GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

Apparently she is the wiser one. At that age you should be happy to live together and have a partner. You both can leave your kids a decent inheritance and hopefully have their respect. My dad ended up marrying a woman that ended up with all the assets. Even the ones that were suppose to goes to his kids. He didn't foresee getting sick and dependent on her. Whereby he didn't want to disappoint her at our expense. Don't get married at your age. Put your kids first, apparently she is which I admire!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not selfish to want to use the money her deceased husband earned.

+1

And she is right about second marriages, children, grandchildren, and estate planning.

In her shoes, I would not want to remarry, either.

+1

Isn't this common sense??????

[Anonymous]

what is wrong with you?!!!? She's looking out for all the children--yours included-- and making sure she maintains her financial independence and is not going to be a burden or cause conflict if one of you kicks the bucket before the other and all you can do is attack her for the fact that she married someone before you who had the means to provide for her--provisions that you want to take away as some sort of messed up form of control?

I doubt I would get remarried if I were widowed--esp with the issue of step children,e tc (I have a stepchild already and am one and it is COMPLICATED)-but I would never marry someone who disrespected me or my late spouse in the way you did.

[Anonymous]

I am with her. There is no darn chance in the world that I would give a cent of my late husband's money to anyone other than my children/his children.

Even if the chances that the new boyfriend turned out to be a selfish dick were 0.0000001, I will not take that chance at my children's expense. Never.

If a new boyfriend loved me, he will love me just the same without getting married. My children came first, and they will always be first. End of story.

[Anonymous]

My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

Your children will not take care of her. Wake the hell up. She is not their mother.

She is 49 not 20. She has to be practical.

You better stick with this woman because with your naivity, you could easily end up marrying some woman who you'd quickly entrust your money to hoping she will pass on whatever she has left to your children because "they genuinely like each other". You would earn up turning in your grave with disappointment and regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.

It’s a knee jerk reaction that many insecure men have. Hence so many examples on DCUM.

It's alright.

I'd rather be a gold digger than a fool.

Her children don't have to take care of her if she keeps her late husband's pension instead of taking a chance on a new man who thinks she is a gold digger. lol

Kudos to her for being smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what is wrong with you?!!!? She's looking out for all the children--yours included-- and making sure she maintains her financial independence and is not going to be a burden or cause conflict if one of you kicks the bucket before the other and all you can do is attack her for the fact that she married someone before you who had the means to provide for her--provisions that you want to take away as some sort of messed up form of control?

I doubt I would get remarried if I were widowed--esp with the issue of step children,e tc (I have a stepchild already and am one and it is COMPLICATED)-but I would never marry someone who disrespected me or my late spouse in the way you did.

+1 Claiming I only married my husband for his pension would be the last time I talked to this douche canoe. There's no coming back from that. He didn't question her love for him, he questioned and denigrated her love for her deceased husband. Total scumbag move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

Why the hell do you want to get married anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

He wants someone to guarantee take care of him, that’s why. Men don’t age well.

Liar. 50-year-old men don’t think in those terms. Liar and moron.

He’s a romantic and she, an average woman in her 40s, cares about her bank balance for the rest of her life.

This is definitely not a compliment for the OP. You basically said that he is stupid and willing to give away his children's inheritance to a woman due to hormones.

The average woman her 40s is looling after herself and consequently after her children(they would be the one to carry the burden if Prince Charming here does not live up to his promises or dies early). Smart Lady!

[Anonymous]

I wish the OPs girlfriend would chime in a do a AMA post, she sounds smart, practical, puts her kids first and strong enough to stand on her own after the death of her husband and children's father. We need more women like that posting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are my blood. They will always come first before first regardless.

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds smart. And you sound like a jerk. You should apologize to her.

This.

I know a couple army widows who similarly are not remarrying to preserve their benefits. It's the smart thing to do.

You don't need the piece of paper. But is she opposed to living together? I wonder if she isn't interested in cooking and cleaning for you? Can't say I blame her. Perhaps offer to hire a housekeeper to entice her to move in with you?

It sounds like you want ft companionship, and that's legit. I'd want someone in my bed every night, too. See if she's open to cohabitating without marriage. Both of you can keep your own homes, rent one or both out, etc.

She's totally correct when it comes to protecting assets. Imagine if you get dementia or some such and your adult kids screw her out of your house and assets. Not worth the risk.

Lastly, it's fair to question her love and loyalty. She sounds more rational than emotional. I bet she would cut and run if you were diagnosed with ED or cancer. Better to find out now than further down the road.

This. My husband is retired military. If he passes, I get his pension and life long health care. He stayed in his 20 to make sure I was well cared for if something happened and the health insurance alone is a big deal. What would happen if I remarried and divorced? I'd lose the pension, health insurance because of my new marriage, then at divorce I'd be left with nothing. If there were no pension/insurance, I'd remarry no issue but for that reason alone I can never get remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

LOL at "the value you hold in marriage." Your GF is supposed to sacrifice her financial security and independence because you value marriage so much you've been divorced?

And a second LOL to the fact that you think she's "selfish" because she doesn't want to become financially dependent on you to maintain her lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

Your children will not take care of her. Wake the hell up. She is not their mother.

She is 49 not 20. She has to be practical.

You better stick with this woman because with your naivity, you could easily end up marrying some woman who you'd quickly entrust your money to hoping she will pass on whatever she has left to your children because "they genuinely like each other". You would earn up turning in your grave with disappointment and regret.

Amen!