GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

What kind of guy are you? You are getting a a free ride, why complicate it with marriage? She seems to have more sense than you..

OP feels threatened by the fact that his girlfriend is a widow and thus probably would still be happily married to her first husband rather than wanting to be with OP if the husband hadn’t died. OP wants her to marry him and give up her husband’s pension as a sign that OP is more important to his girlfriend than her first husband was.

Wow project much?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds financially stupid. His gf doesn’t want to marry someone that dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

What kind of guy are you? You are getting a a free ride, why complicate it with marriage? She seems to have more sense than you..

OP feels threatened by the fact that his girlfriend is a widow and thus probably would still be happily married to her first husband rather than wanting to be with OP if the husband hadn’t died. OP wants her to marry him and give up her husband’s pension as a sign that OP is more important to his girlfriend than her first husband was.

Wow project much?

OP is the one who attacked his girlfriend’s marriage with his comment about her going for an older guy, and then followed up with a comment about how her not wanting to give up the security of that pension was her “picking the ‘richer’ man.” Given that there are only two men involved here, OP and his girlfriend’s late husband, what other man could OP view this as choosing over him?

[Anonymous]

I love how you think she doesn't value marriage. Only one of you has been divorced and one of your is still honoring/respecting their spouse.

That's real rich OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a child in one of these situations, it's MUCH easier when the parents are not married. My dad is remarried. I do love and care for his wife, but it still complicates things with their estate. My only request was that they make it clear who gets what in all scenarios (aka: he dies first of she does) because I don't want to fight with her kids or really even have a conversation about it with them. My mother has had a partner for almost 20 years. They are not married. Her estate is incredibly straight forward. They kept everything separate, and both still own this own houses. His goes to his kids, hers goes to hers. I love the security of knowing I won't need to discuss it with step-siblings that I don't have THAT close of a relationship too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Listen, my own MIL died and my FIL married another woman a couple years later. They have been married for 3 years and while we all think she’s a nice lady and we happily include her in all family functions, let’s be real here:

She’s someone my husband met in his 30’s and we have both spent less than 50 days total with this person. If FIL were to die tomorrow we would probably never spend any time with her after the funeral. Not because we hate her, but because there’s no shared history, no common bond. It’s laughable to suggest that we would feel responsible for caring for her in old age the same way we would for FIL.

I would bet my house that your own children feel the same way towards your girlfriend. You sound really delusional.

This is the situation with my dad too and absolutely. My brother and I and our spouses like her well enough, mostly because she made my dad happy and of course we didn't want him to be lonely in his later years. But yes, we didn't know her until we were in our 30s -- so out of the house and grown. We never lived together.

Marriage complicates things, especially when both partners bring adult children to the marriage. Dad and his wife have been having marital problems lately and of course our loyalties lie with dad. It's also a fight about money so when money is involved everyone gets weird. Best just not to go there.

[Anonymous]

If you have grown children marriage can be financially challenging. Especially if one set of adult kids are needy and the others aren't...which is the reason my MIL never married her long term boyfriend. His kids were a financial disaster and she wanted to protect her assets she worked so hard for.

They stayed together until he passed away and it was fine. She bought him a new truck every few years, loved his children and grandchildren, but did not combine assets.

[Anonymous]

Even if your children were to have the best of intentions toward your girlfriend, if their mother suddenly needed financial support at the same time your girlfriend did, it would be very natural for them to direct their support to their own mother and expect your girlfriend’s kids could help her.