DH has a bank account I didn't know about

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. He just voluntarily told you that he has managed to save $300k, and you are wondering if you should be upset. How about instead thanking him for saving $300,000!! I would be THRILLED if my husband told me about a bank account containing money like that! It's not like he had a secret account and you discovered it when you found out about his affair or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

These two statements are inconsistent with each other. Having actively managed accounts is a frivolous expense. Take a few hours or a day and read the Bogleheads wiki and manage these yourself. You are literally throwing away thousands of dollars on fees with actively managed funds.

So, everyone who uses a financial advisor is using money frivolously?? That makes no sense.

Yup!

True for most people. Unless you have an extremely complicated tax or legal situation, there is no reason to do this.

It does require some taking ownership/initiative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. He just voluntarily told you that he has managed to save $300k, and you are wondering if you should be upset. How about instead thanking him for saving $300,000!! I would be THRILLED if my husband told me about a bank account containing money like that! It's not like he had a secret account and you discovered it when you found out about his affair or something like that.

Ha -- this is proof that the DCUM squad will adopt a negative posture to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

These two statements are inconsistent with each other. Having actively managed accounts is a frivolous expense. Take a few hours or a day and read the Bogleheads wiki and manage these yourself. You are literally throwing away thousands of dollars on fees with actively managed funds.

So, everyone who uses a financial advisor is using money frivolously?? That makes no sense.

Yup!

True for most people. Unless you have an extremely complicated tax or legal situation, there is no reason to do this.

It does require some taking ownership/initiative

Not everyone has the time to that. I mean if that is your thought process, you should never pay for any service...

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this kind of sounds like a collection to me. Some guys collect old comic books, or model trains, or baseball cards, your DH collects stocks. He may see it as a hobby that's been part of his life for so long that he doesn't know how to do without it and doesn't particularly see why you should be involved. It's his version of 1970s Batman comics in the original plastic wrappers, especially because he's been hoarding the dividends for decades and not spending it, just like you'd do with a box of comics in the attic. His perspective may be a little warped, but I wouldn't necessarily ascribe anything nefarious to it.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very bothered if I had to scrimp and save to pay for things for the kids -- presumably our children together - while he has $300k on the side. I wouldn't be as irritated if debt was all purchases for me personally. But my partner allowing me to stress out and go into debt for activities for the kids - I'd be pissed.

[Anonymous]

I started an account for my DC when born and told DH- he was on board. After 15 years of investing it grew and we file joint tax returns- with growth stocks there aren't a ton of dividends. We each work and pay household bills equally. His "extra" he spent and "my extra" went to this account for our child. Now separating and he wants half! Just stinks! Dear OP the money is half yours so don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Op, he needs it to feel secure
Something about the relationship between you two, he needed this to feel secure
Accept it

[Anonymous]

1. He told you about it, so there's nothing nefarious going on.

2. Folks, some couples file separate tax returns. That would explain why she never noticed it. Or else she is oblivious, in which case, she's lousy with money and good job OP's DH for keeping the account on the side.

3. People have a habit of spending exactly as much as they make. The number rule to saving is to do it automatically so you never even see it. This is what DH was doing. She lived just fine on less money and in exchange they have a real nice nest egg. It's a shame DH told her about it now. It'll be gone in a year.

[Anonymous]

Damn there are some miserable SOBs on this board.

[Anonymous]

Op- how did he respond to your request that your name be added to the account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she pay off her own credit card debt if she's working. As the DH of someone who has more than taken advantage of me during our marriage, I would love to have $300K squirreled away as mad money for the inevitable divorce. Women are told ad infinatum to hide and save because you "never know." Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Suck it up cupcakes!

You guys are idiots. That money was earned throughout a 20 year marriage so it's half hers if they get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started an account for my DC when born and told DH- he was on board. After 15 years of investing it grew and we file joint tax returns- with growth stocks there aren't a ton of dividends. We each work and pay household bills equally. His "extra" he spent and "my extra" went to this account for our child. Now separating and he wants half! Just stinks! Dear OP the money is half yours so don't worry about it.

Wow, he wants to take half of the money set aside for his own child?? What a selfish prick. Is there any way you can put it in DC's name so he can't get to it?

[Anonymous]

There's some disconnect on his part if he's squirreling away $ and yet comfortable paying god knows what percent on CC interest. You said you had even more debt earlier in your marriage! It's very possible the gains on the principal and dividends are wiped out by CC interest you've paid -not very smart.

I'd
1. Buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the $
2. Demand to be added to the account
3. Pay off our debt and then cut up our credit cards
4. Adjust spending and what $ gets skimmed into the account for investments so that we're not in the red each month
5. Get myself educated about $
6. Get on the same page about spending and saving priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started an account for my DC when born and told DH- he was on board. After 15 years of investing it grew and we file joint tax returns- with growth stocks there aren't a ton of dividends. We each work and pay household bills equally. His "extra" he spent and "my extra" went to this account for our child. Now separating and he wants half! Just stinks! Dear OP the money is half yours so don't worry about it.

How much is in your account? A good lawyer will beat this back and keep him from this jerk move.