When my DW has an AP and denies it, should I just take the kids and go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

LOLOLOLOL

If OP was a woman you would be singing a different tune. Classic DCUM

I know, its amazing how that works. Talk to her, counseling.....right.

[Anonymous]

Is it just one poster that always chimes in that the advice would be different if OP was a woman —only it really wouldn’t be?

[Anonymous]

Op, your wife is a dirty whore

Leave and find someone better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Go see a lawyer
2. Getvan individual therapist to manage the emotions you will have through the process.
3. Wait till after the holidays and have her removed from the home, if she won't leave. You can do this in md if there is an affair.
4. Have a family therapist to help you with the kids.
5. Explain to your wife she has 1year to get her shot together if she want to remain married. She will run to her AP .. he will promptly dump her. She will need lots of therapy. Be removed but supportive. In a year you will either get s heathier wife or x wife. But your children need a mother not a train wreck and it's time to put your foot down.


Read chump lady so you dontbfalll into the BS, I did something wrong to cause this routine.

No marriage therapy until she has broken it off with AP for 6 months and been to individual therapy.

1 yes, screw the other with the exception of 4. No therapy, 1 year waiting for her no, no way. He will always be the guy who sat at home while she was on her knees blowing some other guy if he keeps her. She will never respect him until she cant have him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an idiot. so your first reaction is to post it here? go talk to a lawyer dumba$$.

Do you say that to women?


+1000. The OP is just trying to do the best he can for his family (including her and their kids.)

That being said, my BIL's ExDW did the exact same thing. She rang up almost $60K in credit debt helping her boyfriend "get his life back on track". By get his life back on track, he was working as waiter when they got together and she bought him a laptop, classes at the community college, and paid part of his bills so he could work fewer shifts and study more.

The boyfriend was good looking enough to be model and she even paid for professional photos for him to distribute. My nieces were young enough they did not see all of it.

Their marriage was over and her relationship with the BF was over after he started hitting her.

I hope he hit her really hard. Karma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, lawyer NOW. What is this "love you but not in love with you". That phrase is the stupidest double talk out there.

Exactly, the sign to lawyer up and set your plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a fool if she think the AP wants an instant 4 kid family. He'll be gone about a month after the separation.

Stupid woman.

I know an older woman with kids is like a nuclear blast zone, stay far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

If I were you, I would pre-emptively separate. Set up your household, get a preliminary custody schedule. She wants space, let her have a real taste of what it would feel like. Not her idea of having space (everything remains as it is and she comes and go as she pleases while everyone is waiting for her), but the reality of living on her own.

Then, if you decide, proceed with divorce.

Do not talk her into anything. If she's the one pulling away, don't ask her to stay, don't say "if you can leave if you have therapy etc.". The general rule is if someone wants to go, let them go.

This is OP. Thank you for the insight. My DW believes in her mind that I have no proof of her affair. Even with pictures of her and AP together, including his name, she is in denial. She told me to move out now. I will be talking to a lawyer this week. I just do not know who she is anymore, and she just lies.

It doesn't matter what she tells you. You don't have to do what she says.

Get documented proof of the affair, you will need it.

Definitely do talk to a lawyer.

You have my sympathies. Your life has been upended. Don't do anything rush.

I understand OP. My XW was having an affair with a guy she met because as she told me - "She was not emotionally involved with me so there is no regrets with the affair. The AP and her are 'In Love". The future looks great." My XW was using her work cellphone and email to keep her affair a secret, including using cash from our joint bank account to buy trips with her AP. She would stay out late during the weekdays then she started spending the weekends (specific days) saying she was with her friends. She even bought herself new clothes, panties and began to shave her private hair. The affair came out when she was going to spend sometime with her girlfriend on a Saturday night and did not show up. When her friend called me, I located where the phone was by GPS and drove to her location. Anyways, it was clear what my XW was doing. Sad and difficult but that garbage needed to be thrown out.

Based on what you describe, the signs of infidelity were there but you nor I caught them early. For me, my XW fit to a tee the following signs of having an affair. She became emotionally distant and withdrawn as she became self-absorbed and living as if she was single. The unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. And the real sign was the issue of "control." The XW insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. The cruelest of all to begin an extra marital affair when the illness of the one who is faithful. The classic sign of paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, and working out at the gym. Showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Another one is becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions. Lastly, obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. My XW would tell me it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy.

I really thought she had a mental break down. She was a good person but unsure if marriage and kids was for her. My family is still in shock about her conduct and her family only knows that there we divorced. She did not have the guts to tell her parents and family of the true reason that the marriage failed and what she was doing to our family and kids. You will be ok OP but do see an attorney and take care of yourself and the kids. Your DW is a pathological liar and should seek therapy. It seems your DW is a narcissist, selfish, manipulative, and abusive.

I don't know why but this part made me LOL. PP did it make you feel better to share all those details with an anonymous forum? This whole post is hilarious. Lots of women work out, stay up to date on their clothing, and shave their "private hair" and aren't having affairs.

Only if they cant get someone to f them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife is a dirty whore

Leave and find someone better

That sums it up, let the dude have the whore. He will dump her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

Based on experience (female here), your wife's affair has taken her whole life over and she has no control of her actions or all the lies that she believes are the truths.[u] When I had a double life (married/kids and an affair), the excitement of the affair was a different reality from being a spouse with kids. I thought I was "in love" with my AP and got a divorce from the XH. The worst mistake I ever did. Five months after moving out and selling our home, my AP and I ended. The worst part was how my kids were impacted from having two homes and seeing that I was the individual who caused this. I lacked the "emotional" emotion to my XH during the time because we both worked and had kids. There is not one day that does not go by that I could go back to my original life and work it out with my XH. I truly hope that the DW above has thought this affair completely through. For me, I was selfish and unable to control the new emotions of the AP. It was fun but that is not real life - a loving husband and children are what matters.

Its amazing how often women phrase their actions as if something happened to them, not that they did something. You forgot to mention that your kids and their father will forever see a whore when they look at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife is a dirty whore

Leave and find someone better

That sums it up, let the dude have the whore. He will dump her.

Too funny - DW is a whore who has checked out emotionally but it is ok to be a cheater. Great example you set for your kids!! Truly a winner.

[Anonymous]

Divorce papers now! Divorce takes 6-12 months depending on State, finances, kids, infidelity etc. Get the process started now. You can always stop it if she becomes remorseful and agrees to your terms for Reconciliation. Several web sites out there discuss this process: Chump Lady, Surviving Infidelity etc.

Do not be weak. Women despise and laugh at weak men. I don’t mean getting physical. You’ll find yourself in jail for that. Rather, She should know that you do not need her, will not be her doormat etc. Let all the family know, hers and yours, friends even. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Also tell the other guy’s wife or girlfriend— he’ll dump your wife once his wife gets on the warpath. Now here’s the sweet spot, if he dumps your wife you don’t need to take her back. Proceed with your lawyer. Your wife MUST show remorse (not regret at getting caught) in order for Reconciliation to work between you two (assuming you want to reconcile.

Listen to your lawyer. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

In Virginia, infidelity is grounds for absolute divorce without waiting 6 months, etc. The infidelity can also have an impact on property division, etc. Lawyer up and make sure you get what's yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

Based on experience (female here), your wife's affair has taken her whole life over and she has no control of her actions or all the lies that she believes are the truths.[u] When I had a double life (married/kids and an affair), the excitement of the affair was a different reality from being a spouse with kids. I thought I was "in love" with my AP and got a divorce from the XH. The worst mistake I ever did. Five months after moving out and selling our home, my AP and I ended. The worst part was how my kids were impacted from having two homes and seeing that I was the individual who caused this. I lacked the "emotional" emotion to my XH during the time because we both worked and had kids. There is not one day that does not go by that I could go back to my original life and work it out with my XH. I truly hope that the DW above has thought this affair completely through. For me, I was selfish and unable to control the new emotions of the AP. It was fun but that is not real life - a loving husband and children are what matters.

Its amazing how often women phrase their actions as if something happened to them, not that they did something. You forgot to mention that your kids and their father will forever see a whore when they look at you.

Yes. Trust will ever be broken and when the kids get older, they will know what their mother did. The affair as infatuation is not love. People engaged in an affair spend little “real” time together. Most of their time together is spent in a fantasy world free of the stressors that daily life introduces into love relationships. It is easy to maintain illusions and romanticize a relationship if that relationship is based on secret, fleeting meetings with little time for real life to intrude. Love affairs are as addictive as alcohol or drugs due to the good feelings they illicit in the cheater. That “in love” feeling gives the cheater a sort of chemical high. He/she will continue the affair until the relationship is exposed to the realities of day to day life. Female needs to go home and address the marital issues with her husband and be a mother to her children. Until she herself looks in the mirror and sees that her behavior is destructive, the affair needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

Based on experience (female here), your wife's affair has taken her whole life over and she has no control of her actions or all the lies that she believes are the truths.[u] When I had a double life (married/kids and an affair), the excitement of the affair was a different reality from being a spouse with kids. I thought I was "in love" with my AP and got a divorce from the XH. The worst mistake I ever did. Five months after moving out and selling our home, my AP and I ended. The worst part was how my kids were impacted from having two homes and seeing that I was the individual who caused this. I lacked the "emotional" emotion to my XH during the time because we both worked and had kids. There is not one day that does not go by that I could go back to my original life and work it out with my XH. I truly hope that the DW above has thought this affair completely through. For me, I was selfish and unable to control the new emotions of the AP. It was fun but that is not real life - a loving husband and children are what matters.

Its amazing how often women phrase their actions as if something happened to them, not that they did something. You forgot to mention that your kids and their father will forever see a whore when they look at you.

Yes. Trust will ever be broken and when the kids get older, they will know what their mother did. The affair as infatuation is not love. People engaged in an affair spend little “real” time together. Most of their time together is spent in a fantasy world free of the stressors that daily life introduces into love relationships. It is easy to maintain illusions and romanticize a relationship if that relationship is based on secret, fleeting meetings with little time for real life to intrude. Love affairs are as addictive as alcohol or drugs due to the good feelings they illicit in the cheater. That “in love” feeling gives the cheater a sort of chemical high. He/she will continue the affair until the relationship is exposed to the realities of day to day life. Female needs to go home and address the marital issues with her husband and be a mother to her children. Until she herself looks in the mirror and sees that her behavior is destructive, the affair needs to stop.