When my DW has an AP and denies it, should I just take the kids and go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, lawyer NOW. What is this "love you but not in love with you". That phrase is the stupidest double talk out there.

You can feel affection for the person without maintaining romantic or sexual interest. Haven’t you ever platonically loved a friend of the opposite sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What changed? Clearly something was working (hopefully) if you had 4 kids with her.

OP here. DW made it clear now that with both working and having kids, it took out the romance which stopped having an "emotional" connection to me.

Well, she was probably honest about that part. When did you get this info, before or after you suspected an affair?

Sounds like she’s just looking to blame everyone else for her choice to cheat.

OP here. After I found out of the affair. DW has become excessively passive aggressive and justfies everything she does or turns it on me.

She’s unfortunately a complete stereotype. Sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, lawyer NOW. What is this "love you but not in love with you". That phrase is the stupidest double talk out there.

You can feel affection for the person without maintaining romantic or sexual interest. Haven’t you ever platonically loved a friend of the opposite sex?

Uh... No.

[Anonymous]

I think the first thing is to convince her for both of you to go into marriage counseling, together, and work out the what and why of her affair? It seems to me that this is the best way to get the information upon which you both can decide what is the next step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is a troll or a very VERY dumb guy.

I dont' think so. We see the same thing on here all the time, with genders reversed.

OP to me seems like a caring father whose main concern is his kids, which I find admirable. Look at how many DWs post on here about how their DH does not get involved in parenting at all. Now he's a guy focused on that 100% and he's still being criticized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Go see a lawyer
2. Getvan individual therapist to manage the emotions you will have through the process.
3. Wait till after the holidays and have her removed from the home, if she won't leave. You can do this in md if there is an affair.
4. Have a family therapist to help you with the kids.
5. Explain to your wife she has 1year to get her shot together if she want to remain married. She will run to her AP .. he will promptly dump her. She will need lots of therapy. Be removed but supportive. In a year you will either get s heathier wife or x wife. But your children need a mother not a train wreck and it's time to put your foot down.


Read chump lady so you dontbfalll into the BS, I did something wrong to cause this routine.

No marriage therapy until she has broken it off with AP for 6 months and been to individual therapy.

Removed from the home, get real.

Yes. In MD the cheater has to move out. Happened to 2 of my friends. They cheated and their H's lawyers up and had her served paper which ordered her to leave the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

LOLOLOLOL

If OP was a woman you would be singing a different tune. Classic DCUM

Actually, the first advice DCUM gives in situations like this, whether a woman or a man is:

1. Talk to an attorney, find out how to protect yourself legally
2. Gather information, then determine whether you want to save or discard the marriage given what you find that is true
3. Confront the spouse and proceed accordingly.

That is the approach. Moving out, taking kids, contacting the AP, etc. - none of those things are encouraged here, at least until the first 3 steps have occurred in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell from your post what is actually happening vs. your "sleuthing" and suspicious controlling nature and a child's reports to you (are you really basing your actions on a kid's version of events?).

Have you talked to your wife, asked for counseling, asked for for honesty, told her you are thinking of divorce? All of this sounds like a soap opera so far.

LOLOLOLOL

If OP was a woman you would be singing a different tune. Classic DCUM

Actually, the first advice DCUM gives in situations like this, whether a woman or a man is:

1. Talk to an attorney, find out how to protect yourself legally
2. Gather information, then determine whether you want to save or discard the marriage given what you find that is true
3. Confront the spouse and proceed accordingly.
4. Find a system of support for you (therapist, group, friends, etc.)

That is the approach. Moving out, taking kids, contacting the AP, etc. - none of those things are encouraged here, at least until the first 4 steps have occurred in order.

corrected above.

[Anonymous]

OP, just out of curiousity, what would you say to your wife if she had wanted to leave the kids with you for a few days and go to a resort by herself?

Would it have been cool with you, or would there have been a million excuses as to why she couldn’t, like your work schedule, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Yes, leave. Make sure to take the evidence before a judge. If kids ask when old enough explain what mom did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiousity, what would you say to your wife if she had wanted to leave the kids with you for a few days and go to a resort by herself?

Would it have been cool with you, or would there have been a million excuses as to why she couldn’t, like your work schedule, etc.?

That would of been no.problem. The issue is that based on her actions and some of tbe paper work I found and PI I hired, it is clear of her infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Go see a lawyer
2. Getvan individual therapist to manage the emotions you will have through the process.
3. Wait till after the holidays and have her removed from the home, if she won't leave. You can do this in md if there is an affair.
4. Have a family therapist to help you with the kids.
5. Explain to your wife she has 1year to get her shot together if she want to remain married. She will run to her AP .. he will promptly dump her. She will need lots of therapy. Be removed but supportive. In a year you will either get s heathier wife or x wife. But your children need a mother not a train wreck and it's time to put your foot down.


Read chump lady so you dontbfalll into the BS, I did something wrong to cause this routine.

No marriage therapy until she has broken it off with AP for 6 months and been to individual therapy.

Removed from the home, get real.

Yes. In MD the cheater has to move out. Happened to 2 of my friends. They cheated and their H's lawyers up and had her served paper which ordered her to leave the home.

This is not the law. Those women were either stupid or they had stupid lawyers or they were abusive to their husbands and your friends were too ashamed to admit it.

[Anonymous]

Get rock solid proof of affair. If you are in Virginia and make significantly more than her, she won't be entitled to any spousal support in a fault based divorce through adultery. Even if you decide not to proceed with divorce, having evidence is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

If I were you, I would pre-emptively separate. Set up your household, get a preliminary custody schedule. She wants space, let her have a real taste of what it would feel like. Not her idea of having space (everything remains as it is and she comes and go as she pleases while everyone is waiting for her), but the reality of living on her own.

Then, if you decide, proceed with divorce.

Do not talk her into anything. If she's the one pulling away, don't ask her to stay, don't say "if you can leave if you have therapy etc.". The general rule is if someone wants to go, let them go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her. Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids. She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character. I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort. My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids. It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop. The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior. I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is. Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy. My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life. I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts? I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences.

If I were you, I would pre-emptively separate. Set up your household, get a preliminary custody schedule. She wants space, let her have a real taste of what it would feel like. Not her idea of having space (everything remains as it is and she comes and go as she pleases while everyone is waiting for her), but the reality of living on her own.

Then, if you decide, proceed with divorce.

Do not talk her into anything. If she's the one pulling away, don't ask her to stay, don't say "if you can leave if you have therapy etc.". The general rule is if someone wants to go, let them go.

This is OP. Thank you for the insight. My DW believes in her mind that I have no proof of her affair. Even with pictures of her and AP together, including his name, she is in denial. She told me to move out now. I will be talking to a lawyer this week. I just do not know who she is anymore, and she just lies.