Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not a thing that grown ass adults should expect.

[Anonymous]

OP here, haha - wellll.... the fiance probably could do a little better.

I love both my daughter and fiance very much. But I think they're both very irresponsible. It's such a long story, but in short my husband and I spent several thousands of dollars on her secondary education, vocational training, bad financial decisions, bad decisions in general. Granted, we spent less overall on her education than we did for her sister (since her sister completed her MS), but most of it was a waste as she's now in another vocational program to learn "what she really wanted to do this whole time". While we've made amends and I do see growth in her decision making, I think it's irresponsible to marry while still living with family. (Her fiance is still a year away from a nursing degree.)

We have never once, believe it or not, had a conversation with either her or her sister about their weddings. In retrospect, I even think "wow, how has this never come up?!", but it just hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, haha - wellll.... the fiance probably could do a little better.

I love both my daughter and fiance very much. But I think they're both very irresponsible. It's such a long story, but in short my husband and I spent several thousands of dollars on her secondary education, vocational training, bad financial decisions, bad decisions in general. Granted, we spent less overall on her education than we did for her sister (since her sister completed her MS), but most of it was a waste as she's now in another vocational program to learn "what she really wanted to do this whole time". While we've made amends and I do see growth in her decision making, I think it's irresponsible to marry while still living with family. (Her fiance is still a year away from a nursing degree.)

We have never once, believe it or not, had a conversation with either her or her sister about their weddings. In retrospect, I even think "wow, how has this never come up?!", but it just hasn't.

My big concern would be if you are carrying her under your health insurance. Otherwise, if no, it doesn't matter. Offer a set amount to buy the dress, and pay for a specific thing and let them figure it out. I'd offer $4-5K and that's it. It doesn't make sense to have a big wedding vs. helping with a downpayment for a house but give them that choice. They are better off eloping or a tiny wedding.

[Anonymous]

This totally depends on your social circle. In my world, parents tend to foot the entire bill for large, elaborate weddings, often to the tune of $50-100k. In other circles, parents give a much more modest, fixed amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people who live together before marriage really do the whole big tacky party & white dress thing?

Uh ease up . I just went to my dear friend:s wedding, they are both 40. It was decent sized, she wore a wedding dress, it was a blast. How is a party with food,drinks and dancing "tacky"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a decision you should make by yourself and not because of how popular the custom is.

. This. And it can have a huge cultural component too. So there is no one size answer here

[Anonymous]

Have they asked you for $?

[Anonymous]

A lot of parents that contribute a large amount or pay for the entire wedding also want a large degree of control over the event and to use the event as their own social affair / networking opportunity.

I agree with contributing a set amount.... for most of my friends, parents donated approximately what they might spend on their vacations for the year ($3-20k, depending on income level). Many couples got contributions from both sets of parents and combined that with their own money to pay for the event.

[Anonymous]

The don't have a pot to pi $$ in, but the want to get married at the parents expense....no. Tell her to finish her education, then shop for a gown.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your family. If you're very conservative or Southern or something, she might expect it. Most people in my friend group did not expect that and paid for their own weddings. In my circle it is very common to get a set amount ($5k, $10k, etc) from one or both sets of parents, but much less common to have the bride's parents foot the whole bill with the groom's parents paying rehearsal dinner.

[Anonymous]

Most people I know (I’m 40) did a combination of help from both sets of parents and contributed some $ on their own. Only my wealthier friends had the bride’s parents pay most FWIW. My point being that society has been moving away from “brides parents pay” for awhile now.

We have a daughter and two sons and will give each an equal amount toward wedding/“getting started”. We’ll discuss the amount when the first one gets engaged and/or buys their first home- whichever comes first. From talking with friends, I think most plan to contribute equally towards daughters and sons...

[Anonymous]

I got married three years ago. My parents gave $5K as a gift - like delivered the day before the wedding (so that money didn’t actually help pay for the wedding).

My parents also gave my brother $5K when he got married 18 years ago. He’s now divorced and engaged again. No idea what the rate is for second marriages.

Anyway, my parents specifically said they’d pay for the ring (!) and then they offered to pay for the ceremony only. We declined both offers because we wanted to pick out what we wanted (and didn’t want to hear “gee, I can’t believe this costs so much, so I went on google and ordered something from amazon instead).

Team = set amount

[Anonymous]

Op why don't you pay them NOT to get married. Buy them a car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Most brides AND grooms parents pay half. It’s sexist to only pay for a daughter’s wedding IMO. I’m 32 and that’s what most of my friends parents did. (My parents gave us a flat amount and in-laws gave nothing)

Oh and whatever you do don’t just say “we’ll pay for alcohol” or “we’ll pay for food” because so many places have it all combine. Give them a concrete number to work with and give it 6 months before the wedding. One friend had parents promise to pay and then parents gave nothing until 3 months after the wedding. It went on a credit card instead because it was a 5k expense they didn’t anticipate. Awesome way to start married life.

How on earth can this possibly work? Maybe I think that 15K is half of what a wedding should cost, the other parents thing 30K is half of what a wedding should cost and the bride and groom are thinking more along the lines of 50K from each parent.

How old were you when you got married? I can't imagine a 32 year old working woman/man expecting that their parents will pay for any part of their wedding. If their parents offer that's one thing, but to actually expect them to pay for half your dream wedding? I just don't think that is a realistic expectation.

A set amount offered by both sides (assuming they can afford it) sounds like a better plan to me. Otherwise, the bride and groom can pay for their own wedding.

[Anonymous]

Can I just say...my long time partner and I live together woh his parents. It’s tough, but my partners mom knew we couldn’t afford to move out on our own. However, if and when we get married I do not expect my parents or IL’s to pay anything. It would be great if they offered, but I’m latina so most of the times family helps.