Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so weird to me that people on DCUM are so judgmental about people spending money on fancy weddings. Posters are constantly bragging about their 6k square foot house in Bethesda, $20k European vacation, new Tesla, and kid who’s a lifer at Landon, but for some reason when it comes to weddings, everyone acts like you’re a vapid moron for having an expensive wedding.

It is literally a big fancy party you throw to celebrate yourself and solicit gifts. You actully might be a vapid moron if you spend 50k just to have people look at you in a white dress.

And having a 6k square foot house is wasteful and unnecessary. A $20k vacation is literally a self-indulgent gift to yourself. A Tesla is an objectively inferior vehicle that people buy for the purpose of showing that they can afford a fancy car.

Why do we judge weddings differently when we’re so willing to say “you do you” for the other things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so weird to me that people on DCUM are so judgmental about people spending money on fancy weddings. Posters are constantly bragging about their 6k square foot house in Bethesda, $20k European vacation, new Tesla, and kid who’s a lifer at Landon, but for some reason when it comes to weddings, everyone acts like you’re a vapid moron for having an expensive wedding.

It is literally a big fancy party you throw to celebrate yourself and solicit gifts. You actully might be a vapid moron if you spend 50k just to have people look at you in a white dress.

And having a 6k square foot house is wasteful and unnecessary. A $20k vacation is literally a self-indulgent gift to yourself. A Tesla is an objectively inferior vehicle that people buy for the purpose of showing that they can afford a fancy car.

Why do we judge weddings differently when we’re so willing to say “you do you” for the other things?

I’d disagree that weddings are selfish too.

Dh and I married young. But we thought it was important to have our families there and to have witnesses to our marriage. Everything we did and paid for was for our guests. Things that were about us (photography, dress, no honeymoon suite) were done on the cheap. All that being said, our wedding was an investment in us. We were only doing it once and it was symbolic. We paid for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so weird to me that people on DCUM are so judgmental about people spending money on fancy weddings. Posters are constantly bragging about their 6k square foot house in Bethesda, $20k European vacation, new Tesla, and kid who’s a lifer at Landon, but for some reason when it comes to weddings, everyone acts like you’re a vapid moron for having an expensive wedding.

It is literally a big fancy party you throw to celebrate yourself and solicit gifts. You actully might be a vapid moron if you spend 50k just to have people look at you in a white dress.

And having a 6k square foot house is wasteful and unnecessary. A $20k vacation is literally a self-indulgent gift to yourself. A Tesla is an objectively inferior vehicle that people buy for the purpose of showing that they can afford a fancy car.

Why do we judge weddings differently when we’re so willing to say “you do you” for the other things?

I’d disagree that weddings are selfish too.

Dh and I married young. But we thought it was important to have our families there and to have witnesses to our marriage. Everything we did and paid for was for our guests. Things that were about us (photography, dress, no honeymoon suite) were done on the cheap. All that being said, our wedding was an investment in us. We were only doing it once and it was symbolic. We paid for it all.

A wedding is not an investment. An investment is defined as “the action or process of investing money for profit or material result.” So, unless you married for money (as e.g. Melania did), a wedding is not an “investment.”

If what you really mean is that you view your wedding as a commitment, then yes, that makes sense. But whether you spend five dollars or $500,000 on that wedding, the commitment is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were getting married at my in-laws church and my dad and us could only afford a modest amount so it was going to be a small wedding. My in-laws offered to pay for a larger wedding but I knew my dad would not accept it. So a couple of weeks before the wedding my in-laws threw a very nice picnic in their back yard for their friends who would not be at the wedding. It was a great solution.

Why is your dad king of the decision making?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters that say it depends on your social circle. My parents specifically had a wedding fund for me and my sister so that they could pay for the entire wedding. I was always told about this growing up so it wasn’t unexpected. I was 26 when I got married and in law school so paying for my own wedding would not have been an option.

Objection!

Paying for your own wedding is always an option. Perhaps you would have just had to spend a lot less money on it...

Or gotten married a year or two later than you did. Yes, you could have paid for your wedding.

This. That's nice that your parents paid for the weddings as weddings must have been important to them if they started wedding funds for their little kids. It really is sweet. But paying for your own wedding was absolutely an option. It's not big expensive wedding or remain single. The norm in my family and social circle growing up was big, elaborate weddings paid for by the bride's family, but others certainly diverged from this and were no less married in the end. Even in UC circles, elopement is accepted with or without a party later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were getting married at my in-laws church and my dad and us could only afford a modest amount so it was going to be a small wedding. My in-laws offered to pay for a larger wedding but I knew my dad would not accept it. So a couple of weeks before the wedding my in-laws threw a very nice picnic in their back yard for their friends who would not be at the wedding. It was a great solution.

Why is your dad king of the decision making?

DP here, but I'm guessing the pp didn't want to trample her dad's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married three years ago. My parents gave $5K as a gift - like delivered the day before the wedding (so that money didn’t actually help pay for the wedding).

My parents also gave my brother $5K when he got married 18 years ago. He’s now divorced and engaged again. No idea what the rate is for second marriages.

Anyway, my parents specifically said they’d pay for the ring (!) and then they offered to pay for the ceremony only. We declined both offers because we wanted to pick out what we wanted (and didn’t want to hear “gee, I can’t believe this costs so much, so I went on google and ordered something from amazon instead).

Team = set amount

Lollllll "pay for ceremony only". My ceremony was free. We're religious and it was in our church. Unless the ceremony also means the church flowers, wedding dress and organ too?

My in laws paid for rehearsal dinner only. We didn't know what that meant so we did what we're could afford. I spend days making pulled pork butt and sides. Total cost was $100. That's all my inlaws gave us. Didn't even pay for their plates at my wedding.

Catholic churches give couples a "suggested donation." And it's not cheap, depending on the church.

[Anonymous]

Not the whole thing maybe but it's definitely still a thing for parents to give their kids a big chunk of change to cover most of it.

Groom's parents should give nowadays too.

We're planning to give each of our kids 50k to do what they want with.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

+1

We are paying for them to attend private colleges and graduate with no debt.

If we can, we will help with graduate school and with a down payment on a house.

I would love to start a college fund for grandchildren, if we have them.

And we will give them a modest sum towards their weddings, e.g. $5,000 maybe?

We will not fund an extravagant party to celebrate getting married.

The marriage is important; the wedding is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

+1

We are paying for them to attend private colleges and graduate with no debt.

If we can, we will help with graduate school and with a down payment on a house.

I would love to start a college fund for grandchildren, if we have them.

And we will give them a modest sum towards their weddings, e.g. $5,000 maybe?

We will not fund an extravagant party to celebrate getting married.

The marriage is important; the wedding is not.

Okay well some of us had in-laws who paid for neither college, downpayment or wedding. But paid for their daughters weddings instead. We got a token $250 gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

+1

We are paying for them to attend private colleges and graduate with no debt.

If we can, we will help with graduate school and with a down payment on a house.

I would love to start a college fund for grandchildren, if we have them.

And we will give them a modest sum towards their weddings, e.g. $5,000 maybe?

We will not fund an extravagant party to celebrate getting married.

The marriage is important; the wedding is not.

Okay well some of us had in-laws who paid for neither college, downpayment or wedding. But paid for their daughters weddings instead. We got a token $250 gift.

Seriously, I don't even remember or care what the in-laws did or did not give us as a wedding present. Heck, dh and I didn't even take a honeymoon. We've never had an entire weekend away without our kids. Yet, somehow our life together has been truly wonderful together. Our nest will be empty soon and we've got our whole lives together.

[Anonymous]

Just be upfront about what you plan to offer and are willing to pay. My parents told me at the beginning of my wedding planning that they would give me x amount of money and would buy my dress. They gave the same x amount to my siblings (brothers and sisters), the brides just got the extra for our dresses.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to and want to, yes. If it would be a hardship, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were getting married at my in-laws church and my dad and us could only afford a modest amount so it was going to be a small wedding. My in-laws offered to pay for a larger wedding but I knew my dad would not accept it. So a couple of weeks before the wedding my in-laws threw a very nice picnic in their back yard for their friends who would not be at the wedding. It was a great solution.

Why is your dad king of the decision making?

His house, his money, his decision. See how that works? Not np.