Without being told, how did you know about an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot reason with the righteous victims in this thread. They are never, ever going to do anything but blast that poster, because their own DH/DW hurt them, so they resort to inane analogies to theft and on and on.

Apparently!

Indeed. I posted about the small, non-harmful actions that spiral into affairs, and I am also one of the "victims" of cheating. I am reconciled with my DH, who had an EA with a coworker, and it did indeed start innocently enough.

[Anonymous]

His face smelled like pussy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot reason with the righteous victims in this thread. They are never, ever going to do anything but blast that poster, because their own DH/DW hurt them, so they resort to inane analogies to theft and on and on.

Apparently!

Indeed. I posted about the small, non-harmful actions that spiral into affairs, and I am also one of the "victims" of cheating. I am reconciled with my DH, who had an EA with a coworker, and it did indeed start innocently enough.

You are wrong. Those "small, non-harmful actions" are not "non-harmful" because the person doing them knows full well they are deliberately heading down the road to wrongdoing. Your husband was not "innocent" when he started that EA. What he did with her is called SEDUCTION. You don't start a seduction in the bedroom with your clothes off. You start it loooong before that, with a series of "small, non-harmful actions" that gradually escalate and that make it hard for her to say no to any particular "small, non-harmful" step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot reason with the righteous victims in this thread. They are never, ever going to do anything but blast that poster, because their own DH/DW hurt them, so they resort to inane analogies to theft and on and on.

Apparently!

Indeed. I posted about the small, non-harmful actions that spiral into affairs, and I am also one of the "victims" of cheating. I am reconciled with my DH, who had an EA with a coworker, and it did indeed start innocently enough.

You are wrong. Those "small, non-harmful actions" are not "non-harmful" because the person doing them knows full well they are deliberately heading down the road to wrongdoing. Your husband was not "innocent" when he started that EA. What he did with her is called SEDUCTION. You don't start a seduction in the bedroom with your clothes off. You start it loooong before that, with a series of "small, non-harmful actions" that gradually escalate and that make it hard for her to say no to any particular "small, non-harmful" step.

Oh, come on. Who said HE seduced HER? usually it is a two way street that is welcomed by both parties, regardless of who makes the first move. They were both seduced -- by each other, by circumstances, by a fantasy. That plus it as an EA, not PA.

Stop seeing life in black and white.

[Anonymous]

after reading this 3 red flags popped up about my marriage. Don't think an affair(s) actually happened though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot reason with the righteous victims in this thread. They are never, ever going to do anything but blast that poster, because their own DH/DW hurt them, so they resort to inane analogies to theft and on and on.

Apparently!

Indeed. I posted about the small, non-harmful actions that spiral into affairs, and I am also one of the "victims" of cheating. I am reconciled with my DH, who had an EA with a coworker, and it did indeed start innocently enough.

You are wrong. Those "small, non-harmful actions" are not "non-harmful" because the person doing them knows full well they are deliberately heading down the road to wrongdoing. Your husband was not "innocent" when he started that EA. What he did with her is called SEDUCTION. You don't start a seduction in the bedroom with your clothes off. You start it loooong before that, with a series of "small, non-harmful actions" that gradually escalate and that make it hard for her to say no to any particular "small, non-harmful" step.

No. You are wrong. They were friendly colleagues for several years beforehand. I had met her several times, and he talked about projects they worked on together - completely ordinary things, which he had done without incident with many other colleagues of both genders. He had no interest in a physical affair, and she didn't want to be seduced. They just became good friends. However, after a few years she decided to change careers - to do something that he had always wanted to do. At that point, something shifted in their previously casual friendship. He wanted to help her find the perfect situation, and they spent hours talking intensely about her hopes and dreams. The idea of escape appealed greatly to him, and he transferred that into a fascination with her. He also was an alcoholic, and post work happy hours played their part in impairing his judgment. He no longer drinks, which saved our marriage in many other ways. But his EA really did start innocently, and he never intended to do the damage he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse didn't tell you, how did you first know about an affair?

What signs were there, if any? If you "just had a feeling," what brought on the feeling?

I found the medical bill for the abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His face smelled like pussy.

SO gross. Did you call him on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His face smelled like pussy.

SO gross. Did you call him on it?

So hot...

[Anonymous]

He said he was out with some friends, but he came home smelling like ginger-peach body wash. (At least he took a shower, before he came home and didn't smell like pussy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound odd, but I frequently have dreams when things aren't right. For whatever reason my dreams and my reality are closely linked. I tend to be a pretty oblivious (**trusting) person, so something can be happening right underneath my nose and I won't see it, but my dreams alert me to things. No matter how wrong I want them to be they were always accurate with my ex

+1, me too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:after reading this 3 red flags popped up about my marriage. Don't think an affair(s) actually happened though

What were the red flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse didn't tell you, how did you first know about an affair?

What signs were there, if any? If you "just had a feeling," what brought on the feeling?

I found the medical bill for the abortion.

I found a medical document showing his STD testing and results. In addition to the STD tests, the Dr. had written the narrative details of sexual encounters and partners in the medical history section of the chart.

No "signs" or "feelings" were present before that discovery. He never said anything to me about being unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD14 read her mom's diary and told me. It's been a tough few years.

That's horrible

Thanks. We are still trying to work on our marriage, but of course DD told a few of her friends so basically our whole circle knows, as well as her AP's wife and children. In a way that makes it easier. But DD and DW have really struggled to get along. I never though I'd use the words "moral authority" as it sounds so old fashioned, but when you do something really bad and the kids know, it becomes very hard to be a parent. DD is really disrespectful of DW and when they fight, it's awful. I don't really know what to do, some bells you just can't unring.

Honestly, there is nothing to do. Trust is earned, but cheaters tend to think they are owed it.

The best you can do is teach your daughter to treat the DW with the same amount of respect given to any stranger on the streeet. Beyond that, your DD should know that it is OK to disengage from the DW and just retreat to a private space like her bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:after reading this 3 red flags popped up about my marriage. Don't think an affair(s) actually happened though

What were the red flags?

Found diary before marriage I think, long time ago. She wrote how she missed her exbf - confronted her about this she was mad i read it. It was under the bed, I was picking up saw a notebook and opened it was the first page i saw

Was always going out to lunch with her boss. He would take her with him whenever he had to go someplace for the day - doesn''t work there any longer but said it was because she didn't have much work to do and he thought it would look bad if she sat around with no work.

spends time looking at herself in mirror checking herself out all the time, also texting and checking things on phone. I don't snoop so no idea