DH has a bank account I didn't know about

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I assume your financial life was more seperate before they came along? If stocks are a "hobby" of his, this may make more sense. It sounds like perhaps money wasn't tight before you had kids, and now that you do, it is, and the money he's taking for this matters more to your daily living. Do you do a monthly budget?

[Anonymous]

There isn't any justification for this. You should be very worried.

[Anonymous]

Well...maybe he realizes you need to save, especially with kids. And your response was that you barely have enough money for activities for the kids or clothes for yourself. Son maybe he is rightfully worried that you would spend this money on clothes for yourself or a dumb swim class for your kids or something. I don't see this as a very bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not bad with money. I have under 5k in debt. I'm responsible. I work hard. Not sure where that came from.

Your husband managed to squirrel away $300k without hurting your standard of living; you have a $5k debt (credit card I think you said?).

No question in his eyes you are bad with money. Why have you not made saving a priority? $220k is modest for DC but you should be able to Avoid debt. Did you have different financial experiences growing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well...maybe he realizes you need to save, especially with kids. And your response was that you barely have enough money for activities for the kids or clothes for yourself. Son maybe he is rightfully worried that you would spend this money on clothes for yourself or a dumb swim class for your kids or something. I don't see this as a very bad thing.

I agree they merry need to Save more but he doesn't get too unilaterally make the decision

[Anonymous]

We've Been married for almost 20 years. He has always been frugal, which was attractive to me bc I saw that as very responsible and that I could not be so worried about money. So, isn't this an interesting turn of events. Ugh I just didn't feel like I had to have my guard up. I've known him forever. This seems surreal. He acts as if I'm crazy to be concerned.

$5k, that is for children's camps, clothes, helping out family...if that's being bad with money then yes, I guess I am.

[Anonymous]

There would likely be tax implications with an account that large unless it is in a retirement account or tax free bonds (and then it wouldn't grow that much). Check out your tax returns because he will have to file a special form. If he hasn't been paying taxes then you have to resolve that issue as well.

[Anonymous]

How can you state that you make $220k but not know what take home pay is?

[Anonymous]

I'm definitely going to have to do my homework.

Thank you for all your responses. I have to go to work. I will check back later this evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've Been married for almost 20 years. He has always been frugal, which was attractive to me bc I saw that as very responsible and that I could not be so worried about money. So, isn't this an interesting turn of events. Ugh I just didn't feel like I had to have my guard up. I've known him forever. This seems surreal. He acts as if I'm crazy to be concerned.

$5k, that is for children's camps, clothes, helping out family...if that's being bad with money then yes, I guess I am.

I could see him not being happy with incurring debt to "help family", depending on the circumstances. Also not worth going into debt over camps and clothes. I mean, it's not like he's hiding a murder conviction or the fact that he's a Megan's Law registrant from you. You just don't sound great with money and he was looking out for your family. Can you honestly be mad about that? Reverse the gender roles here. People would be championing you.

[Anonymous]

Don't let DCUM get under your skin on this - people will do a lot of projecting here and you're going to get responses that don't accurately reflect your situation. If he's been doing this your whole marriage, so 20 years, then it's probably not been a ton of money each month. If he's had an interest in stock research since he was a teen, then this is probably "hobby money" in his mind. I get why you're upset, I would be too, but when you dig into it, the reality may not be all that awful. Stocks have had a huge run up recently - if that's 20 years of investing it didn't have to be a ton of money monthly.

I will say that if you were reviewing your tax returns you would have seen this though. There would have been a 1099 and reported income and such. I think you can take this as a warning shot that you need to be more involved in your joint financial life. In your shoes I'd consider taking him with you to a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. He talks slot about debt, but also more comprehensive ideas about your family finances that could be helpful to you guys.

[Anonymous]

Just keep your eyes and ears open. If he ever does divorce you, if the money was initially deposited during the marriage, it's half yours anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has about $300,000 worth of stock in it. I didn't know about this account. He says it is for "us". But if that was so, then why do I not know about it? This all came to light when we were talking about budgeting and how to spend less on the credit card. We have minimal debt, other than the house payment but dh worries about it. That's when he mentioned that account. It's not retirement or college account. It is just sitting there. Meanwhile, I've been scrimping and saving to pay for kids activities, etc, nevermind clothing or whatever for me. All this time that money was there. He says he just didn't think to lay everything out and it wasn't purposeful. He has always been tight with money but I didn't think of him as being dishonest. Would you be upset about this?

I work full time. My paycheck goes into the joint account. He knows where my money is. It feels unfair.

If you're "scrimping and saving" and have $5K in consumer debt on $220K per year you're doing something wrong. Even worse if he's the sole earner because that means a significant amount of that $220K isn't subject to SS withholdings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you are bad with money and he thought if you knew about it then you would spend it

Yes, this sounds feasible. Doesn't mean it's ok that he took this approach.

[Anonymous]

I'd consider this a kind of financial cheating because he hid it. We're only hearing your side, and he might say you're not careful with money and spend everything, which would be the only excuse for him doing this. From what you say, though, he's opaque on his spending and he hides all this money, so I'd feel betrayed and vulnerable.

When my husband opened another account and hid it from me, it was for very bad reasons that I can't bear to go into here.

You need to have a serious talk about financial transparency. His need to have that savings is obviously important to his peace of mind. If I were you, I'd open my own account and put aside some of my paycheck. Stop putting everything into the household kitty, since it's leaving you vulnerable and he's not on the same page as you. He doesn't share your attitude of "everything mine is yours."