When my DW has an AP and denies it, should I just take the kids and go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP will never marry her. NO AP wants that much baggage of four step kids and an angry ex. But OP your marriage is over.

Honesty is want I need - I wonder who I marry?

This is OP. You are right, my DW is out of the reservation and I hope karma gets her. Last comment on "I wonder who I marry," is a classic reply from my DW who life only revolves around here. Not the family or her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump her. See how much time she was for a "connection" while trying work out joint custody and meeting APs.

Yes. The DW needs to grow up because it is going to be a rude awaking when her DH separates and joint custody takes place. I hope the DW because a "real mother" as the DH it seems is doing all the work raising the kids (cooking, cleaning, engaging them, activities) and not just driving them around or buying material things for their affection. My XW always told me she was a great mother and the only thing she really did was come home from work and expect that dinner was going to be served. We both worked and have 3 kids. Amazing that I took it for so long to realize my XW wanted to lay in the couch, our bed, or the guest room and read her phone.

My XW had an AP who was only interested in being around when the kids were not and the fun trips that she lied about. At least, the XW had a moment of sanity 6 months after the divorce about what was right in raising our kids. Kids are better but sometimes you have to wonder who in the hell do you marry. Get rid of her quickly. Unsure your living situation but sell the house and prep for a new beginning. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like an exit affair, OP.

I would go talk to an attorney about separating.

This. No coming back from it. Sorry. She's in love with someone else, and she's willing to blow up your family for it. You will likely only get 50/50 custody. It's awful. I'm so sorry.

Unsure the exact emotional state of your DW but the AP must of done a number on her to have her leave your children, family and move on. I hope your DW truly understands the consequences of her actions. Even if not now, your DW will be burdened of destroying her family. OP concentrate on yourself and the kids. Everything will work out but there will be some rough patches ahead. God Bless!!

"Black Jack Davey"
(originally by Bob Dylan)

Black Davey come running on back
Whistlen' loud and merry
Made the woods round him ring
And he charmed the heart of a lady
Charmed the heart of a lady

"How old are you my pretty little miss?"
"How old are you my honey?"
She answered him with a loving smile
"I'll be sixteen come Sunday"
Said "I'll be sixteen come Sunday"

"Come and go with me, my pretty little miss
Come and go with me, my honey
I'll take you where the grass grows green
You never will want for money"
Said, "You never will want for money"

"Pull off, pull off your long, blue gloves
Made of Spanish leather
Give to me your lily-white hand
And we'll ride off together"
Said, "We'll ride off together"

Well, she pulled off her long, blue gloves
Made of Spanish leather
And gave to him her lily-white hand
And bid farewell forever
And they both rode off together

Well, late last night the boss came home
Inquiring about his lady
The servant spoke before she thought
"She been with Black Jack Davey
Rode off with Black Jack Davey"

"Come on, come on my coal-black horse
You're speedier than the gray
I'll ride all day and I'll ride all night
And I'll overtake my lady
Yeah, I'll overtake my lady"

Well, he rode all night 'til the broad daylight
'Til he came to a river ragin'
And there he spied his darlin' bride
In the arms of Black Jack Davey
Wrapped up with Black Jack Davey

Would you forsake your house and home?
Would you forsake your baby?
Would you forsake your husband, too
To go with Black Jack Davey?
Run off with Black Jack Davey?

"Yes I've forsaken my house and home
And I've forsaken my baby
And I've forsaken my husband too to go with Black Jack Davey
I'm in love with Black Jack Davey"

Last night I slept on a feather bed
Between my husband and baby
And tonight I lay on the river banks
In the arms of Black Jack Davey
I'm in love with Black Jack Davey

Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Black Betty had a child (Bam-ba-Lam)
The damn thing gone wild (Bam-ba-Lam)
She said, "I'm worryin' outta mind" (Bam-ba-Lam)
The damn thing gone blind (Bam-ba-Lam)
I said "Oh, Black Betty" (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Oh, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
She really gets me high (Bam-ba-Lam)
You know that's no lie (Bam-ba-Lam)
She's so rock steady (Bam-ba-Lam)
And she's always ready (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
She's from Birmingham (Bam-ba-Lam)
Way down in Alabam' (Bam-ba-Lam)
Well, she's shakin' that thing (Bam-ba-Lam)
Boy, she makes me sing (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty
Bam-ba-lam

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is getting played.
What grown man solicits a married woman to foot the bill for everything and gets her to buy him a laptop?

OP here. The DW is acting out of character by mood swings, continued passive agressive behavior, excessive privacy, buying lots of new clothes, not engaging the kids but focus on herself, various phones, a response for everything that she does outside the home, etc. Whatever she is into, she will have to deal with the consequences. I just want my kids to have a caring mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is getting played.
What grown man solicits a married woman to foot the bill for everything and gets her to buy him a laptop?

OP here. The DW is acting out of character by mood swings, continued passive agressive behavior, excessive privacy, buying lots of new clothes, not engaging the kids but focus on herself, various phones, a response for everything that she does outside the home, etc. Whatever she is into, she will have to deal with the consequences. I just want my kids to have a caring mother.

Would suck if it turns out she had a brain tumor. That happened to my coworker. They divorced with two kids under eight. He started dating a younger woman who was a nurses aide. She was actually the one who started suspecting a medical issue. The XW was dead within eighteen months. The tumor caused all her personality changes and reckless behavior. If it had been caught sooner, she might have lived and their family would be intact.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The DW is acting out of character by mood swings, continued passive agressive behavior, excessive privacy, buying lots of new clothes, not engaging the kids but focus on herself, various phones, a response for everything that she does outside the home, etc. Whatever she is into, she will have to deal with the consequences. I just want my kids to have a caring mother.

More likely substance abuse than a brain tumor. Whatever her problem is, you have the right idea. She is the only one who can control what type of mother she is.

You, however, can control your childrens' exposure to someone who has problems strong enough to damage them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

If I were you, I would pre-emptively separate. Set up your household, get a preliminary custody schedule. She wants space, let her have a real taste of what it would feel like. Not her idea of having space (everything remains as it is and she comes and go as she pleases while everyone is waiting for her), but the reality of living on her own.

Then, if you decide, proceed with divorce.

Do not talk her into anything. If she's the one pulling away, don't ask her to stay, don't say "if you can leave if you have therapy etc.". The general rule is if someone wants to go, let them go.

This is OP. Thank you for the insight. My DW believes in her mind that I have no proof of her affair. Even with pictures of her and AP together, including his name, she is in denial. She told me to move out now. I will be talking to a lawyer this week. I just do not know who she is anymore, and she just lies.

My ex-friend did this for seven years to her soon to be exDH. She has gaslighted for ages, and moved her whole family to the US from Europe to be closer to AP. She is a horrible person, and your DW sounds similar. Anyone who would lie at that point can never be trusted. I wish you luck and be glad your kids have one sane parent. They are going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

Based on experience (female here), your wife's affair has taken her whole life over and she has no control of her actions or all the lies that she believes are the truths. When I had a double life (married/kids and an affair), the excitement of the affair was a different reality from being a spouse with kids. I thought I was "in love" with my AP and got a divorce from the XH. The worst mistake I ever did. Five months after moving out and selling our home, my AP and I ended. The worst part was how my kids were impacted from having two homes and seeing that I was the individual who caused this. I lacked the "emotional" emotion to my XH during the time because we both worked and had kids. There is not one day that does not go by that I could go back to my original life and work it out with my XH. I truly hope that the DW above has thought this affair completely through. For me, I was selfish and unable to control the new emotions of the AP. It was fun but that is not real life - a loving husband and children are what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

OP here. Not since we have been married but the last 4 months she has acted way out of character. She went to see a therapist but she said she was fine. The balance of the kids and making sure the DW is not having mental issues. Im just tired.

Based on experience (female here), your wife's affair has taken her whole life over and she has no control of her actions or all the lies that she believes are the truths. When I had a double life (married/kids and an affair), the excitement of the affair was a different reality from being a spouse with kids. I thought I was "in love" with my AP and got a divorce from the XH. The worst mistake I ever did. Five months after moving out and selling our home, my AP and I ended. The worst part was how my kids were impacted from having two homes and seeing that I was the individual who caused this. I lacked the "emotional" emotion to my XH during the time because we both worked and had kids. There is not one day that does not go by that I could go back to my original life and work it out with my XH. I truly hope that the DW above has thought this affair completely through. For me, I was selfish and unable to control the new emotions of the AP. It was fun but that is not real life - a loving husband and children are what matters.

FALSE - you and the OP's wife have COMPLETE control over your actions and the lies you chose to tell. Take some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

Gather your evidence, talk to an attorney, stack money and play dumb. Forget therapy, the therapist's job is to find a way to make everything your fault. She has no respect for you and never will, she is on her knees blowing some guy and comes home and laughs at you. therapy will not fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What changed? Clearly something was working (hopefully) if you had 4 kids with her.

OP here. DW made it clear now that with both working and having kids, it took out the romance which stopped having an "emotional" connection to me.

Stop making excuses for her. All those things didnt take the "romance" out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she sounds manic. Does she have MH issues? Depression and mood swings?

Mania was the driver for my exDH’s infidelity. Unfortunately, DH was not diagnosed until after we broke up, and even then was unwilling to be med-compliant.

Manic hypersexuality is a not often spoken of aspect of bipolar depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce, start the separation process. See an attorney. You can’t just take the kids. This does not impact custody. Many states have 50-50 default now.

I personally would avoid a fault divorce (trying to prove an affair); it is more expensive. Also, bad for kids because it will make a divorce harder and you will have to co parent for years. Being friendly is better for the kids.

If you love her and want to grow old with her, ask her to see a therapist and see if ending the affair and starting over will work, if you can forgive her. She would have to want this to for it to work.

A) Go fault just to cover yourself in the months after you dump her and she finds the AP doesnt want her full time, she amy start having work issues when reality hits. It doesnt have to be harder, make it clear to her her family and kids will know what she is if she is difficult.
B) Forget the "grow old with her" nonsense, she will NEVER respect you as a man again if you attempt to get her to make it work.