GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it

[Anonymous]

Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

So she was straightforward and honest about her plans, and told you she doesn't want to combine finances to avoid future resentment and turmoil, and you ... called her a gold digger?

Men are so emotional and illogical.

[Anonymous]

Its kind of a deal breaker, If marriage is something you want and isn't something she wants, it isn't something you can compromise you.

You either need to find a way to be okay with not being married or you need to move on and find someone that wants to get married.

I doubt she is looking to you as a provider at all. She is an independent woman. I am not far off from her age and her attitude would be a total turn off for me.

[Anonymous]

I think you have your answer, OP. Either you continue the relationship knowing marriage is out, or you end it. I don't think you can -- or have a right to try -- to convince her to change her mind.

Many couples at your age don't combine finances even if they do marry, and marriage at this point is pretty optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its kind of a deal breaker, If marriage is something you want and isn't something she wants, it isn't something you can compromise you.

You either need to find a way to be okay with not being married or you need to move on and find someone that wants to get married.

I doubt she is looking to you as a provider at all. She is an independent woman. I am not far off from her age and her attitude would be a total turn off for me.

your attitude (not hers)

[Anonymous]

It’s not selfish to want to use the money her deceased husband earned.

[Anonymous]

She’s 50 and will have a pension. No way anywone should give that up. And at 62 or 65 she might get her deceased husbands social security.

I’d give you up before that solid boost to retirement.

[Anonymous]

It took you two years to have this conversation?

She is being very smart about this. My FIL and his wife weren’t and now she’s 80 and has Alzheimer’s and it’s a mess because of they way their finances are set up. Her kids don’t want to help or even visit and she signed control of her trust to them so FIL is stuck caring for her without adequate resources. He just always thought everyone would be nice and work things out but that’s not what’s happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have your answer, OP. Either you continue the relationship knowing marriage is out, or you end it. I don't think you can -- or have a right to try -- to convince her to change her mind.

Many couples at your age don't combine finances even if they do marry, and marriage at this point is pretty optional.

I dont think the woman will get her pension if she does marry. Making it a complete no go. Not optional.

[Anonymous]

Grow up OP. Its so refreshing to finally hear something from a smart woman and her finances. Too many threads with clueless women who live with spouses they hate, or can't get a job after being SAHM and husband has traded them for a newer model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

LOL too late for all that.

Also - yeah and her plan worked. Go hotmama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have your answer, OP. Either you continue the relationship knowing marriage is out, or you end it. I don't think you can -- or have a right to try -- to convince her to change her mind.

Many couples at your age don't combine finances even if they do marry, and marriage at this point is pretty optional.

I dont think the woman will get her pension if she does marry. Making it a complete no go. Not optional.

I agree - I meant marriage is optional when you're older, and shouldn't be a deal breaker for OP. It's obviously a deal breaker for his GF because it would cost her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I am 48 and girlfriend is 49. We both have children that are late teens- early 20s and are both excited to share this new phase of life with someone we love. Have been dating for 2 years. I am divorced (over a decade) and she is widowed (for about 7 years now) and we have talked about living together when kids are gone. I broached the topic of marriage and was shocked to find out she has no interest. She will start drawing her deceased husband pension at 58 and she said she has calculated that figure into her long term planning and isn't willing to change plans. She knows I make good money and can provide a similar lifestyle (if not grander) but she was very firm and mentioned how "messy things can get with older children and grandchildren and no one will want to support their dads 2nd wife". She feels strongly about it and does not want to "muck up a good situation by combining assets." I think she just doesn't want to give up the pension and that to me is pretty selfish. She is a physicians assistant so she can live on her own earning power if needed. (right now she works part time) I ended up making hurtful comment about how she obviously had a plan marrying an older guy and now I regret that. I just thought she and I were on the same page. I want to be with her but don't know if I can give up the value I hold in marriage. And advice?

Why do you need to get married? What will change if you get married? Do you live together? Maybe she would consider that if you don't? Either way, you should apologize for being a jerk. People want honesty and when they get it then they are mean about it.

[Anonymous]

Why are men so nonplussed when women don't want to be taken care of? What's the problem OP?

[Anonymous]

I’m with her. I would never ever remarry. Shack up.