Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were getting married at my in-laws church and my dad and us could only afford a modest amount so it was going to be a small wedding. My in-laws offered to pay for a larger wedding but I knew my dad would not accept it. So a couple of weeks before the wedding my in-laws threw a very nice picnic in their back yard for their friends who would not be at the wedding. It was a great solution.

Why is your dad king of the decision making?

His house, his money, his decision. See how that works? Not np.

His house? PP was an adult. Presumably she wasn’t living in her parents’ house.

His money? Quite the opposite. Her in-laws offered to pay for a larger wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

+1

We are paying for them to attend private colleges and graduate with no debt.

If we can, we will help with graduate school and with a down payment on a house.

I would love to start a college fund for grandchildren, if we have them.

And we will give them a modest sum towards their weddings, e.g. $5,000 maybe?

We will not fund an extravagant party to celebrate getting married.

The marriage is important; the wedding is not.

Okay well some of us had in-laws who paid for neither college, downpayment or wedding. But paid for their daughters weddings instead. We got a token $250 gift.

Seriously, I don't even remember or care what the in-laws did or did not give us as a wedding present. Heck, dh and I didn't even take a honeymoon. We've never had an entire weekend away without our kids. Yet, somehow our life together has been truly wonderful together. Our nest will be empty soon and we've got our whole lives together.

I’m not a bean counter but I remember what parents and siblings and grandparents gave as wedding presents. Even a $50 gift a sweet grandma gave when she could barely afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and in no way do I plan to contribute 50k. It's not because they are boys; it's because that's a completely ridiculous waste of money. I'd rather they get married on a beach somewhere with just immediate family and a handful of close friends. Weddings don't matter that much. It's the marriage that matters. Of course we'll chip in some money but if they want something over the top, that's kind of on them. I hope I'm raising them to recognize the difference between the important and the trivial.

+1

We are paying for them to attend private colleges and graduate with no debt.

If we can, we will help with graduate school and with a down payment on a house.

I would love to start a college fund for grandchildren, if we have them.

And we will give them a modest sum towards their weddings, e.g. $5,000 maybe?

We will not fund an extravagant party to celebrate getting married.

The marriage is important; the wedding is not.

Okay well some of us had in-laws who paid for neither college, downpayment or wedding. But paid for their daughters weddings instead. We got a token $250 gift.

Seriously, I don't even remember or care what the in-laws did or did not give us as a wedding present. Heck, dh and I didn't even take a honeymoon. We've never had an entire weekend away without our kids. Yet, somehow our life together has been truly wonderful together. Our nest will be empty soon and we've got our whole lives together.

I’m not a bean counter but I remember what parents and siblings and grandparents gave as wedding presents. Even a $50 gift a sweet grandma gave when she could barely afford it.

I remember it being a nice, memorable day and I remember being together and how happy we all were. I still have the cards that everyone gave us. I have the video of the wedding and the pictures. As far as whether or not the in-laws or anyone else gave "enough"....that has just never been on my radar. Wasn't then, wasn't now.

[Anonymous]

Weddings are fun! It is the one event that brings together people from all parts of your and your spouse’s lives. And most everyone shows up.

Sure, you shouldn’t go into debt over it, but I call BS on the “weddings aren’t important” and “I’m too virtuous to waste money on a wedding” ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are fun! It is the one event that brings together people from all parts of your and your spouse’s lives. And most everyone shows up.

Sure, you shouldn’t go into debt over it, but I call BS on the “weddings aren’t important” and “I’m too virtuous to waste money on a wedding” ideas.

I agree. I think if you are focused on the important parts of a wedding (your family and close friends, spending time, connecting over special moments) it can be a very meaningful day. I understand that money is a limited resource and agree you shouldn't go into debt, but getting married is a huge deal and I loved having all the people I cared about most with us for the weekend. You can't take it with you and I think it is worth celebrating big milestones.

[Anonymous]

We paid half, in Les paid a quarter, and my parents paid a quarter.

My friend and her spouse with divorced parents had 4 sets of remarried parents chipping in $5k-10k each. And this was in Ohio.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago we did ours on the cheap. I spent $100 on a dress, my husband wore one of his business suits. My husband hired a guy from work to be the photographer and he did a great job. Pianist, no band. Flowers were about $250. Mostly family and very close friends but with a big family it was about 80 people. I think the total cost was about $3-4000 which is all we could afford at the time. We spent a small fortune on our daughters weddings and I really loved the planning and the time I spent with them thinking everything through. I do regret not having that kind of experience with my mother as I did everything myself in terms of planning. But given that my husband and I have been very happy for 35 years the amount spent has nothing to do with marriage happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago we did ours on the cheap. I spent $100 on a dress, my husband wore one of his business suits. My husband hired a guy from work to be the photographer and he did a great job. Pianist, no band. Flowers were about $250. Mostly family and very close friends but with a big family it was about 80 people. I think the total cost was about $3-4000 which is all we could afford at the time. We spent a small fortune on our daughters weddings and I really loved the planning and the time I spent with them thinking everything through. I do regret not having that kind of experience with my mother as I did everything myself in terms of planning. But given that my husband and I have been very happy for 35 years the amount spent has nothing to do with marriage happiness.

You are aware of inflation, correct? Your wedding 35 years ago would be around $10k today. Not “extravagant” but I wouldn’t characterize that as “on the cheap” either. So funny how older folks forget about inflation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd is 26. We're not thrilled with this engagement, though we do love her fiance. They have been living together (with her fiance's parents) for the past 3-4 years. Are parents still paying for weddings these days?

No.

No.

And no.

[Anonymous]

In some cultures, absolutely a thing. My Cuban relatives still talk about how my dad didn’t pay for my wedding. For context, that was almost twenty years ago and so was divorced in 5 years.

Be very clear with your DD about what, if any, wedding financing you’ll do, under what circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I have a large family. DH does not. However, we got married later in life, most of our friends were already married, and so, 250 person wedding (about $38k, 22 years ago, my parents gave us $25k, ILs paid about $3k for rehearsal dinner, and my elderly grandmother hosted breakfast the next morning, we paid the rest). We had a great time, as did our friends and family. FWIW, we intend to help our children with their weddings (2 boys, 1 girl), although that is still far away. Private college and retirement is covered....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a large family. DH does not. However, we got married later in life, most of our friends were already married, and so, 250 person wedding (about $38k, 22 years ago, my parents gave us $25k, ILs paid about $3k for rehearsal dinner, and my elderly grandmother hosted breakfast the next morning, we paid the rest). We had a great time, as did our friends and family. FWIW, we intend to help our children with their weddings (2 boys, 1 girl), although that is still far away. Private college and retirement is covered....

Wow I can’t imagine paying $60k for a wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago we did ours on the cheap. I spent $100 on a dress, my husband wore one of his business suits. My husband hired a guy from work to be the photographer and he did a great job. Pianist, no band. Flowers were about $250. Mostly family and very close friends but with a big family it was about 80 people. I think the total cost was about $3-4000 which is all we could afford at the time. We spent a small fortune on our daughters weddings and I really loved the planning and the time I spent with them thinking everything through. I do regret not having that kind of experience with my mother as I did everything myself in terms of planning. But given that my husband and I have been very happy for 35 years the amount spent has nothing to do with marriage happiness.

You are aware of inflation, correct? Your wedding 35 years ago would be around $10k today. Not “extravagant” but I wouldn’t characterize that as “on the cheap” either. So funny how older folks forget about inflation.

According to The Knot, the average cost of a wedding in 2017 was $33,400. $10,000 is pretty cheap relative to the average.

[Anonymous]

Just write a check for what you're good for and make it clear there will be no further discussions. She can do whatever she wants with the check; take it and run, use it as a house downpayment, have a wedding on that amount, or contribute more if she wants.

I am one of two girls. We each got 60k. My sister and her husband added to it and had a blowout 4 day fancy wedding. I held onto it and will not be having a wedding (elopement and awesome vacation, yes), the rest is for a downpayment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Most brides AND grooms parents pay half. It’s sexist to only pay for a daughter’s wedding IMO. I’m 32 and that’s what most of my friends parents did. (My parents gave us a flat amount and in-laws gave nothing)

No, they don't. Bride's family pays for wedding. Groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner and sometimes contributes to honeymoon (ours didn't).