Do all marriages kind of suck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing reading DCUM has taught me, and that this thread alone shows, is that there is huge variance in the quality of marriages and that it is closely connected to the attitude people bring to it. I wish I had known that better before I got married. People should be required to read DCUM as part of premarital counseling.

Do you and your spouse have different attitudes about your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

Perhaps that makes childless couples rather smart.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is better after children.

Before I had children, I resented DH’s lack of ambition and felt that we had nothing in common and that marrying him was a mistake.

Now that we have children, his ability to balance his work life and be a full partner in parenting and taking care of the house is refreshing! We agree about most major things in life like religion and politics and parenting, and we make each other laugh.

[Anonymous]

Married almost 16 years. My marriage is, at times, complicated but it doesn't suck. I'm not sure I would have married if I didn't want kids, because I was pretty happy living life on my own. But I did want kids, and DH is a great parenting partner. I'm not sure how things will go when we are empty nesters or when he retires several years before I will because I think a lot of our underlying personality differences will be more obvious. I'm not sure that I can call him my best friend because he really doesn't get me on some levels the way my closest friends do. He's had a series of physical and (minor) mental health issues that have put some major strains on the relationship. But they haven't been death blows, and so far we've always managed to circle back to what we appreciate about each other.

[Anonymous]

Have seen/heard articles/news about happiness and also marriage through lifespan. OP you sound like you're in one of those areas where happiness really hits a long low point. But it is also true that how you feel is influenced by how people in your social network feel, so if you have a lot of people at roughly the same stage in life they might well be bringing each other down based on those theories.

Question becomes how to make life better, keeping in mind what is known about stuff like happiness baselines (i.e. you think you want something like a pile of money or a new car or new house or new partner, you get it, you're thrilled for awhile then return to baseline, meaning the grass is still the same shade of greenish brown).

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad. I love my boyfriend so much and I'm looking forward to marriage but this makes me wonder what the point is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO, they do not all suck. Mine does, but I know that others do not. I am not the person I was when we married (a lot of major life events and we responded differently).

My family lawyer friend said the root to divorce (more than infidelity or money) is when spouses stop prioritizing each other. I agree.

I once met this woman who was 70-ish and extremely happy in her marriage. She said one secret was she never put anything ahead of her husband. If he wanted to go for a drive in his pickup truck and she had a cake in the over, forget the cake. It was impressive and they were obviously happy.

BUT. . . they married in their mid-50s. No kids, they were happy in their work lives, they had dated for a few years before they did marry--not living together--and my impression was that although they put being together as a priority they were also secure in themselves as individuals. First marriage for both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

What does he specify is the source of his unhappiness? Hoping he expands more than just, "I'm miserable"? Was he as on board with creating a family as you were (not playing the "why did you marry him" card, just wondering about the early years)?

He was very much on board with having kids. He still misses being single and childless and young. He unhappy with pretty much every area of his life, but that's what it comes down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

Perhaps that makes childless couples rather smart.

Perhaps. Perhaps this is why you shouldn't be sprinkling your childless charm in the why do marriages suck thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

Perhaps that makes childless couples rather smart.

Perhaps. Perhaps this is why you shouldn't be sprinkling your childless charm in the why do marriages suck thread.

Normally I don't like it when the childfree butt in, but I think it's relevant here. Now mired in a terrible marriage (with a kid), for the life of me I CANNOT figure out why people who don't want kids even get married at all. But I don't think it follows that people should not have kids in order to preserve their relationship (assuming you want kids). If you have a good, strong marriage, it will withstand kids.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t marry again if this one ends. We’ve been together for 17 and it’s tough, sometimes I want out, sometimes I don’t. The sometimes I do are more than the don’ts. It’s hard.

Not being married to me equals walking away easier, even after 17 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are happy people and some people are unhappy people... it s all about perspective

Somebody would describe your life exactly as you have and feel like they hit the lottery, you don't. that is a choice. You chose to be unhappy.

This is simplistic and harsh.

DP. It's not.

Show me the single people who are happy being single. They are the same people who will be happy being married.

Some people have unreasonable expectations about what life should be. They end up disappointed.

Relationships with parents/siblings/best friends ebb and flow. Why would relationships in marriage be any different?

Because marriage is infinitely more stressful and weighted than relationships with friends and siblings?

I agree that personality characteristics can play a role in happiness; but that's not the same as saying to you can "chose" to be happy.

Marriage does not have to be stressful and weighted. That is the result of emotional choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened to a podcast recently where a woman has done all this research into marriages in many different cultures, and the conclusion she came to was that the US puts way too much emphasis on marriage. We expect our spouses to be our lovers, best friends, therapists, life coach, etc. and in the cultures that do not do that, they are happier in their marriages. I found that really interesting.

That is interesting. Living alone as a nuclear family is a Western concept and mode of life, and quite recent historical development. And a result of better financial circumstances.

No - what it is is utter bullshit. Where are these fictitious marriages where they ‘do not do that’ and who is happy? The men who lord over their wives and get some on the side too? Hm.
Most women in ‘other cultures’ are oppressed , subject to lives based on narrowly defined (by men) stereotypes, severely limited in their life options and often abused . They are not ‘blissfully happy’ outside of the nuclear family model.
Nor are the men who end up without a family at all .