. Mine started their own lawn mowing business and are good students, good athletes, motivated and independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I place the blame squarely on the parents. Your job as a parent is to prepare you for adulthood. That means independence. Financial, spiritual, emotional, physical mental......independence. We need to do a better job as parents actively raising our kids to become adult we can be proud of.

Eh. Raising kids is harder than it looks. There's a lot of luck involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 28, dumbass. Not 38.

Apologies - he's 28. Better but long past the age he should have flown the nest.

I’m the poster of this comment. He can fly the nest anytime he wants. There is no strict expectation on him or any other kids to stay with family but there is no judgment on them if they choose to stay. We like his company and he likes ours. It’s also very nice to have another adult available in the house. When he flies the nest, he will be able to get a nice one of his own due to all the money he saved on account of not having to pay rent. He’s a responsible young man and helps us so we don’t mind helping him. It’s entirely his voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I place the blame squarely on the parents. Your job as a parent is to prepare you for adulthood. That means independence. Financial, spiritual, emotional, physical mental......independence. We need to do a better job as parents actively raising our kids to become adult we can be proud of.

How old are your children, PP? If any are over 18, where are they living?