GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it

[Anonymous]

Second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience.

Sincerely,

Dr. Samuel Johnson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

What kind of guy are you? You are getting a a free ride, why complicate it with marriage? She seems to have more sense than you..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

What kind of guy are you? You are getting a a free ride, why complicate it with marriage? She seems to have more sense than you..

OP feels threatened by the fact that his girlfriend is a widow and thus probably would still be happily married to her first husband rather than wanting to be with OP if the husband hadn’t died. OP wants her to marry him and give up her husband’s pension as a sign that OP is more important to his girlfriend than her first husband was.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds dumb and this would be his second marriage after divorce which statistically don’t work out well. Why did your first marriage fail?

Your GF is smart not to marry you and give up her financial security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

On a side note, this is the difference between most women and most men.

[Anonymous]

OP, doesn't make sense to give up money. She is right. Plain and simple. Think about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

On a side note, this is the difference between most women and most men.

actually it what my Inlaws like to say since they hate anyone who married any of their sons. grandkids are blood, sons' wives are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

Men hit the skids after 50 real quick. Few of them are still alive for their 70’s. He wants an obligated caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

On a side note, this is the difference between most women and most men.

actually it what my Inlaws like to say since they hate anyone who married any of their sons. grandkids are blood, sons' wives are not.

My inlaws are like this too so I had to send down the message that their access to the grandkids depends on how nice they are to mama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

On a side note, this is the difference between most women and most men.

And that is why you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you think she should be willing to give up her financial security from this pension to marry you because you'll take care of her, you should be willing to put the current value of this pension in cold hard cash in an account in solely her name today.

If you're not willing to do that, what does it say about
a) your ability to actually take care of her financially in a manner that will replace the stability of the pension and/or
b) your faith that your relationship with her truly is forever, thus making the possibility of divorce (and you losing access to these funds) moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

Men hit the skids after 50 real quick. Few of them are still alive for their 70’s. He wants an obligated caretaker.

DCUM cliche #1: a woman writes “Men want this”, a man or men reply “No we don’t, we want that”, and a woman insists “No you’re wrong. You really want this”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

Men hit the skids after 50 real quick. Few of them are still alive for their 70’s. He wants an obligated caretaker.

DCUM cliche #1: a woman writes “Men want this”, a man or men reply “No we don’t, we want that”, and a woman insists “No you’re wrong. You really want this”.

DCUM cliche #2: attributing a particular pattern of posting behavior to the particular group you’re looking to malign when it’s done by people from all groups, including your own that you’re trying to defend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Listen, my own MIL died and my FIL married another woman a couple years later. They have been married for 3 years and while we all think she’s a nice lady and we happily include her in all family functions, let’s be real here:

She’s someone my husband met in his 30’s and we have both spent less than 50 days total with this person. If FIL were to die tomorrow we would probably never spend any time with her after the funeral. Not because we hate her, but because there’s no shared history, no common bond. It’s laughable to suggest that we would feel responsible for caring for her in old age the same way we would for FIL.

I would bet my house that your own children feel the same way towards your girlfriend. You sound really delusional.

OP, have you talked to your children about what they view their role towards your girlfriend? (Or future wife?)

I doubt any of them would sign up to be her caregiver in the future, especially if you pass away. At 50 you’re too old to be this stupid or naive. Basically, imagine your own parents get divorced and remarried next year. Would you take on responsibility for a new stepparent you didn’t grow up with? Or would you be a little annoyed that this new person was depleting your inheritance with their needs?

Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you think she should be willing to give up her financial security from this pension to marry you because you'll take care of her, you should be willing to put the current value of this pension in cold hard cash in an account in solely her name today.

If you're not willing to do that, what does it say about
a) your ability to actually take care of her financially in a manner that will replace the stability of the pension and/or
b) your faith that your relationship with her truly is forever, thus making the possibility of divorce (and you losing access to these funds) moot.

Yes. OP- what do you say to this?