Do all marriages kind of suck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s common. I’m 40 and none of my HS or college friends are divorced, none of my neighbors I know are divorced, only one family I know at are large preschool are divorced. All of the families we socialize with seem genuinely happy. I am happy with 2 small kids.

The divorces start later in a marriage. Almost all the ones I know happened end of HS or during college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

My DH isn't quite so extreme, but he likes to start complaining about how much money we make, the size of our house, when the kids (2 and 4) are cranky/difficult, etc. We left high paying careers for jobs that we like more, but he looks at our friends and is very jealous of their lifestyles and houses. We have two amazing young kids, a small but cute house, decent commutes, reasonable sex life (1 -2x a week), etc. It's a total bummer for me to think that things are good and then to hear him complain and be totally dissatisfied. I get it, PP.

[Anonymous]

All marriages don't suck. Only the monogamous ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They ebb and flow. Everyone goes through times like ypu describe. It gets easier as children get older. Friendship is as important as love and lust. Being able to laugh together is key.

-Married 31 years

+1. I completely agree. Also married 31 years and still very happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I listened to a podcast recently where a woman has done all this research into marriages in many different cultures, and the conclusion she came to was that the US puts way too much emphasis on marriage. We expect our spouses to be our lovers, best friends, therapists, life coach, etc. and in the cultures that do not do that, they are happier in their marriages. I found that really interesting.

a lot of people do have all that and more in their spouse because they found/chose the right person and they make an effort to keep the love going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids. We love our kids and our family. We make a good team. We aren’t really romantic, more like plutonic friends co-parenting. We have sex maybe once a month. I don’t enjoy it. We are both still fit and attractive. I don’t feel in love. Both staying for the kids.

Is this fairly common?

I feel like most couples are unhappily married. Many couples we know are in trouble or divorcing. A few were separated but trying to work it out for the kids. Some have jobs they hate. Others struggle financially. Some husbands obviously don’t seem into wife. No one seems truly happy. The few that care most about appearances have the worst problems- affairs or mental illness.

I think marriage, like many things in life, is just disappointing. We're made to believe that it's this wonderfully meaningful, magical thing, and we should all aspire to it. The over-the-top proposals, the receptions with flash mobs and serenading grooms, the honeymoon in the Maldives. It's just all SO GREAT. Yay! We're married!

And then it's just work. Go to work, come home to more work. Having kids? WORK. Housework. Homework. And to make matters worse, rather than provide a refuge from all the nonsense, the storm of everyday life, the marriage itself becomes work. But the thing is, that's really all it is meant to be. The problem is expecting it to be anything else.

I'll take cue from a PP who said it's a choice. While I do think that's an oversimplification, I do believe in having realistic expectations that are rooted in reality. Not that OP is unrealistic or living in a dream world. But I think it's important to realize that the best you'll probably ever do is "fine." And that's where you are now. Fine. You have a partner, and together your job is to get it done, and get through it. Like countless others, you're unhappy because you had certain expectations of how it would be. But stripping away those expectations, everything is ... fine. Love fades, the kids grow up and leave. You've devoted your best years to building and maintaining a high-functioning machine, and are now ready to face the final stretch with your associate.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

TLDR;

Marriage is a bait and switch.
There is no happy or unhappy. There is only fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I’ve loved mine for 27 years now.
Why would you enter in a partnership that sucks?
It’s privilege to have someone else to share your life with - it’s supposed to be fun and supportive.

Are you stupid? Many people have relationships that start out wonderful, but people change and circumstances change.

Be thankful for what you have and stop thinking you have it because you are superior. You are just lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

My DH isn't quite so extreme, but he likes to start complaining about how much money we make, the size of our house, when the kids (2 and 4) are cranky/difficult, etc. We left high paying careers for jobs that we like more, but he looks at our friends and is very jealous of their lifestyles and houses. We have two amazing young kids, a small but cute house, decent commutes, reasonable sex life (1 -2x a week), etc. It's a total bummer for me to think that things are good and then to hear him complain and be totally dissatisfied. I get it, PP.

I get it, too. I look around and think how much we have to be grateful for, but he is never satisfied. It is so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Amen. Perfect is the enemy of good.

I have a job where I work with families for whom life was just clicking along until boom, it wasn't.

I'm convinced that it's the key to my happiness and internal sense of peace.

[Anonymous]

Americans need a constant form of distraction. They're greedy. Good isn't good enough. We seek more, we want more, we need more. The truth is, there's always more until it's not enough. It's like we're addicted because we have so much! Many people around the world are content to not be at war, that they have decent spouses, that their kids aren't sick, they're happy. We have the giant homes, the cars, the salaries, the abundance of everything and are always unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to not complain about anything at all. You should go about your life and just choose to be grateful for your circumstances, no matter what they are, because someone, somewhere has it worse.

[Anonymous]

Our marriage is the mainstay of our family. Our kids are in college now and we are enjoying ad taking advantage of the empty nest. Our children were difficult to raise and having each other really helped with that. Our partnership has also helped fortify us as we struggled through the illnesses and eventual deaths of all four of our parents. Empty nest allows for more intimacy too. I like that we can be frisky in the late morning or afternoon and not worry. It is nice having someone who has your back too. There are ebbs and flows- one of the movies I love that helps describe it is a movie with Carol Burnett and Alan Alda called ‘The Four Seasons”. I love the relationship that they portrayed in the movie.

Our 25th anniversary is this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids. We love our kids and our family. We make a good team. We aren’t really romantic, more like plutonic friends co-parenting. We have sex maybe once a month. I don’t enjoy it. We are both still fit and attractive. I don’t feel in love. Both staying for the kids.

Is this fairly common?

I feel like most couples are unhappily married. Many couples we know are in trouble or divorcing. A few were separated but trying to work it out for the kids. Some have jobs they hate. Others struggle financially. Some husbands obviously don’t seem into wife. No one seems truly happy. The few that care most about appearances have the worst problems- affairs or mental illness.

I think marriage, like many things in life, is just disappointing. We're made to believe that it's this wonderfully meaningful, magical thing, and we should all aspire to it. The over-the-top proposals, the receptions with flash mobs and serenading grooms, the honeymoon in the Maldives. It's just all SO GREAT. Yay! We're married!

And then it's just work. Go to work, come home to more work. Having kids? WORK. Housework. Homework. And to make matters worse, rather than provide a refuge from all the nonsense, the storm of everyday life, the marriage itself becomes work. But the thing is, that's really all it is meant to be. The problem is expecting it to be anything else.

I'll take cue from a PP who said it's a choice. While I do think that's an oversimplification, I do believe in having realistic expectations that are rooted in reality. Not that OP is unrealistic or living in a dream world. But I think it's important to realize that the best you'll probably ever do is "fine." And that's where you are now. Fine. You have a partner, and together your job is to get it done, and get through it. Like countless others, you're unhappy because you had certain expectations of how it would be. But stripping away those expectations, everything is ... fine. Love fades, the kids grow up and leave. You've devoted your best years to building and maintaining a high-functioning machine, and are now ready to face the final stretch with your associate.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

TLDR;

Marriage is a bait and switch.
There is no happy or unhappy. There is only fine.

Dude. That’s depressing. Maybe you make yourself feel better that that’s how it goes but it’s not how it goes for everyone. Also, have low expectations and you will be surprised by the simple joys. I’m happy I made it here. Together for 15, married for 10, two working spouses, pregnant with 3rd and while it’s been a grind and difficult at times there is no one I would rather do this life with than my husband.

[Anonymous]

I have a fantastic marriage. It's more than "fine." We're best friends, support each other, share values, and are a match in terms of sex. And, we still have fun together and laugh a lot. Sure we argue and get on each other's nerves from time to time but it's never anything serious or marriage altering. Strong marriages that feel easy and fun are possible, and honestly I see them all around me.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy sucks. Sex is the glue, but the need to have sex and with each other declines.

Cheating sucks too, and open marriages raise new problems.

- married man, 15 years in a better marriage than most but also, yes to the ebb and flow.