Do all marriages kind of suck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine has definitely gone from "highlight of life" to "institution that makes life possible" with little kids. We need and appreciate each other but most of our awake time is centered on kids, work and commuting, logistics, teamwork - we don't have the fun we used to because we don't have the time to ourselves until 10 PM on weeknights. I'm less into sex than I used to be and it's down to 1-2x a week because, again, on weeknights it is a DIRECT tradeoff for a full night's sleep. It's not just marriage, my hobbies have suffered a lot too.

I tell myself this is a season. It was harder with a baby. As our kids grow older and want to spend less time with us, I hope more time to enjoy the marriage and hobbies will be the silver lining.

Same, in particular this!! I need my sleep. To many days in a row of not sleeping enough makes me super cranky, which is bad for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

I'm in a similar situation and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 7 years, 2 small kids. Regular sex. I was actually fine until I found out how unhappy and resentful my husband was. I was ok with the level of busyness because that's what it's like when you have small kids. Like, what did you expect? We're healthy, we've got great kids, good jobs, no real problems. Then my husband told me he was miserable. Now, just knowing that every morning he wakes up and thinks basically "my life is over" has made me more unhappy with our marriage.

My DH isn't quite so extreme, but he likes to start complaining about how much money we make, the size of our house, when the kids (2 and 4) are cranky/difficult, etc. We left high paying careers for jobs that we like more, but he looks at our friends and is very jealous of their lifestyles and houses. We have two amazing young kids, a small but cute house, decent commutes, reasonable sex life (1 -2x a week), etc. It's a total bummer for me to think that things are good and then to hear him complain and be totally dissatisfied. I get it, PP.

I get it, too. I look around and think how much we have to be grateful for, but he is never satisfied. It is so frustrating.

This is my husband to a T. He wants something, we get it, and he's still not happy. On the surface we appear to have so much, but he's miserable because it's never enough or something could be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought my marriage was great for the first 20 years...then DH had a midlife crisis.

For me it was 27 years and was a midlife crisis accompanied by an emotional affair. I was gobsmacked. I'm still not fully over it and it's been 10 years.

I fear DW is going through some sort of midlife crisis and emotional affair. She of course claims they are just friends

Trust your gut. The only thing that got my husband out of his affair fog is me stating that it was either her or me. Of course you have to mean it and be prepared to follow through. I would never be happy in anything but a fully monogamous relationship and my husband finally realized that I had the right to determine the type of relationship I wanted to be in and he took that right away from me.

[Anonymous]

NO, they do not all suck. Mine does, but I know that others do not. I am not the person I was when we married (a lot of major life events and we responded differently).

My family lawyer friend said the root to divorce (more than infidelity or money) is when spouses stop prioritizing each other. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine has definitely gone from "highlight of life" to "institution that makes life possible" with little kids. We need and appreciate each other but most of our awake time is centered on kids, work and commuting, logistics, teamwork - we don't have the fun we used to because we don't have the time to ourselves until 10 PM on weeknights. I'm less into sex than I used to be and it's down to 1-2x a week because, again, on weeknights it is a DIRECT tradeoff for a full night's sleep. It's not just marriage, my hobbies have suffered a lot too.

I tell myself this is a season. It was harder with a baby. As our kids grow older and want to spend less time with us, I hope more time to enjoy the marriage and hobbies will be the silver lining.

Same, in particular this!! I need my sleep. To many days in a row of not sleeping enough makes me super cranky, which is bad for everyone.

Maybe. I need energy to have sex and but it takes like 20 min (on a weeknight). That's not a lot of sleep loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

This.

Over and over and over again. And to that end - yes, for a time, all marriages (with kids) will” kinda suck”. For a little while. Then they are better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

It's still bullshit though. Just because you do not have kids, doesn't mean that your marriage doesn't go through extreme strain. Hell, the fact that there aren't kids is often the source the the strain. It's completely tone deaf to say that you aren't married until you have kids.

Anyone who thinks this or has the balls to say it aloud (even on a message board) SUCKS as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really married until you have kids.

What the hell? No, wrong.

Not PP, but I think the sentiment is that children test and strain a marriage in ways that those in childless marriages never experience or can really even understand.

It's still bullshit though. Just because you do not have kids, doesn't mean that your marriage doesn't go through extreme strain. Hell, the fact that there aren't kids is often the source the the strain. It's completely tone deaf to say that you aren't married until you have kids.

Anyone who thinks this or has the balls to say it aloud (even on a message board) SUCKS as a person.

Oh jeez chill out. It's very different being married with kids than without. Not even a question.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. Our marriage has its ups and downs, but overall I'm so much better off with my DH than alone, and I'm grateful to have found him, especially because when I look around, I see most of my friends struggling in this area.

[Anonymous]

One thing reading DCUM has taught me, and that this thread alone shows, is that there is huge variance in the quality of marriages and that it is closely connected to the attitude people bring to it. I wish I had known that better before I got married. People should be required to read DCUM as part of premarital counseling.