GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Men are too much work.

Love my DH, but definitely wouldn't remarry. I'm 35 with a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

+1. Agree and I am a woman in her 50s. I don’t know any woman around my age who wants to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

+1. Agree and I am a woman in her 50s. I don’t know any woman around my age who wants to get married.

Unless they need money - better financials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

Speaking as a fellow widow, if my SO made a below the belt comment like that about my motives for marrying my late DH, the father of my children, we’d be done. I am glad to have a long term romantic relationship, but I don’t need it to feel complete. My number 1 priority is to care for my children who lost their father. Your soon-to-be ex-GF is putting their interests first, as she should, and protecting their assets by not entangling funds.

[Anonymous]

Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.

[Anonymous]

She’s very smart. And she doesn’t want your kids and grandkids to deal with a bunch of legal and financial drama in the future. Honestly, she’s a keeper.

You can be completely committed to each other without being married. If you love each other, just do that.

[Anonymous]

She’s really smart and her reasoning makes perfect sense. What is she going to do if you die first? Your kids will want/get your money. She needs to look after herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Men are too much work.

Love my DH, but definitely wouldn't remarry. I'm 35 with a toddler.

+1. Same here except 45 with teenagers.

I agree wth the girlfriend about the finances. Not sure who has the late teens but I thought it’s possible FAFSA will include step parent income. Also, in general, not getting married allows you to financially support your kids as you see fit. If you want to give your kids a downpayment for a house, not an issue. If she wants to use some of the money left by deceased husband for her child’s college, house, wedding, grad school, not an issue. If you want to leave all your money to your kids in your will, not an issue. Same for her. Once you get married, it gets a lot more complicated. My dad remarried shortly after divorcing my mom. He purchased a house with his proceeds from my parents house. He was married for a few years and I think ended up divorcing the second wife. She was entitled to half the value of the house they purchased while married. I don’t know if she passed away after the divorce or during but somehow her daughter with 4 kids ended up getting her proceeds from the house. I also remember during their brief marriage it was an issue that she wanted the daughter to move in and I think may have been financially helping that daughter.

So anyway, I do think it is about her not needing to depend on you, your kids, her kids to be able to retire, as well as making sure her kids are protected financially (especially since her deceased husband made sure they were taken care of financially) and that your kids don’t have money as a possible wedge with their growing relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

Speaking as a fellow widow, if my SO made a below the belt comment like that about my motives for marrying my late DH, the father of my children, we’d be done. I am glad to have a long term romantic relationship, but I don’t need it to feel complete. My number 1 priority is to care for my children who lost their father. Your soon-to-be ex-GF is putting their interests first, as she should, and protecting their assets by not entangling funds.

+1 you’ve likely done some major damage here, OP. Don’t be surprised if she reevaluates your relationship in light of what you said.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she wants to leave behind her own inheritance for her own kids. Gets messy when other kids are involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.

It’s a knee jerk reaction that many insecure men have. Hence so many examples on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.

It’s a knee jerk reaction that many insecure men have. Hence so many examples on DCUM.

No OP is insinuating that his gf married her husband who was older so he would die quicker and she would get his pension. That’s the gold digger comment.

[Anonymous]

Why would your kids be willing to take care of her? Sorry but they will likely be dealing with their own mother, you, and their in-laws, as wellas raising children. Nobody has the time or money for an additional aging adult, especially a woman who may have a long lifespan. They get along well, whoop de doo, eldercare is a massive undertaking. You need to get real (like your girlfriend).

[Anonymous]

She has to look after herself. I would do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.

It’s a knee jerk reaction that many insecure men have. Hence so many examples on DCUM.

No OP is insinuating that his gf married her husband who was older so he would die quicker and she would get his pension. That’s the gold digger comment.

Still stands. He figures she only did the first marriage for financial reasons. That’s the only logical reason for not wanting him, right?