Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This a useful, fascinating, and somewhat depressing thread. I totally identify with the OP; we were small-town middle class and now have a gross income that puts us in the 1%-ish demographic. I feel like my entire life since college has been spent trying to crack the code of all the things that I didn't know that everyone else did. It's even more extreme for my husband, whose family lost everything in a revolution before they fled here. He looked in amazement at our kids when they were ordering in a restaurant one day and said "I didn't know how to do that until I was in my 20s." His family never had the money to go out to dinner.

Here's the thing though - we don't try that hard to make our kids fit into some social standard of UMC. We want them to be smart, kind, well-behaved, interested in the world, and have a powerful moral compass. Beyond that, well, if they want to learn to ski, great, but it's not a priority.

Maybe we're just lazy, but part of being a once penniless, clueless immigrant helped give my husband incredible disdain for peer pressure. He literally could care less if other people don't think he's good enough because he can't ski; he knows he is because he knows what it took to get where he is. I don't have that inner confidence at all. One of our kids takes after him in that department and I really wish that both did.

Your husband has made the money; the culture and class follows. That's what your kids are developing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are confusing UMC with "old money."

Agreed.

Some things are certainly not on the "required" UMC list: horseback riding, cotillion, country clubs, etc. Nothing wrong if you're into those things but you certainly won't stand out if you don't. Same with the butter.

Swim lessons are a must for everyone though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tons of UMC don't care about the butter. I feel like you people don't know what UMC means.

UMC means in the top 33% and well educated.

Yes, and that includes lots of people who don't care about the butter.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the butter discussion fascinating! I had no idea that you are not supposed to butter your whole piece of bread

Really? You are either young (under 35) or not raised UMC.

I'm am 45 and raised UMC and never heard about the butter thing. My parents and I also don't have a stick up my butt so.....

Do what you want with your butter! YOLO.

Having good manners means a person is uptight?

Uptight = Spending any length of time thinking about how anyone butters their bread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the butter discussion fascinating! I had no idea that you are not supposed to butter your whole piece of bread

Really? You are either young (under 35) or not raised UMC.

I'm am 45 and raised UMC and never heard about the butter thing. My parents and I also don't have a stick up my butt so.....

Do what you want with your butter! YOLO.

Having good manners means a person is uptight?

Uptight = Spending any length of time thinking about how anyone butters their bread

+1 pat of butter

[Anonymous]

Actually this is the correct butter advice

http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/03/manner-matters-bread-butter-basics.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are confusing UMC with "old money."

Not really. Everything posted on this thread is pretty basic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's a Southern thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

My understanding is that's a southern thing, and where I come from you have to be invited to attend.

[Anonymous]

Miss Manners/Judith Martin is a wonderful writer, and her etiquette guides feature just the sort of behind-the-scenes explanations you might appreciate.

Table manners, as the Butter People have pointed out, are definitely a way to signal that you belong. Also make sure you're a member of the Napkin People (dirty ones go on your chair, not the table) and the Plate Posse (no, wait staff, you can't have my plate until everyone else has finished eating too.)

Another dog whistle is behavior at live performances. Anyone with enough cash can get tickets to a concert, play, etc. But knowing what to do when you're there is what sets some folks apart. Don't unwrap crinkly candies. Don't clap until the conductor turns around (sometimes the silence is part of the piece). And for the sweet love of everything holy, know that any New Year's concert worth its salt is going to have two encore pieces not on the program. Only rubes leave before the "Beautiful Blue Danube" and the "Radetzky March."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Grew up upper middle class and I was taught that you're supposed to put a pat of butter on your plate and then take that butter to butter your bread - because you don't want to get bread crumbs on the stick of butter.

Crumbs on the stick???
What about spit from the great you eat, saliva, Candida, herpes, whatever else from the those all over places they use their tongues. Lol
Yeah..Crumbs on a stick. With your UMC. Lol
And then go Post about all that in health forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the listed items are either wastes of time (e.g. butter) or enjoyable consumption goods that anyone would purchase more of if richer (e.g. travel), so the advice given seems to amount to "spend more money!"

Which is fine, but perhaps underscores what is confusing about the question; the difference between the rich and the affluent is merely the amount of goods purchased.

But see manners aren't a waste of time. If op wants to fit in, manners are one of those subtle "free" signals of wealth and status.

Are you under the impression middle class parents don't teach their children manners?

[Anonymous]

Put your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down.