When my DW has an AP and denies it, should I just take the kids and go?

[Anonymous]

After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

[Anonymous]

What changed? Clearly something was working (hopefully) if you had 4 kids with her.

[Anonymous]

First thing next week, meet with a lawyer. Usually you need to stay in your own marital property, not leave it.

Also decide if you want to end this or give her a chance to come around -- a therapist can help with that.

[Anonymous]

If you want a divorce, start the separation process. See an attorney. You can’t just take the kids. This does not impact custody. Many states have 50-50 default now.

I personally would avoid a fault divorce (trying to prove an affair); it is more expensive. Also, bad for kids because it will make a divorce harder and you will have to co parent for years. Being friendly is better for the kids.

If you love her and want to grow old with her, ask her to see a therapist and see if ending the affair and starting over will work, if you can forgive her. She would have to want this to for it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What changed? Clearly something was working (hopefully) if you had 4 kids with her.

OP here. DW made it clear now that with both working and having kids, it took out the romance which stopped having an "emotional" connection to me.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an exit affair, OP.

I would go talk to an attorney about separating.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

[Anonymous]

See a therapist and ask for advice about how to confront her.

This sounds very much like something someone I know went through with his wife. The lying and gaslighting. He didn’t admit at first how much he knew and she would continue to lie and cover up and make him feel like he was crazy and unreasonable.

They’re still together. They were in counseling. But I’m not sure if they still are.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your wife is getting played.
What grown man solicits a married woman to foot the bill for everything and gets her to buy him a laptop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

LOLOLOLOL

If OP was a woman you would be singing a different tune. Classic DCUM

[Anonymous]

See a lawyer and do the 180 and confront her when you are ready. I would probably encourage her to move out, set up visitation and see if the reality is as good as the fantasy.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through and for your kids. Make sure they know you love them and it's not their fault, that their mom needs a break from the marriage, not them (even if not true). Make sure in temporary custody agreement she is not allowed overnights if she is with her AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See a lawyer and do the 180 and confront her when you are ready. I would probably encourage her to move out, set up visitation and see if the reality is as good as the fantasy.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through and for your kids. Make sure they know you love them and it's not their fault, that their mom needs a break from the marriage, not them (even if not true). Make sure in temporary custody agreement she is not allowed overnights if she is with her AP.

No parent should blame the other spouse. Kids should know they are loved and not their fault. No other details should be shared. Neither parent should have others around when they are with kids in separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

Really? This is the topper? Not that she left your kids for three days, but the financial infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

Really, this is what think OP should do? Stop with the disingenuous BS - you would never recommend these steps if OP was woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What changed? Clearly something was working (hopefully) if you had 4 kids with her.

OP here. DW made it clear now that with both working and having kids, it took out the romance which stopped having an "emotional" connection to me.

Well, she was probably honest about that part. When did you get this info, before or after you suspected an affair?