Are all moms kind of lame or just my mom friends?

[Anonymous]

OP - I would LOVE to go somewhere with you! I personally feel it's the culture of the DMV. I hate it here and can't stand any of my kids' mom friends. Terribly lonely. I have no family here and and 2 kids in elementary school. My husband and I both work but both of us are able to have nanny support in the evenings if needed but when kids are elementary school age, it's not as desperate. The short story is while I am terribly busy with work and family, I'm with you - I'd love to find a time to go away with a girlfriend! My husband is easy going enough to be comfortable with that as I am with him spending time away with his friends (if only we both had friends like this too!! LOL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a fairly recently added group of new mom friends, all of them from Europe. In general I admire how they still maintain parts of their identity instead of just falling into the mom trap. We've done a weekend away once a year (or even one night this year) and it has been a great time. I miss my kids but also recognize that a little break can make me come home and be a much better mom. I think its good to keep some parts of you that aren't kid related. I also think that the parenting style of everything in our lives being changed to accommodate our children may not be healthy in the long run.

All this just to say that loving our kids and needing a break are not opposites.

PP who spoke about my 21 month old and just enjoying her.

Having spent time in Europe, even with DD, it’s also a very different take on things. Children are just a part of their family, while I see here, they are treated like a burden.

While we were in Germany, many times we didn’t have to “choose”, as restaurants and areas were set up for both having children and not. We could hike, and have a beer and amazing in the forest, and DD could play at a playground. People rode in on horses, or whatever. There was a mix of people, but there were things for kids of all ages to do, and the kids were not the focus, as they were all playing together. It’s hard to entertain a kid squirming on your lap, but it’s easy to tucker one out at the provided playground, or watch them for a table away.

+1

I felt the same way, recently travelling in different parts of Central Europe. Public life is much more accommodating of kids in that way. If you take a kid to a restaurant in the US, you get dirty looks from other people. In other places, it's just normal, and people accept it. So it's easier to go out. It's easier to go hiking when the mountain huts have a place for kids to play while you relax with a beer. People are better at treating kids as part of life, rather than either beings around whom everything is structured or nuisances who should be kept at home. Things are just set up differently, and that changes the dynamic.

Yes! It is such a different way of looking at raising children, they are part of our lives but not our WHOLE lives. I love my kids to death and generally avoid leaving them any longer than I have to but I also really like being an adult. Germany is full of beer gardens with playgrounds. Why can't we do that here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a fairly recently added group of new mom friends, all of them from Europe. In general I admire how they still maintain parts of their identity instead of just falling into the mom trap. We've done a weekend away once a year (or even one night this year) and it has been a great time. I miss my kids but also recognize that a little break can make me come home and be a much better mom. I think its good to keep some parts of you that aren't kid related. I also think that the parenting style of everything in our lives being changed to accommodate our children may not be healthy in the long run.

All this just to say that loving our kids and needing a break are not opposites.

I don't hear any of the moms who don't got out party with the gals saying they feel like they are in a "mom trap" or that they have lost a part of their identity. Sound like they are doing exactly what they want to do and loving it.

I too enjoy a weekend away because I have family willing and able to babysit and we can afford it, but I don't think my friends who choose to nest with the family are trapped or boring. I think they have a lovely life too. I will add that a childless girlfriend arranged a surprise trip with my husband to "take me away from it all" when my first born was just an infant, and that was a terrible trip and a really, really bad idea. Trust others to know their own hearts and needs.

[Anonymous]

My kids are older, but neither of us has any relatives east of Interstate 5.

When the kids were young, going out meant finding a non-relative babysitter and really planning it all out and having time, money and energy on hand. Going out felt overwhelming when we were already tired from the week. Plus, we enjoyed our kids as people and were fine just spending time with them at home. Now they're tweens and teens and we all just hang out. We enjoy each other's company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a fairly recently added group of new mom friends, all of them from Europe. In general I admire how they still maintain parts of their identity instead of just falling into the mom trap. We've done a weekend away once a year (or even one night this year) and it has been a great time. I miss my kids but also recognize that a little break can make me come home and be a much better mom. I think its good to keep some parts of you that aren't kid related. I also think that the parenting style of everything in our lives being changed to accommodate our children may not be healthy in the long run.

All this just to say that loving our kids and needing a break are not opposites.

Exactly this. You can both "actually like" spending time with your kids, and enjoy spending time away from them. These are not mutually exclusive. I love my kids and we do lots together, but I also love spending time just with my husband, and with my friends, and alone. I can do all of these things and still love my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I would LOVE to go somewhere with you! I personally feel it's the culture of the DMV. I hate it here and can't stand any of my kids' mom friends. Terribly lonely. I have no family here and and 2 kids in elementary school. My husband and I both work but both of us are able to have nanny support in the evenings if needed but when kids are elementary school age, it's not as desperate. The short story is while I am terribly busy with work and family, I'm with you - I'd love to find a time to go away with a girlfriend! My husband is easy going enough to be comfortable with that as I am with him spending time away with his friends (if only we both had friends like this too!! LOL)

It is not just the culture of the DMV. I'm from the Midwest and friends I know there are the same way. E.g., we just had a major high school reunion and some people didn't go because they didn't want to miss their kid's baseball games (even though the kids play like 3 games/weekend). I also know plenty of women in this area who enjoy spending time away from their kids (myself included). You just need to find them, but they are there-- I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a fairly recently added group of new mom friends, all of them from Europe. In general I admire how they still maintain parts of their identity instead of just falling into the mom trap. We've done a weekend away once a year (or even one night this year) and it has been a great time. I miss my kids but also recognize that a little break can make me come home and be a much better mom. I think its good to keep some parts of you that aren't kid related. I also think that the parenting style of everything in our lives being changed to accommodate our children may not be healthy in the long run.

All this just to say that loving our kids and needing a break are not opposites.

Exactly this. You can both "actually like" spending time with your kids, and enjoy spending time away from them. These are not mutually exclusive. I love my kids and we do lots together, but I also love spending time just with my husband, and with my friends, and alone. I can do all of these things and still love my kids.

I love my kids, my partner, and my friends and spending time with them together and alone and I still think it’s shitty that OP is shitting on her friends for doing what she did just a few years earlier.

[Anonymous]

Try joining a Meetup group. I joined a women only foodie group. Almost everyone is closer to my parents age but I find it fun. We meet at different restaurants. It gives me a chance to get out of the house and dress up! I work from home and lately I feel like I am losing my mind/ myself. It's good to do something for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Another lame mom. My career is demanding and most of the people I spend time with who aren’t my family are from work. The big divide in my life is created by work, not mom status / number of kids. Lots of prior friends are on the other side of the divide.

[Anonymous]

So confused by your post OP. You are very quick to judge your "lame" friends, and say that a few years ago when you were the only one with a baby you would hang out with them and just bring your baby along. Now that they have babies/young kids, you're pissed that they won't drop everything to an out of town girls weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. I guess by your definition, most moms are "lame." I work full time and I have a toddler who I actually enjoy, so most of my free time is spent with said toddler. Also, my partner and I work opposite hours, so I can't just have him watch said child so I can go out whenever. I do keep up with friends though, we do child friendly activities or I host at my place after bed time. Maybe you are just so shitty no one wants to make time for you?

You're not lame, you're just a bitch. So you think any mom who spends any moment not at work away from her child doesn't "actually enjoy them"?

Well, OP wants to "escape" her children. That to me makes me think she doesn't enjoy time with them.

Seems my post struck a nerve with you though, sorry if you don't like your kids.

[Anonymous]

I am 41 and I guess I became lame. I've realized 'Moms Night Out' is not that fun for me anymore. I still like to go out to lunch/dinner/drinks with one or two close friends to catch up, but don't much enjoy a big group outing where the point is 'going out' rather than the company.

I've done trips alone with old friends that live across the country because I have to travel to see them. I also travel overseas to see family. I have less incentive to travel with local friends since I can see them locally. Any other travel, I like to do it with my family.

Believe it or not, I went out/went dancing/travelled a lot in my 20's and early 30's! I think I got it out of my system maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. I guess by your definition, most moms are "lame." I work full time and I have a toddler who I actually enjoy, so most of my free time is spent with said toddler. Also, my partner and I work opposite hours, so I can't just have him watch said child so I can go out whenever. I do keep up with friends though, we do child friendly activities or I host at my place after bed time. Maybe you are just so shitty no one wants to make time for you?

You're not lame, you're just a bitch. So you think any mom who spends any moment not at work away from her child doesn't "actually enjoy them"?

Well, OP wants to "escape" her children. That to me makes me think she doesn't enjoy time with them.

Seems my post struck a nerve with you though, sorry if you don't like your kids.

You can enjoy something and still want to get away from it (escape!). Sorry you can't figure that out.

[Anonymous]

I work FT. Any vacation time I have is reserved for my children and husband so I can spend quality time with them. I do like breaks, for a dinner or movie with girlfriends, but I'm not spending my personal days or my money on a vacation with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work FT. Any vacation time I have is reserved for my children and husband so I can spend quality time with them. I do like breaks, for a dinner or movie with girlfriends, but I'm not spending my personal days or my money on a vacation with you.

This. My kids are in child care or a combination of school and childcare for 8-9 hours a day. I work full time as does my husband, and we work different shifts so that we don't need to have the kids in child care for even longer hours. Yes, I like breaks but for the most part when I'm not working, I like to spend time with my family. Call it lame and you do you, but I'm doing what makes me happy. I have no desire to go on vacation at this point without my husband and would only do a short one without kids.